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Prince Andrew rushed to hospital after experiencing strange new sensation called consequences
"I thought I was having a heart attack"
Julia Roberts out: Harriet Tubman to be played by black actress Scarlett Johansson
Empathy consultant advises Scomo to just delete his Twitter account at this point
Nation’s prettiest horses begin wedding planning following Bernardi retirement
Inspiring video shows Scott Morrison running into bushfire to save burning coal
Israel Folau lands lucrative sponsorship deal with head protection company
CommBank app helpfully suggests customer could save money if they just didn’t eat
New Marie Kondo store to include bin at checkout to fast track decluttering
Local News
Man unsure where to pee in trendy restaurant bathroom
Voice recognition software improves to 40% accuracy
Belief system debunked by T-shirt
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World News
God holds press conference to distance Himself from Israel Folau
Trump honors 30 years since the Berlin Wall by promising to build an even bigger wall
Scott Morrison concerned climate protests are making apocalypse a bit inconvenient
Congress to grill Tom from Myspace on how the site is protecting its sole user’s data
Batteries immediately removed from child’s noisy toy
Arts student sets alarm to get an early 1pm start on the day
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Shovel Politics
Tissue In Your Washing This Morning Due To Same Sex Marriage, Israel Folau Claims
Fire Department Sets Government Bullshit Meter To “Catastrophic”
Morrison Enlists Scott Cam To Head Up New Bushfire Response Team
Government Says It’s Inappropriate To Talk About Global Warming When It’s So Damn Hot
PM Provides Boost To Struggling Fire Departments, Committing An Extra Two Million Thoughts & Prayers Per Year
“Labor Lost Because It Had An Unpopular Leader”, Says Some Guy 
Real Estate
Minister who forgot about buying house luckily still remembered to negatively gear it
Sultan of Brunei flaunts wealth by purchasing room in decrepit Sydney sharehouse
UN called in to resolve washing-up stalemate
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