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“I’d never attack immigrants for political points!” says guy who just opened a detention centre for political points

NATIONAL |

Prime Minister (correct as of time of publication) Scott Morrison has today hit back at claims that he had once suggested the Liberal Party run a scare campaign against Muslim immigration, stating that any and all such allegations were a lie.

“I never said anything of the sort,” said Morrison, stepping off a plane on Christmas Island, “I love Muslims and I love migrants. Now if you’ll all look to the left you’ll see the new state of the art cages we’ve built to house those evil muslim migrants who are trying to break into our country.”

Asked how he could seriously claim not to have attempted to score political points off immigration while an “I stopped these” boat trophy sits proudly on show in his office, Mr Morrison accused the trophy of defamation, and threatened to sue it.

“The fact is I love migrants,” explained Morrison. “Whether they be from England, Scotland, Ireland or even Wales, our government will never discriminate when it comes to which British migrants we allow into our country.”

“All these claims that I am somehow using dog whistle tactics to win votes are just vicious media slurs, which I won’t be wasting any more time on. Instead from now on I’ll only be talking about the things that really matter to everyday Aussies: creating jobs, lowering taxes, and ridding Melbourne of criminal African gangs.”


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#eggteen No further nominations to be accepted for Australian of the Year 2020

NEWS |

A simple act of irreverent political dissent has catapulted a 17 year old boy into the hearts of mainstream Australian and New Zealand, demonstrating that real human beings can prove a political point without resorting to the senseless murder of innocent people.

An as yet unidentified youth egged Queensland Senator and known fuckwit Fraser Anning today as the Senator held a press conference/exercise in cognitive dissonance regarding immigration and the tragic Christchurch mass shooting.

As a result, the youth has been unofficially titled the 2020 Australian of the Year by popular decree.

“And if he’s not Australian we can make him one,” said an onlooker at the scene of the egging in Melbourne.

“Egging racists is good form as it is, but to crack this pathetic fuck as he spouts his hateful and divisive cuntery, at a time when all of New Zealand and Australia try to come together as one in their grief… it couldn’t be better.”

“Unless Steve Irwin returns from the dead and solves climate change, the gong for Aussie of the year has to be his.”

Right wing commentators were unsure how to respond to the egging, with Andrew Bolt calling for all eggs to be banned import into Australia until authorities can crack any further extremists; while Miranda Devine urged for calm and rational debate around egg ownership and control in Australia. “Many responsible Australians own and operate eggs safely, so we can’t blame this attack on one bad… egg.”

 

 

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VIDEOS |

From The Chaser’s War on Everything. Check out more of our archives. 

Daily Telegraph takes day out from bashing muslims to condemn xenophobia

GENERAL NEWS |

News Corporation masthead and leading cat-litter liner The Daily Telegraph have today scrapped their planned weekend cover at the last minute, to publish a touching eulogy to the victims of the Christchurch massacre. Putting their original “Asylum seekers are trying to steal your hospital bed” headline on hold for a different weekend, editors instead opted for a heartfelt call for everyone to come together and embrace people regardless of religion for three or four days, before slowly allowing everything to backslide to the normal levels of xenophobia.

“We must stop this senseless violence,” read the front page editorial in bold letters. “The Daily Telegraph strongly condemns any violence or discrimination against innocent Muslims who are trying to rip apart our lifestyle with insidious sharia law.”

The paper’s sister station, Sky News, also went to great lengths to express their anguish at the news of what had happened, stating that it was terrifying to every person working for News Corporation that such violent extremism could come from Australia. “We here at Sky are all in shock,” explained the Andrew Bolt in between railing against section 18c and political correctness. “We have no idea how a young man like this could have been exposed to such extremist, radical ideas about muslims. Now for an ad break, but stay tuned because coming up we’re joined by Blair Cotrell to discuss how banning Nazis from twitter is killing free speech.”

Strike kids should be in school, learning how to count coal lobby donations, says PM

NATIONAL |

The Prime Minister Scott Morrison has pleaded with kids considering going to the School Strike for Climate, to wait until the planet has been completely ruined by his generation before they start trying to save it

He said kids should instead be in school, learning important skills, such as maths. “I use maths every day to count up the amount of donations I get from the coal lobby.”

He also emphasised the importance of spelling. “Every day, I have to spell phrases like ‘thank you, sir’ and ‘what else can I do for you, sir’ when I write letters to coal mining executives. It’s an important life skill. 

He said he didn’t understand why protestors were so impatient. “There’ll be plenty of time to protest once my generation has finished with it,” he laughed

“The problem with these kids is that they’re not very realistic. These kids are thinking about 40, 50, 100 years into the future. I’m thinking about the coal lobby fundraiser I’ve got to attend next Tuesday. What’s more important?”

Mr Morrison said he was considering setting up a “Hunger Games” style event to bring the kids into line. If re-elected, he said his government would put 24 tributes from amongst the student strikers into a large greenhouse arena, where the temperatures would be, on average, several degrees higher than their historical average. “Then they’ll have to fight to survive!” said Mr Morrison.

When it was pointed out that’s exactly the future held for the kids anyway, Mr Morrison claimed that he was taking plenty of action on climate, if you counted praying about it each night, while he was counting up coal lobby donations.

Global chaos as Instagram outage blocks access to sponsored opinions

WORLD |

Instagram went down overnight, preventing millions of millennials from accessing Selena Gomez’s latest sponsored posts.

“I don’t think I can survive without knowing what Selena has been paid $500,000 to say she’s into,” one frustrated fan Snapchatted. “I’m going to have to go shopping and buy things I like myself. And what’s the point of that?”

“I’m lost,” said one young woman, via the now-unfamiliar means of opening her mouth and speaking rather than sending Instagram DMs. “What if Roxy Jacenko’s daughter releases a new bow and nobody can ‘Like’ it? Will it even have been released at all?

The crisis did have one unexpected benefit, however, stripping Kylie Jenner of her billionaire status, although her fortune quickly returned when the site went back up.

Some speculated that the crisis was caused by everyone logging on to see whether the popular influencer Olivia Jade had commented on the scandal that saw her mother Lori Loughlin being charged for purchasing her place at a university in the now-irrelevant, non-virtual world.

“Why does she even need to go to stupid college? It really cuts into her gramming time,” one follower said. “And she already has a career. Instagram is totes going to be relevant forever.”

Instagram itself was unable to comment on the prolonged outage, as its post apologising for the problem wouldn’t go through, and the company has no other means of communicating.

The outage also affected Facebook, but that didn’t affect anybody at all, as Facebook is soooo 2016 and besides, like, everyone’s mum is on it.

Catholic Michael Jackson fan quietly questioning everything

GENERAL NEWS |

Local Catholic and paid up member of the Michael Jackson fanclub Dorithy Wattle is quietly questioning everything today, after every person she has ever loved in this world was outed as a child predator in the span of one week.

“I just don’t understand it,” said a deflated Dorithy at an empty MJ drinks and trivia night. “Of all the people in this world that I would have picked as being perverts back in the 80s – MJ and and George Pell were not even on the list. Who’s going to be the next beloved 80s star to fall – Winona Ryder, Johnny Depp, Rob Lowe or even Matthew Broderick? God help me if one of those angels turns out to be a criminal.”

Informed that, in fact, those stars had been accused of theft, domestic abuse, soliciting a minor and vehicular manslaughter, Ms Wattle excused herself, before being heard screaming swear words from the next room.

“To think I used to look down on my friend Cindy in grade 4 for having posters of that ‘wicked’ Freddy Mercury on her wall.” said Ms Wattle on returning. “Christ, I’ve made some bad calls in my time.”

However, Dorithy is remaining upbeat, stating that without her faith or her beloved Michael Jackson record collection, she still has other interests to fall back on. “At least I still have my Woody Allen movie club every Wednesday. Now there’s one guy you can rely on to be a decent human being!”

World’s businesses in crisis as Gmail outage allows workers to spend home time relaxing, having fun

GENERAL NEWS |

Businesses across the world were thrown into chaos today following a massive failure at Google that saw both the Google email and drive services go down worldwide. Panicked businesses were reported to be frantically attempting workarounds for the issue this afternoon, with dire fears that employees may be able to actually go home and relax with their kids if a solution was not found by 5pm.

“It’s a nightmare,” said one white collar middle-manager, John Stocks, this afternoon. “What in the world am I going to do on the train on my way home if I can’t sit there flicking through and answering emails? Look out the window? Do a sudoku? Please, that’s hardly going to project to everyone on the train that I’m a high powered executive, now is it?”

Employees of Stocks however seem far less concerned, with many expressing the view that they were actually looking forward to a single day without being subtly gaslight by middle-management during unpaid work hours. “It’ll be nice to actually go home and have twelve hours to myself without having to think about work,” said one crazed employee. “I mean I know I totally don’t have to look at emails when I’m off the clock but lets be honest nobody actually buys that. Who knows, thanks to this outage, I might actually experience relaxation for the first time in eight years. Wait shit no, nevermind, the boss has just added me on Facebook, well it was nice while it lasted.”

Mark Latham to undergo DNA test for ‘Dickhead’ gene

NATIONAL |

FOLLOWING his calls for DNA testing for Indigenous welfare recipients, One Nation’s Mark Latham will today undergo his own DNA test as the CSIRO attempts to isolate the dickhead gene.

“We’ve been having problems around the nation lately, with a lot of dickheads pretending to be State and Federal politicians with a worthy contribution to public discourse just claiming benefits like cars and a parliamentary pension,” a press release declared.

“This blatant rorting of a system that is there to benefit all Australians needs to stop.

“We hope that with rigorous genetic tests we can determine whether these people are worthy of office or just dickheads before they’re even pre-selected.

“Australians are sick and tired of seeing these pretenders given the opportunity to spruik their bigoted ideas when they quite clearly have no recognisable background as someone possessing a modicum of intelligence.”

Should the gene be successfully identified, there are hopes the program can be rolled out into other industries, including entertainment, television programming and the NRL.

Abbott to fight Steggall with harsh ‘Stop the Manly Ferry’ policy

NEWS |

Backbench MP Tony Abbott has announced the key plank of his reelection campaign will be against boat people arriving in the seat’s main suburb of Manly.

“Manly is regularly hit by a heavy influx of boat people, aided by people paid to traffic these people,” Mr Abbott said at his campaign launch today. “It’s downright disgusting that there are people captaining these boats and getting paid for it.”

“Taking money from those that are desperate, vulnerable and optimistic enough to make the journey. They are bringing free loading outsiders that over run the infrastructure and destroy our meaning of beach culture”

Mr Abbott will be picketing Manly Wharf this Sunday, where the first arrival of boat people will be at 7.15 via the ‘Harbour Hopper’ Manly Ferry. Mr Abbott predicted the arrival will be mostly English backpackers.

The arrivals will be immediately flown to Nauru and locked up at a cost of billions of dollars to Manly residents. A straw poll of residents found that they believe this to be a ‘good idea’ and ‘definitely worth it’.

Ms Steggall refused to comment on Mr Abbott’s anti-boat people crusade, though she privately concede that ‘everyone does hate English backpackers’.


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