Trump apologises for grabbing security guard’s neck, stating he had mistaken it for a woman’s genitals

Tupperware somehow even wetter after 8 hours in drying up rack

Harvey Norman declares bankruptcy after going whole month without government handout

Qantas hit with further scandal after passenger discovers $50 million worth of lettuce in boogie board bag

Struggling young people encouraged to just cut back on food, housing, electricity, transport…

“No corruption in Barilaro’s appointment” declares new head of ICAC John Barilaro

Cost blowout explained by NSW Govt accidentally approving 25 million new flags on Harbour Bridge

Awkward: 60 children dead after Qantas forgets to collect youth choir

Kmart finally convince conspiracy theorists to wear masks by introducing face tracking in all stores

Electricity crisis solved after scientists harness energy from Sydney Morning Herald’s frantic backpedalling

‘We’d never hire someone who’d incite a riot’ claims news network that hired Alan Jones

Local woman rushes to date man who shouted compliment from moving vehicle

Sydney house prices hit new high as inner city terrace sells for 3 iceberg lettuce

Russian military apologize for blowing up strategic Ukrainian military base after missing nearby pre-school

Public confused after government doesn’t respond to cost of living issues by bullying trans kids

Boris Johnson says he’ll bring the booze after being told there’ll be a party room meeting

Newly homeless Scott Morrison demands to know which idiot let housing get so expensive

Tony Abbott confused after learning Minister for Women role went to a woman for some reason

Jobless man mooches off public housing

Following leadership spill, Barnaby Joyce announces plan to spend more time with his families

Public reminded not to make offensive jokes about man who laughed at sinking islands

Australia and China restore relationship, bonding over shared hatred of Scott Morrison

Unemployment skyrockets as hairdresser, welder, bulldozer and coal lobbyist all lose job in one night

Celebration in street as Australia marks never having to hear ‘There’s A Hole In Your Budget’ song ever again

Morrison reassures colleagues he has secured 10 million votes to be delivered by 2023

Pauline Hanson quits parliament after hearing it will be run by a minority

BREAKING: Rupert Murdoch has lost the Australian Federal Election

Daily Telegraph slams Labor for $6 trillion deficit

Morrison glad to finally get a chance to take a vacation

Julia Gillard launches spill motion against Anthony Albanese

Sausage sanga wins election again

Loose Unit Albo spends election eve doing donuts outside ScoMo’s house

Parents name new-born twins “Corruption” and “Climate Change” to stop ScoMo tackling them before 2050

Albanese responds to Morrison tackle by king hitting nearest child

“Trans people are a threat to children’s sport” claims man who decked child in non contact sport

Dutton distracts himself from the pain of losing his defamation suit by drowning some puppies

Scott Morrison blames Labor for Scott Morrison

“I can change” says guy who slammed Albo for changing too much

‘We can’t afford to raise the minimum wage’ says PM who spent $80m on water that doesn’t exist

Pauline Hanson quits One Nation after being told they’re a minority party

‘Minority governments will get nothing done’ claims government that has done nothing for 3 years

“I’m not transphobic, I just don’t like trans people” explains Katherine Deves

Blokes from Lego Masters dubbed prefered PMs following last night’s Channel 9 debate

Factcheck: PM’s claim he’s ‘seen no corruption’ is true, as he burned out his retinas pretending to be a welder

The Chaser Interns Investigate The United Australia Party

PM avoids forgetting policy details by cleverly having no policies

Independents will cause instability warns government who’s had three different leaders

Guy who miscounted $60 billion reckons he has the numbers to win his seat

Scott Morrison denies texting during ANZAC service – “I was playing Angry Birds”

“Social media sites shouldn’t moderate posts” says pig fondler Elon Musk

Following backlash Morrison reveals he is also part of the disability community – “I was born without a heart”

“I will not allow critics to silence Deves’ views” rages man who had her delete all her posts two weeks ago

Scientists confirm making noises into a fan more entertaining than 90% of free-to-air TV

“You can’t trust Albo to stop the boats” claims mob that stuffed up the Ruby Princess

Party that had a full year of sexual harassment controversies claims trans athletes are a threat to women

Government with extensive history of corruption surprisingly not keen on corruption watchdog

Greens leader demonstrates commitment to media being publicly owned

Public disgusted opposition leader whose name they can’t remember doesn’t remember the unemployment rate

PM of country where grocery prices have doubled in a year pretty sure biggest issue right now is trans people in sport

Latest polling data suggests Scott Morrison is trailing in popularity to Morbius on a two party preferred basis