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Local MP only got into politics so they could improve people’s lives and torture the occasional child



God distances himself from Scott Morrison after hearing what he does to kids



Angus Taylor takes break from dodgy Federal deals to do some dodgy state deals instead



“Legally you have to tell me if you’re a cop” stoner yells at his phone



“There’s no money to help arts workers” says government spending $7 million to detain two kids



Herald Sun asks if Dan Andrews was arrested in the AFP/FBI bust



Aussie Government relieved to hear someone else fucked the internet up for once



‘FUUUUUUUCK’ says newspaper tech guy



War Memorial upgrade to include interactive war crime game for the kids



Morrison pledges to pray extra hard that someone will help Biloela family



Nation wondering how it let itself get to this point



“Help the sick refugee children you fuckwits” yells LNP empathy consultant



Annastacia Palaszczuk to compete in Olympic archery after drawing incredibly long bow



Party that covered up a rape for two years demands immediate action against liking tweets



Victorian in lockdown devastated to hear Sydney is experiencing mildly chilly weather



ABC pulls Four Corners episode after discovering Ita Buttrose is Q



Morrison announces ‘100% of essential workers got the jab’



Netanyahu steps down as leader of Israel to spend more time murdering children



Scott Morrison sends sympathies to Naomi Osaka, stating he also hates journalists



Channel 9 denies lack of diversity in Covid ad, “Karl is a person of colour”



Greg Hunt wishing there was some way to stop unvaccinated people getting Covid



ABC suffers humiliating big fucking win over Porter



Naomi Osaka wishes she was just a man pushing anti-vaxxer theories instead



PM reassures Victorians that he is willing to give JobKeeper to Gerry Harvey



NSW voters in shock after what’s-her-name steps down as Labor Leader



Greg Hunt suspects he might have fucked up after even Sunrise rips him a new one



An important message about Melbourne’s lockdown from the Australian Federal Government



‘I wish there had been more people who weren’t on the show’ says Friends reunion viewer



Walkeys win ‘best irony’ award for presenting journalism excellence awards on Sky News



Dozens mistake red orb in the window for a leering Barnaby Joyce



Scott Morrison embarks on mission to the Sun after learning it’s made of gas



Government solves mouse problem by releasing a million cats into the wild



Vermin plague seen swarming Canberra, leaving locals mortified



Government wastes hundreds of thousands of dollars on gas energy plant



PM claims he tried to table workplace guidelines but the table had cum on it



Morrison asks Grace Tame if she needs a man to explain the meaning of ‘condescending’



Dutton’s worst fears confirmed after gay marriage leads to woman marrying vegetable



First Celebrity Apprentice challenge to test if contestants can name any of the celebrities



“Young people are selfish” claims generation hoarding all the houses



“Who is to blame for 1/3 of Aussies irrationally fearing the EVIL DEATH JAB?” asks media



Sky News demands Australia reduce anti-Semitism and go back to good old islamaphobia



Lazy entitled Boomers told to get a jab



Pete Evans to collab with Gold Coast hairdresser on new tin foil hat line



“It feels illegal to be white” says guy from country where black men are regularly murdered by police



Ben Roberts-Smith joins Space Force after learning aliens don’t have human rights



Confused Peter Dutton announces space force to keep out illegal aliens



Labor party calls it a day following Alan Jones endorsement



Local genius would rather risk disease with 1% death rate than jab with 0.0017% death rate



Rare photo of Scomo actually working sells for $1.8 million at auction



Exclusive: Jogger discovers the truth, “Runner’s high is fucking bullshit!”



Virgin launch new frequent dier programme



Countries supplying Israel weapons wish there was some way to stop the ‘conflict’



Guy who spent $80m on non-existent water claims electric vehicles are a waste of money



Modern day Jesus? Local man conjures 8 weeks of toothpaste from empty tube



Refugee facing indefinite detention glad to know Albo voted for it with compassion



Australians confused after seeing footage of Scottish treating refugees with empathy



Israeli Airstrikes kill 17 of Palestine’s most dangerous children



“What’s the point?” Ellen ends show after not being allowed to abuse employees anymore



ATO to reclassify houses as luxury items



Treasurer heroically gives back some of the money he has cut from essential services