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“Why have no journalists called me?” asks guy whose phone has been off all week



Morrison’s empathy consultant applies for extended stress leave



Linda Reynolds offers sincere apology: “I am truly sorry everyone found out what I said”



Nation starting to suspect there might be a few reasons why Liberal Party so resistant to an ICAC



“Meghan too entitled to be a literal princess” claims journalist



Christian Porter sues Andrew Bolt for defamation after Bolt defends him



New CABINETSafe App to allow you to track whether you’ve been in contact with an alleged rapist



Guy who stepped down over a bottle of wine feeling pretty stupid right now



Life Hack: How to not rape someone in one really fucking easy step



Michaelia Cash announced as over-acting Attorney-General



Christian Porter says he is as trustworthy as a Christian Priest



Journalist does finishing touches to a Christian Porter story they prepared last night for no reason…



Liberal party press conference forced to relocate after realising they’re within 500 metres of a school



PM meekly asks colleagues if they can maybe ease up on all the raping for a bit



Name five Home and Away characters and we will guess if you’re white and have bad taste



Harry and Meghan announce completion of their one millionth interview about how they just want their privacy



Police call off investigation after burglar “categorically denies” robbing store



ABC renames ‘Insiders’ to ‘Sky News After Dawn’



‘We must act now’ Scott Morrison furious after hearing climate change could affect sport



NBN user only just learning that Facebook has banned news



Banned on Facebook, Laurie Oakes forced to drop explosive political update on OnlyFans



Mass media panic as two people ‘doing well’ after getting a bit too much vaccine



Duke of Edinburgh asked whether he wishes to make any final racist remarks



Govt up daily Newstart rate by 0.00001 times amount they paid News Corp for spelling bee website



News Ban Over: Daily Telegraph returns to rightful place as nation’s top comedy site



Facebook user waiting excitedly for next Daft Punk Album



“We don’t manipulate the news” say 8 Murdoch mastheads in unison



News Corp really hoping no satire site reposts Rudd’s senate speech in full



Morrison explains he was only vaccinated in case of emergency holiday to Hawaii



Media Diversity Inquiry asks a bunch of rich old white men whether they have a diversity issue



Vaccine queue jumper to be sent straight to Manus Island



White House declares Ted Cruz a national disaster



News free Facebook user blissfully unaware of unfolding alien invasion



‘I don’t have an issue with how I treat women’ claims PM who hurt an old lady during photo op



Cancel Culture strikes again as snowflakes ruin Ted Cruz’s holiday



“We’re giving The Chaser a new show” says ABC who can’t dispute this cause they’re blocked



Mediocre couple not cheating on each other despite best efforts



PM announces investigation will be an ‘arms-length’ away from being independent



Facebook bans newsfeed after realising it has the word ‘news’ in it



Kevin Rudd calls for new senate inquiry into The Chaser’s news monopoly



Ted Cruz starting to regret hiring ScoMo’s empathy consultant



Local FB user experiences first enjoyable day in years



“Facebook never warned this would happen” says Govt months after being warned this would happen



Govt wishing there was some other way to fund journalism with big companies money



Aussie media knows it’s fucked after Frydenberg says he’ll sort this out



Nation’s broadsheets announce new retail price of $50.99



A complete list of the Liberal Party’s corruption over the last 7 years



Facebook finally crack down on racism by banning all Aussie media



Channel 9 journo forced to hit streets to inform public about great savings at Harvey Norman



Daily Mail reader struggling to cope without crucial updates on Miley Cyrus’s bra size



Anti-Vax Facebook mum glad to see her ‘real news’ sources are still up



Harry and Meghan maintain complete privacy by agreeing to interview on Studio 10



Facebook restores Daily Telegraph page after realising they’re not real news



Report: Aw fuck



Jenny Morrison appointed the new Minister For Knowing Things You’d Think Would Be Obvious



Morrison denies Liberal party is sexist – “Just ask the Minister for Women”



Man who spent $200,000 on empathy consultant unable to work out rape is wrong



Jenny pretty sure she’ll be having a chat tonight about whether victim blaming is okay or not



‘Covering up the rape of a woman is bad because it could upset her dad’ says PM



Robodebt victim starting to wish they had just run a billion dollar money laundering scheme