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Joyce once again officially running the country after unofficially running the country for the past 2 weeks

NATIONAL |

‘Deputy’ Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has announced he is excited to get to work as acting PM while Scott Morrison is in Glasgow. This shake up for Barnaby comes after two weeks of him acting as PM unofficially.

“It is the role of the Prime Minister to shape our climate policy,” said Joyce, “and I have been doing a bang up job over the last couple weeks. I have been calling all the shots and helped secure the future of the National Party. We will move forward with climate planning as quickly and effectively as we can, over my dead body!”

However climate change is not the only issue he is excited to lead the nation on as the former deputy PM who was removed from that position due to workplace sexual harassment, said that he is excited to take on the role at an extremely crucial time for Australian politics a senate hearing regarding the Women’s Summit and action regarding the treatment of women takes place.

“I have always been horny for power around here and there is no better time to lead the discussion on horniness around this place than right now. We need to see real change so we don’t have situations like those that have been spoken about in the media, doesn’t happen again. We must get better at covering up, unless you are a junior female staffer. Do the opposite of that please.”

Daily podcast – Back to School

PODCASTS |

Comedian and teacher Harry Jun stops by to discuss how teachers are feeling about students coming back to school, as well as the effects of online teaching, and the cutting-edge methods of online bullying. Plus Charles forgets his intro, and Aleksa has another story from down under.

Prince Charles excited to hear he might be getting a promotion soon

GENERAL NEWS |

Crown Prince old enough to have retired years ago, Prince Charles has been spotted trying to hide his excitement after he has been getting the feeling that he might be getting a promotion soon. The Prince who has always lived in his mother’s shadow, is excited by the opportunity to step up to this position that he claims he was ‘born to do’.

“Finally this could be my chance to be in charge,” he said on his way to Buckingham Palace, “it’s my time to shine. Soon I might not have to be living at mother’s house for once.”

“I have waited so long for this moment. The constant grind of saying ‘hello’ to the peasants at the water cooler, the endless drab meetings with heads of states about budget issues, and my constant attempts to organise a trip for my boss to go on a driving tour of Paris; it will all soon be worth the effort I put it.”

“I mean it would be tragic of course. Absolutely tragic if the current boss decides to stick around a bit longer and instead of passing on the torch. I mean between you and me, I think it’s been too long with her in charge anyway but she seems to be really committed to not letting go and just handing it over to me. The fact that she has lasted this long is infuriating… I mean impressive.”

Some members of the public have criticised the Prince’s excitement with many claiming that his appointment would be a serious sign of nepotism, noting that it would just be another example of a rich white guy getting a high paying job because of who his parents are. However they have also admitted that, ‘it could be worse, it could be his brother.”

Crown Casino deemed unethical enough to be a casino

GENERAL NEWS |

Following a disastrous year which has included illegal activities, multiple exploitative practise standards being broken, racial discrimination cases and a complete disregard for the most basic of human ethics and decency, Crown Casino has been allowed to keep their casino license due to being exactly what a casino is meant to be.

“Crown has been involved in a whole range of disgusting and allegedly illegal business practises, that is what we want to see from our major Casino chains,” said a representative for the Victorian Government.

“Well done to them. I mean it is one thing to be hidden about dodgy behaviour, but it takes true talent in the industry to be as publicly dodgy as they have been. We hope to see their contribution to the local community continue long into the future.”

The shock announcement came after the casino announced that they were going to change their ways after hiring a new manager which reportedly left some in the Victorian Government claiming to believe the company does plan to change its ways, although luckily for investors it became clear to everyone that the change was not actually a commitment to ethical work practises for the company.

“There is nothing wrong with how the system works,” continued the representative on his way to lunch with James Packer at Crown Casino, “the company has paid their dues and it is time to move forward. They always do their best to pay their dues as political donations and so we forgive them. Actually thinking about it, I want to see everyone who is struggling give crown a 2000th chance. I want a new yacht that we can use as a billboard.”

Daily podcast – The Australian Vibe

PODCASTS |

The team celebrates Scott Morrison’s latest announcement for Australia’s plan to face the climate crisis, which almost nearly sounds like a plan. Meanwhile Charles deep dives into an underground social network called “Facebook”, and Gabbi delves into the true backstory of her new favourite stage play about an FBI whistle-blower spy.

Guy who didn’t know batteries exist spends first day in Cabinet struggling to get TV remote to work

NATIONAL |

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has somehow managed to find a worse person to be in charge of the mining industry than Angus Taylor.

Keith Pitt will join the cabinet as Resources Minister after a prestigious career of no-one knowing he existed. That was brought to an abrupt halt earlier in the year when he claimed renewable energy only works during the day despite the fact that both batteries and wind exist, even at night time.

The PM said that Pitt’s level of expertise in the field will be perfect for representing the amount the Coalition actually plans to do in order to combat climate change.

“Keith might not be an expert on anything,” claimed the PM, “but he is good enough to be Resources Minister. Mainly because he, like all of us here in Cabinet, believe we should be subsidising coal production even when other countries stop buying it.”

Pitt has had a rough start to his new job after he demanded his Commonwealth Car have its battery removed.

Daily podcast – What is Australia’s favourite snack?

PODCASTS |

Host of the podcast Don’t You Know Who I Am? Josh Earl comes by to discuss the polls he’s been running on Twitter to learn what Australians love most. But when the topic of people’s favourite chocolates and music comes up, things quickly get heated in The Chaser office. Plus Gabbi has a tale that serves as a helpful reminder that men still really need to improve.

Coalition commits to net zero clarity on climate policy by 2030

NATIONAL |

The National Party has gained an extra position in Federal Cabinet in return for committing to do anything nothing towards a climate goal for 2050.

The Nationals lauded Scott Morrison’s brilliant negotiating technique of conceding everything without gaining anything.

The deal means that the government is now on track to meet its ambitious goal of net zero clarity on climate policy by 2030.

“Our policy is crystal clear,” claimed the PM, “we want nothing to be crystal clear. The less clear the better, that goes for policy and the sky after our coal is burned. It’s time that we make progress, at a future time.”

“We are committed to committing to net zero by 2050, but we are also committed to increasing our coal production. We do not want to destroy the economy, but we should be investing more into fuel sources that less countries want to buy, decreased demand means increased demand and supply. We will also be investing in green coal, and brown coal, and black coal. Renewables, maybe?”

“Climate change is a serious threat, especially to billionaires who dig up stuff in rural areas. Barnaby has vowed to look after that community. And we all know that we can trust a vow from Barnaby Joyce.”

“We will be listening to the top experts from Clive to Gina and everyone in between,” Mr Joyce told reporters. “We truly represent a diverse array of mining billionaire.”

Daily podcast – We found the Zodiac killer

PODCASTS |

Charles is excited to crash random people’s funerals, we speak to Julien Vincent from Market Forces about NAB’s love for pretending to care about the environment and John cracks the greatest cold case of all time.

Christian Porter receives Walkley nomination for work in exposing Christian Porter

NATIONAL |

Former Attorney General and GoFundMe page enthusiast Christian Porter has been honoured with a Walkley Award nomination for his invaluable contribution to journalism excellence in his stunning exposé of Christian Porter.

Acclaimed journalist Christian Porter has broken many major stories about Christian Porter over the past year including that he was the subject of a historical rape allegation and that he received an anonymous $1 million donation from a trust fund.

“I just don’t know how he gets this information?” said retired journalism doyen Laurie Oakes. “Where’s the leak coming from?! He must have a source close to Porter!”

Porter has also been highly commended by Australian journalists everywhere for providing them with an unprecedented level of content, despite also giving them an unprecedented amount of legal fees.

In other news, the Walkley Foundation has come under fire for receiving an anonymous $1 million donation shortly after Porter’s nomination was revealed.

The organisation has strenuously denied the mystery doner influenced any nominations, as everyone knows nobody ever expects anything in return for large sums of money.

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