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New CABINETSafe App to allow you to track whether you’ve been in contact with an alleged rapist

NATIONAL |

Authorities have rushed out a new app to allow members of the public to keep track of whether they’ve come into contact with members of the Federal Cabinet.

Called the CABINETSafe App, the app is designed to allow users to track encounters with alleged rapists, people who support alleged rapists, people who cover-up for alleged rapists, people who don’t read the reports about what alleged rapists have done, people who called rape victims a “lying cow”, and those think that continuing to be in Cabinet with any of these people is in any way acceptable. “As a result, it covers everyone in the Cabinet,” said the designer of the app.

A spokesperson said that it was becoming clear that coming into contact with a member of the cabinet is highly hazardous. “Ideally, we’d put the whole of Cabinet into isolation indefinitely, but for some reason, they think they run the country, even though they don’t seem to take responsibility for anything at all, ever.”

“We don’t quite know how it works, but there appears to be an outbreak of moral turpitude in Federal Cabinet, which has infected every member. Thing is, we don’t know who got it first. It appears that several members have had it for many, many, many years. We’re certainly looking at some sort of super-spreader event.”

Symptoms include a loss of moral compass, blurred vision for what Australia should be like in 2021 and delusions that they can escape the consequences of their actions.

Authorities say that members of the public should take precautions if they do come into contact with a member of the Federal Cabinet. “If you do happen to be in the same room as them, leave immediately and for God’s sake, make sure you sanitise your hands.”

The spokesperson said that ideally we wouldn’t need an app like this “but it appears that nobody in power seems to be doing anything about it. They seem to think that the outbreak will just magically go away without doing anything.”

The app maker says that future updates will include the ability to track contact with corrupt members of Cabinet. “We didn’t put that in the first edition because there’s just too much data to deal with on that.”

The app is based on the same code as the COVIDSafe App, and therefore doesn’t work very well.

Guy who stepped down over a bottle of wine feeling pretty stupid right now

NATIONAL |

Former NSW Premier and last man in politics with a shred of integrity, Barry O’Farrell, has today decided he might still have a chance at a second crack at politics, after learning you can pretty much do anything these days and get away with it if you just refuse to step down.

“Yea I must admit I felt my face go a bit red when I first heard Gladys had secretly been giving preferential treatment to her side piece without any blowback, but it was the middle of Covid,” explained O’Farrell, “so I assumed that was an exception and I had still done the right thing. But now that a guy’s been all over the media for a week having been accused of raping someone, and his temporary replacement is a woman who 75% of people were demanding resign over corruption less than two years ago, well I’m starting to think I probably didn’t need to step down over being given a wine bottle after all.”

“I don’t know when it was exactly,” continued O’Farrell, “but somewhere between Angus Taylor being caught forging a document to smear an opponent, Dutton getting busted handing out visas to his mates nannies, Greg Hunt liking porn on twitter, Barnaby Joyce rorting water holdings, Michaelea Cash getting busted tipping off the media about union raids, Bridgette McKenzie pork barreling sports grants, and the time Scott Morrison drove a large dump truck of cash up to News Corp headquarters and just poured the money into Rupert Murdoch’s swimming pool, somewhere around this time I started to think maybe what I did wasn’t so bad after all.”

“Anyway, gotta go, I’ve got a cushy government job handed to me by my mates I need to attend to.”

Life Hack: How to not rape someone in one really fucking easy step

GENERAL NEWS |

Rape is a thing you shouldn’t do but way too many people claim that it is confusing while talking to the media as a subtle way to avoid actually addressing the problem. Luckily this really, really simple life hack can help anyone who even remotely cares about other people:

Step 1: Don’t fucking do it, just don’t rape!

For this step, if you are going to engage in a sexual act with another person all you need to do is simply make sure you have enthusiastic consent and if you don’t have it, do nothing. Literally do nothing at all. Don’t make the active choice to rape them. You will find it is easier and better for everyone if you don’t do it. If you need to ask in order to double check if you have consent, it is definitely really fucking worth it. And that’s it, that’s all the steps. Same methodology can go for sexual harassment and sexual assault as well.

Way too frequently asked questions:

So, how did you go with the life-hack?

I know, who knew it’s so easy not to dehumanise someone? Crazy right?

Anyway if you liked it, please make sure to share it with your friends. If your on social media maybe even give a like and tag someone in the comments that you think should read this. I mean, statistically speaking, you probably know at least someone who could get something out of reading this. It could really help society grow.

Michaelia Cash announced as over-acting Attorney-General

NATIONAL |

The government has today announced that Attorney General Christian Porter will be temporarily taking leave from his job for the next 50 years, with Michaelia Cash stepping in to fill the role as over-acting Attorney-General.

“It’s good to finally see some dignity and decorum brought to this hallowed government role,” announced the PM today while Cash performed interpretive mime behind him. “Not to mention how much safer women will feel knowing that another woman is now in the role, as long as we overlook the accusations about Cash bullying a female staffer from last November. And the time she was forced to apologize for sexist comments about Bill Shorten’s staff. And the AWU raids thing. Other than that she’s got a spotless record.”

Asked how she felt being tapped to act as Attorney-General, cash burst into tears, before saying she wanted to thank God, her family, and the academy for this opportunity. “YES I’M EXCITED BUT I’LL BE TAKING THIS RESPONSIBILITY VERY SERIOUSLY,” said Cash while doing cartwheels around the parliamentary lawns. “AND OF COURSE WE’RE ALL HOPING PORTER IS BACK IN HIS JOB AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA GET IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HIM BACK HA HA HA HA HA HA HA GOD I LOVE COCAINE.”

Christian Porter says he is as trustworthy as a Christian Priest

NATIONAL |

The Attorney-General whose defamation lawyer has the most dreamy eyes I have ever seen, Christian Porter has today released a statement in order to try and clean up his reputation, no not that statement. An unexpected one, alleging that all Aussies can ‘trust him’.

“You can trust me as much as you would a priest,” said the guy who was hesitant to release the unredacted version of the Royal Commission into the Catholic Church. “Just like the Catholic Church and the Hillsong Church, I have had many investigations into me and I am still allowed to operate without direct oversight, so I must be trustworthy.”

“I am totally trustworthy, if you want the Attorney General’s office can launch an investigation into me. All investigations into allegations surrounding my conduct have turned out great for me. Sure Malcolm claims he doesn’t like what I did but he promoted me after looking into what was happening. Since everyone trusts him now, think about it, that wouldn’t make any sense if he had an issue with my behaviour now would it.”

“If I was really perpetuating some ‘boys club’ in the LNP and Malcolm was against it, surely he wouldn’t have not only promoted me to Attorney General but also wouldn’t he have acted in regards to any alleged letters he hypothetically could have received while PM. If I had done anything to make Malcolm upset like some people suggest he would have had more than enough evidence to stand me down and go to the police, but he didn’t so I am cleared of any wrongdoing.”

“See I would never do anything to harm anyone, and anyone who disagrees can take that up with my defamation lawyer. I am all about family values, and the value my family can make off of any hypothetical allegations, even if they can be proven accurate in a court of law. Which they wouldn’t be able to, now does anyone dare to challenge that?”

Government officials said that they trust Mr Porter completely but are also considering moving him to another department where his skills and leadership could also be utilised, like ADFA for example.

Journalist does finishing touches to a Christian Porter story they prepared last night for no reason…

GENERAL NEWS |

Local journalists have allegedly woken up this morning to do some finishing touches to a story that they wrote about Attorney-General and *Redacted* Christian Porter last night that will allegedly be released some time today, for ‘no particular reason’. None whatsoever.

“You always want to be prepared with a story like this,” said the journalist who definitely wants to stay anonymous after getting off their phone with their lawyer, “a story that is about nothing. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just a normal story about a boring mundane announcement that I am not waiting for him to make today. Can a journalist not just write a casual story about the Cabinet Minister with a history of sexual harassment claims whose Wikipedia was edited to have information putting him in Sydney in 1988 a couple days ago? Allegedly.”

“See my lawyers reminded me that there is… umm… no reason for me to have stayed up last night writing a story that I am now doing the finishing touches on. See it is just a coincidence and any other legally sound excuse that I allegedly started writing the piece in question when it was told to the press that a certain alleged Cabinet Minister would be outing themselves today. See the fun thing with Australian defamation law is even if hypothetically one did write something that is completely true they can still lose the lawsuit if it hurts the feelings of the plaintiff enough. And that is fine because my story is about nothing and wouldn’t have any impact his reputation.”

“In fact there is a chance the nothing it is about is not even to do with him, and I will end up needing to scrap it. But I mean come on it is so him right? Like some people say it could be Angus Taylor but please we all know it’s him…. Who allegedly did nothing wrong? Nothing whatsoever… I should probably stop talking.”

Due to our history with defamation law, our lawyers have told us to make sure it is clear that we do not believe nor would ever imply that Christian Porter has ever had consensual sex with a adult canine. We do not think he would ever allegedly do something like that, more that he would allegedly do the opposite.

Liberal party press conference forced to relocate after realising they’re within 500 metres of a school

NATIONAL |

The Chaser publishing corporation has today been forced to shut down after spending thousands of dollars on lawyers’ fees trying to craft this headline in a way that won’t get them sued out of existence.

“Yea originally we had a very funny [redacted] about the [redacted],” said one writer tied up in the basement of the Chaser offices. “But then it turned out [redacted] had hired a defamation lawyer and we immediately [redacted] our pants.”

Asked whether this headline has anything to do with the [redacted] [redacted] who [redacted] a 16 year old, members of the Chaser said that any such allegations are extremely defamatory and threatened to sue anyone who makes such unfounded claims.

“We’ve asked the writer whether this was a shallow attempt to sidestep defamation laws and they have ‘strenuously denied’ the claims,” explained one Chaser editor. “As such, we’re just going to presume he’s innocent and not investigate any further.”

“If anyone has a problem with this we’ll be happy to escalate the matter, all the way to the attorney general.”

PM meekly asks colleagues if they can maybe ease up on all the raping for a bit

NATIONAL |

Scott Morrison has today taken swift and decisive action on the scandals engulfing his government, by kindly asking his colleagues if they could maybe look into trying to not rape quite so much in future.

Speaking at a packed meeting of Coalition ministers, backbenchers, and staffers, the Prime Minister was firm but understanding. “Look, I’m not trying to tell you all what to do, but, you know, I’m not one of those mean bosses that forces everyone to wear suits and turn up at 8 sharp, but you know all this assault is starting to become a bit of a distraction,” explained the PM. “I’d much rather the public focus on the great things we’re doing for the country right now, like helping our mates rort JobKeeper and making life more miserable for welfare recipients.”

“It would be really swell if you all could perhaps put a bit more effort into easing up on the whole sexual assault thing until after the election.”

Morrison has also announced a series of internal reforms in response to the furore. “I want to assure the Australian people that we’re taking action on these rape claims,” explained Morrison, “and you can rest assured we will all be trying much harder in future to make sure nobody finds about this stuff.”

The party conference was then forced to relocate after it was noticed that they were within 500 metres of a school

Name five Home and Away characters and we will guess if you’re white and have bad taste

ENTERTAINMENT |

Home and Away, who doesn’t love it? Let’s put your knowledge to the test and we will see if our state-of-the-art Ai system can correctly predict whether you are a white person with absolutely terrible taste.

So, ignore the haters who prefer ‘good acting’, ‘passable writing’ and ‘dramas that aren’t directed in the same style as Baywatch (1989)’.

Also, to any hypothetical Neighbours fans, this test also works for you but we didn’t see the point in making a second article because no-one watches it anymore.

Now, time for the test. For this to work what I will need you to do is say out loud 5 character names (not including Alf, he transcends the show) and our algorithm will do the rest.

GO!

Did you do it successfully?

If your answer was ‘Yes’, then the results are as follows:

White person with taste so bad that it even embarrasses other white people.

This is based on the well-known fact that the only group whiter than the cast of an Aussie Soap-Opera is it’s audience, combined with the fact that fans of Home and Away have bad taste as proven by the shows they like. It is represented right here on this easy to understand Venn Diagram our scientists put together:

Harry and Meghan announce completion of their one millionth interview about how they just want their privacy

WORLD |

In a series of touching exclusive interviews, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have tearfully spoken to Oprah Winfrey, James Corden, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Trevor Noah, David Letterman, Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Chris Matthews, Wolf Biltzer, Anderson Cooper, Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, Zack Galifianakis, Marc Maron, Joe Rogan, Ira Glass, Michael Barbaro, Jon Stewart, Barbara Walters,, a BuzzFeed intern, Kyle and Jackie O, random Redditors, the host of Holey Moley, some guy Meghan met in Whole Foods who just started a podcast, Johnny Carson via seance, and even Ellen DeGeneres about how desperate they are to stay out of the public eye.

They did, however, turn down an appearance on ABC TV’s Insiders, pointing out that they are far too left-wing for the programme.

The Sussexes invited their interviewers and their cameras into their house for intimate conversations about how awful it is that their home is constantly being photographed, and how they can’t get a moment’s rest from journalists asking them questions.

The couple also told their interviewers how despite leaving the royal family, they still plan to devote their lives to serving the public by selflessly earning hundreds of millions from Netflix and Spotify. It will include a 20 episode documentary series about themselves and how much they resent being the subject of constant public attention.

Prince Harry’s family are said to be disappointed by the couple’s actions, saying it goes against Royal family values to work for a living.

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