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39 year old woman secretly chuffed to be asked for ID at bottle shop

NATIONAL |

Local bottle shop employee Rob Edwards has today unwittingly made the entire year of 39 year old mother of three Denise Johnson, after asking the clearly middle-aged woman for proof of age in a moment of absentmindedness.

“Yea when I looked up I realised it was probably wasn’t necessary,” reflected Rob. “I mean no offence to her, she looks great for her age but you’d have to be blind to think she’d pass for 17.”

“But when I saw the look of utter joy on her face I didn’t have it in me to tell her she doesn’t need to get out her card.”

In fact, Rob was so impressed with how effective this simple gesture was that he has started asking every woman that comes through the register for ID, to great effect.

“It does slow down the line a bit, but I think its worth it to bring a bit of joy into some people’s lives,” explains Rob. “Had a lady come in yesterday with two screaming toddlers in tow – clearly hadn’t slept in a about a week. When I asked for ID I swear she nearly cried. She’ll be dining out on that story at mothers-group for months!”

“She was almost as excited as the kids from the local skatepark when I pretend to believe their laminated ‘drivers licences’ that claim they were born in 1982. Really puts a smile on their pimply little faces.”

Radiohead raided by Karma Police after leaking own music

NATIONAL |

Famed musician Thom Yorke has today been thrown in jail following an incident with the Australian Federal Police that saw the Radiohead frontman unexpectedly raided after leaking unreleased material.

The leak comes in the wake of threats by extortionists to release previously unheard music from the ‘OK Computer’ recording sessions if York did not pay up ransom. Responding to the threats, Mr York instead decided to release the material himself, with all profits from its sale being donated to hiring a paramilitary hit squad to hunt down and kill the extortionists.

Asked whether it was necessary to raid someone for leaking their own material, head of the AFP Chief Captain Detective Constable Clive Pugh said that it was not up to him who the AFP do and do not raid, and for all they know the OK Computer recordings could contain all kinds of classified government secrets.

“We at the AFP take leaks of any kind very seriously,” said Pugh, “and just because a person or persons claim to be the owner of material or materials, we will always need to verify such claims independently before drawing any conclusions. We have it on good grounds that this so called Mr Yorke goes by at least three other aliases, including Sisi Bakbak, Tchock, and Zachariah Wildwood.”

“We have also obtained evidence that Mr Yorke is both a creep and a weirdo, and is often found in places he doesn’t belong. Does that sound like the description of an innocent man?”

“Rest assured we are currently raiding every member of Radiohead, as well as Mr Yorke’s elderly parents, neighbours, the staff at his local Asda, and his dog, in order to confirm that Mr Yorke really is who he says he is.”

The AFP later dropped the investigation, after learning that Mr Yorke had donated to the Liberal party at the last election

Dutton denies organising raids and threatens to raid whoever claims that he did

GENERAL NEWS |

Minister for Home Affairs and part time ominous presence Peter Dutton has today hit back at claims that he was personally behind police raids on two media organisations, in retaliation for damaging leaks about war crimes committed by the Australian Defence Force. Stating that he had “no involvement whatsoever” in the decision to raid the ABC, Dutton said that he would make it a top priority to raid the country’s news organisations to find out where such claims were coming from.

“The fact is, as Home Affairs minister, I am constantly in the dark about what the people under me are doing,” explained Dutton, “The fact that the AFP seem to be acting in a way that is advantageous to a particular political party is entirely of their doing, and therefore nobody should be alarmed.”

“Yes, these raids may have been in the planning for months, and yes it does seem awfully politically convenient that they happened just weeks after the federal election, but the fact is they were a necessary part of the work of our nation’s federal police, and far be it from me to stand in their way. I mean, can you imaging living in a country where members of powerful secretive government organisations think they can just whistleblow to the media every time there is a serious breach of ethics, or every time the military engages in a light bout of war crimes? I shudder to think what the implications would be if we allowed deeds like that to go unpunished.”

“Now if anyone needs me, I’ll be in my lair.”

Huge breakthrough for fake meat – scientists genetically alter kidney beans to feel pain

WORLD |

Scientists at CERN today have unveiled what many are describing as a “gamechanger” for fake meat products today, after they announced that they have managed to create a new strand of kidney bean through gene modification so that it is able to sense its own mortality.

The discovery was reportedly made by complete accident, with scientists actually aiming to create a human that tastes like kidney beans. “Obviously when we crossed human and kidney bean genes we thought we would create some kind of horrifying rebuke to god, like the last 10 bean children that we keep in the vault. However, completely by accident we seem to have solved a problem we didn’t even need solving after we created a kidney bean with the delicious taste of human flesh.”

The ability for a kidney bean to feel pain has been the holy grail for vegan scientists in recent years, who have been seeking to create a burger with the same delicious level of suffering as a traditional beef burger, without any of the animal products. Now with the latest breakthrough scientists say they are confident that they will be able to finally fill in the missing ingredient that traditional vegetarian products were sorely lacking.

The new Impossible Suffering Burger is expected to hit shelves by the end of the year, once the first batch of Kidney Beans is finished being held at knifepoint.

Apple unveil new $2000 monitor power cable

WORLD |

The Apple Corporation have today wowed critics and blown away fans, after unveiling their latest product release – a standard IEC-C13 monitor cable retailing for just $2000USD plus shipping.

“Now some of you may say, Tim that’s just a regular old monitor cable, you can get one of those at Radio Shack for $5” announced an excited Tim Cook this afternoon, “But you see there is one important difference here. If you look at the end of the cable we have our patented “Apple Logo” system painted on the end, which greatly increases our ability to charge for basic, everyday products.”

Though the product has not yet been released to the public, Apple has supplied a few demo items for reviewers to test, and so far results are positive. “I certainly cannot fault the cable in any way,” wrote one reviewer for Wired, “it certainly does not fail to deliver power from my wall to my monitor. While the price may be a bit steep, I think the elegance and sophistication involved with the way Apple bribed me to write this positive review is absolutely unparalleled.”

However, some critics have panned the release, claiming the $2000 price tag was unjustified given the cable is just a standard everyday black monitor cable. Apple has responded to these complaints, pointing out that customers can also buy a premium white power cable for just $500 more.

The Chaser’s Guide to Australian Road Signs

QUARTERLY |

Australia has some road signs that are unique in the world. Here’s a comprehensive guide.

1. If you see this one, make sure you drive extra carefully…

Kangaroos Nearby

2. If you see this one, you may want to altogether avoid the area…

Kochie

3. This one is important to pay attention to in November, especially on the Gold Coast…

Schoolies

4. No explanation needed for this one…

Music festival

5. If you see this one, be alert for (white collar) crime

Screenshot 2016-09-06 09.23.29

6. Make sure you know how Family Tax Benefit B works if you find yourself in this area…

Labor

7. A very common one, seen throughout Australia, at least once a year…

Peter FitzSimons

8. This one applies to all codes…

Footy

9. This one applies to many suburban areas in Australia. Avoid.

Screenshot 2016-09-06 09.23.56

10. If you see this, be especially careful, especially when using your mobile device…

Warnie

11. This one occurs on roads, as well on national television…

Molly Meldrum

12. And finally, make sure you obey this one… 

Canberra

This originally appeared in The Chaser’s Australia: buy it here.

AFP raid Nintento offices after hearing about Farfetchd’s leak

GENERAL NEWS |

Confused members of the Australian Federal Police have been forced to apologise to the Nintendo corporation today, after the company was subject to an early morning raid over reports that an employee ‘Mr Farfetched’ had been involved in handling some kind of leak.

“Look we may have been a little bit hasty,” admitted the AFP comissioner this afternoon, “but the fact is we take any and all leaks very seriously. For all we know this ‘Farfetched’ fellow could have been about to inform the Australian public that the military was involved in war crimes, which I hardly think is a matter of public interest.”

“In fact, I have to go now because apparently we’ve just heard reports that a builder may be involved in some kind of ‘roof leak’. We can only assume ‘roof’ is some kind of secret code word for espionage. Boys, get the battering ram.”

The raid is the third to have been conducted by the AFP in the last two days, in what many are suggesting is a political hit-job by the newly re-elected Morrison government. However representatives for the government say that this is just wild speculation, and that they will be deploying the AFP on anyone who makes such claims to find out where they got the information.

Local jobseeker having a really hard time choosing just one biggest weakness

GENERAL NEWS |

Local jobseeker and part-time midday TV enthusiast Harry Randal has today thrown in the towel at another job interview, after failing to decide on what constitutes his one biggest weakness.

“There’s just so many to choose from,” sighed the sweat drenched Randal after leaving the interview this afternoon. “It’s hard to say whether my biggest weakness is my inability to reverse park a car, or my failure at texting people back until it’s too awkward to reply. Then there’s also my inability to regularly floss, or what about all the times I’ve forgotten people’s names after they’ve just been introduced? Man, I’ll never get a job at this rate.”

After hours of reflection Randal reported that he had finally locked in on one biggest weakness, so that he would be better prepared for the next interview. “I guess you could say my biggest weakness is my inability to give interviewers the reassuring lies they’re expecting from job candidates… but wait, then again maybe my biggest weakness could be my indecisiveness? Oh I guess I’ll never know.”

However, Randal’s interviewers report that he had no hope of getting the job anyway, and they had pretty much written him off long before the biggest weakness came up. “Just get a load of these answers – when we asked him why he wanted to work for us he told us ‘because of the money’, and when we asked where he sees himself in ten years he said ‘probably in some kind of futuristic mirror’.”

“But even if those answers had been good he wouldn’t have got the role.” they continued, “I mean, come on, you can hardly expect us to hire him in this entry-level job without at least three years experience and a CV full of references.”

“Not too full though,” added the other interviewer, “we wouldn’t want him to be overqualified.”

Apple announces it will shut down iTunes, as soon as cursor stops spinning

GENERAL NEWS |

The Apple corporation has today called an end to an era, after the world’s largest technology company announced their intention to end support for iTunes, their once ubiquitous music playing software and U2 malware delivery device. The killing off of iTunes by Apple is considered long overdue, with recent iterations of the software having been stripped of most popular features, with the latest version limiting the user to two buttons which simply scream the words ‘Please just let me die’ when clicked.

The move comes as Apple’s music offerings are seen to be struggling to compete with streaming giant Spotify – a battle which spilled out in public last year after both Apple and Spotify wrote open letters airing their grievances. The spat began after Spotify was criticised by Apple for their unethical business practices, only paying artists a fraction of a cent per stream of their songs, a tactic Apple described as ‘completely inappropriate and also it was our idea first so no takesies.’

The remaining users of iTunes however say they will not be so quick to abandon the software. “Sure Apple music is nice and flashy and mobile friendly, but I think I’m going to stick with iTunes for now,” said Johnny Rapid, a fan outside the Apple store this afternoon. “After all, I’ve just waited six years for the fucking program to open since last clicking on the icon back in 2013, I might as well get a few days use out of it now after waiting this long.”

Trump rushed off stage after Secret Service spot man carrying photo of John McCain

WORLD |

The President of the United states has been rushed to an emergency bunker on life support this morning, following a security incident at a rally that witnesses are describing as one of the most harrowing experiences of Trump’s presidency. Standing on stage addressing an auditorium this afternoon, Mr Trump was tackled off stage by secret service agents, after a “crazed” man was spotted walking through the crowd carrying a photograph of John McCain.

“God, imagine if he’d gotten just a few steps closer and had managed to get a clear eyeline to the President,” said one witness outside the auditorium. “I’m pretty sure Trump’s head would have exploded.”

The secret service report they have since apprehended the man, taking him down in a blaze of gunfire, though there are still unconfirmed reports there may have been a second photographer.

However, Trump has hit back at the claims in a televised phonecall to Fox and Friends, stating that the reports are false, and that he is ‘not scared of anyone, living or dead’. “I think you’ll find I’m pretty brave,” Trump explained somewhere in the 20 minute long uninterrupted monologue. “A lot of my friends they’re always saying to me ‘Donald you’re so brave, you’re the bravest person I know’ and you know I hate to gloat but I have to agree with them because you know I’m AAARGHGHHHHH. Oh, sorry I thought I just saw Robert Mueller, um… what were we talking about again?”

The threat to the President’s life is the second in as many weeks, with the White House reportedly having been forced to remove all computers from the premises last week after it was discovered that Wikipedia has been hosting photos and articles about McCain. Sanctions have since been deployed against the site, and it has been put on the list of known terrorist organisations.

Sources have since confirmed that Trump is now refusing to leave the bunker, after spotting a photo of John McCain in the hallway.

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