Trump apologises for grabbing security guard’s neck, stating he had mistaken it for a woman’s genitals
Tupperware somehow even wetter after 8 hours in drying up rack
Harvey Norman declares bankruptcy after going whole month without government handout
Qantas hit with further scandal after passenger discovers $50 million worth of lettuce in boogie board bag
Struggling young people encouraged to just cut back on food, housing, electricity, transport…
“No corruption in Barilaro’s appointment” declares new head of ICAC John Barilaro
Cost blowout explained by NSW Govt accidentally approving 25 million new flags on Harbour Bridge
Awkward: 60 children dead after Qantas forgets to collect youth choir
Kmart finally convince conspiracy theorists to wear masks by introducing face tracking in all stores
Electricity crisis solved after scientists harness energy from Sydney Morning Herald’s frantic backpedalling
‘We’d never hire someone who’d incite a riot’ claims news network that hired Alan Jones
Local woman rushes to date man who shouted compliment from moving vehicle
Sydney house prices hit new high as inner city terrace sells for 3 iceberg lettuce
Russian military apologize for blowing up strategic Ukrainian military base after missing nearby pre-school
Public confused after government doesn’t respond to cost of living issues by bullying trans kids
Boris Johnson says he’ll bring the booze after being told there’ll be a party room meeting
Newly homeless Scott Morrison demands to know which idiot let housing get so expensive
Tony Abbott confused after learning Minister for Women role went to a woman for some reason
Jobless man mooches off public housing
Following leadership spill, Barnaby Joyce announces plan to spend more time with his families
Public reminded not to make offensive jokes about man who laughed at sinking islands
Australia and China restore relationship, bonding over shared hatred of Scott Morrison
Unemployment skyrockets as hairdresser, welder, bulldozer and coal lobbyist all lose job in one night
Celebration in street as Australia marks never having to hear ‘There’s A Hole In Your Budget’ song ever again
Morrison reassures colleagues he has secured 10 million votes to be delivered by 2023
Pauline Hanson quits parliament after hearing it will be run by a minority
BREAKING: Rupert Murdoch has lost the Australian Federal Election
Daily Telegraph slams Labor for $6 trillion deficit
Morrison glad to finally get a chance to take a vacation
Julia Gillard launches spill motion against Anthony Albanese
Sausage sanga wins election again
Loose Unit Albo spends election eve doing donuts outside ScoMo’s house
Parents name new-born twins “Corruption” and “Climate Change” to stop ScoMo tackling them before 2050
Albanese responds to Morrison tackle by king hitting nearest child
“Trans people are a threat to children’s sport” claims man who decked child in non contact sport
Dutton distracts himself from the pain of losing his defamation suit by drowning some puppies
Scott Morrison blames Labor for Scott Morrison
“I can change” says guy who slammed Albo for changing too much
‘We can’t afford to raise the minimum wage’ says PM who spent $80m on water that doesn’t exist
Pauline Hanson quits One Nation after being told they’re a minority party
‘Minority governments will get nothing done’ claims government that has done nothing for 3 years
“I’m not transphobic, I just don’t like trans people” explains Katherine Deves
Blokes from Lego Masters dubbed prefered PMs following last night’s Channel 9 debate
Factcheck: PM’s claim he’s ‘seen no corruption’ is true, as he burned out his retinas pretending to be a welder
The Chaser Interns Investigate The United Australia Party
PM avoids forgetting policy details by cleverly having no policies
Independents will cause instability warns government who’s had three different leaders
Guy who miscounted $60 billion reckons he has the numbers to win his seat
Scott Morrison denies texting during ANZAC service – “I was playing Angry Birds”
“Social media sites shouldn’t moderate posts” says pig fondler Elon Musk
Following backlash Morrison reveals he is also part of the disability community – “I was born without a heart”
“I will not allow critics to silence Deves’ views” rages man who had her delete all her posts two weeks ago
Scientists confirm making noises into a fan more entertaining than 90% of free-to-air TV
“You can’t trust Albo to stop the boats” claims mob that stuffed up the Ruby Princess
Party that had a full year of sexual harassment controversies claims trans athletes are a threat to women
Government with extensive history of corruption surprisingly not keen on corruption watchdog
Greens leader demonstrates commitment to media being publicly owned
Public disgusted opposition leader whose name they can’t remember doesn’t remember the unemployment rate
PM of country where grocery prices have doubled in a year pretty sure biggest issue right now is trans people in sport
Latest polling data suggests Scott Morrison is trailing in popularity to Morbius on a two party preferred basis
