Opposition leader Anthony ‘Loose Unit’ Albanese has today called on Scott Morrison to hold a final leaders debate at Woy Woy Maccas carpark, after spending the day doing donuts out the front of Kirribilli house.
“Oy get out here ya dog,” Albo was heard shouting this afternoon while necking a VB in the gutter. “Fuckin lets get on the Dandrews then decide this election like men, hey.”
It is just the latest move slammed by the Murdoch media as “UnAustralian” following a string of recent scandals, which saw the opposition leader unable to recall the number of cold ones he sunk at The Bowlo the previous night.
“You simply can’t trust this man with the economy,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison explained, in between destroying the housing market and putting the country in a trillion dollars of debt, “Unlike me, Albo might fuck up fuel and food prices, which are both great right now I assume.”
Asked for a response, the opposition leader told journalists to “suck a fat one” before doing a burnout into a wall.
It is the day before the 2022 Australian Federal Election… and Sami Shah is back! How has Sami dealt with the constant political sh*tstorm of this election campaign? Who did he vote for? Why do other people hide their votes? What does he think will be the final outcome? And why is Thanos the only suitable candidate?
It’s Election Eve Eve today, so Chas joins Charles and Dom to make his election predictions on who life WON’T be easy for under Albanese. Meanwhile independent candidate Jo Dyer is back on to talk about her expectations for the big day are. Plus John brings us his final lessons from watching Sky News.
Local parents Steph and Robert Fakename have today welcomed two newborn sons into the world, settling on the names “Corruption” and “Climate Change” in the hopes it will prevent the Prime Minister from tackling them before 2050.
“At first we were considering going with ‘Barnaby Joyce’s Sex Scandals’,” explained Steph, “but then we found out three of our friends had already named their kids that, and it would have been far too confusing.”
The pair eventually settled on their final names, after whittling down a list of 50 potential names that the PM would never tackle, including “Police Brutality”, “The Wage Gap” and “Alan Tudge”.
“If one of them was a girl we were also considering Marge,” explained Robert. “Short for Marginal Electorate, which would mean she’d be guaranteed free money for life.”
Opposition leader Anthony Albanese has come out swinging today, in order to prove he is just as strong as Scott Morrison. Seen sprinting to the nearest children’s playground, Albanese’s assault on a local netball player comes just hours after the Prime Minister ruthlessly took out a child in under 7s soccer match.
“Labor is running a small target campaign this election” said a senior policy advisor, “you couldn’t find a smaller target than the head of a child.”
Labor said they are just as tough, if not tougher than Morrison on the big issues like asylum seekers, sovereign borders and Devonport Striker’s star under 7s side.
The AFP have been put on red alert to ensure they protect the candidates from themselves.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken a break from fear mongering that trans people pose a threat to children’s sport by crash tackling a small child during a game of soccer.
“This is simply an issue of keeping the children safe when on the sporting field,” said Morrison after being red carded in a game against kids. “I bet that as soon as the kid gets out of the medical tent he will be glad that I stopped his trans friend from playing with him.”
Warringah candidate Katherine Deves responded to the tackle by saying, “I’m glad to see children’s sport safe from the threat of trans kids. Just a child safely being slammed to the ground by an adult of the same biological gender. Imagine if the kid was tackled by a trans boy his age!”
Asked why he tackled a child, Morrison brushed it off, explaining “You know I can be a bulldozer when it comes to these things.”
Independent MP for Warringah Zali Steggall joins Charles and Dom to answer the hard hitting questions nobody else is asking her. Meanwhile Charles and Dom make their gloomy predictions for who will come out on top after the election. Plus Charles ponders why anyone would be opposed to a bulldozer crushing the country.
Defense Minister Peter Dutton has today distracted himself from the pain of his recent defamation lawsuit loss, by playing a round of his favourite game of puppy drowning.
“Oh boy I just love drowning defenceless animals,” Dutton told the press outside the court today. “Can’t get enough of their screams.”
The master of the dark arts also told reporters that he was disheartened by the court’s ruling, but was kept going by the knowledge that he has many other ways to ruin a person’s life like provoking a nuclear power, torturing a refugee child or smiling at someone.
“This will completely ruin my reputation,” explained the ‘losing my defence’ minister. “The idea that people could think of me as some sort of rape apologist instead of a man who simply locks children up on island prison camps is very concerning.”
In response to the win, Dutton’s opponent has told the AFP, “why are you in my house? What am I being arrested for? Where are you taking me?”
As a special guest for our final week of the Election Edition, we managed to score an interview with the Australian Electoral Commission’s spokesperson and Twitter mastermind, Evan Ekin-Smyth. Naturally, Charles and Andrew pester the AEC with all your stupid questions for our final “Stupid Questions Only” segment. Plus Andrew gives a review of his favourite government pork-barrels.
Prime Minister and chart-topping singer Scott Morrison has today vowed to change his entire personality and leadership style to get the edge over ‘each-way Albo.’
Completing his distancing from the Scott Morrison problem, Scott Morrison has moved to blame Labor for Scott Morrison saying Scott Morrison has never been a Scott Morrison responsibility.
Meanwhile, the PM’s vow to be less of a “bulldozer” if re-elected has backfired with voters overwhelmingly preferring bulldozers to Morrison. “Personally, I think it’s time we had a leader who is prepared to do some heavy lifting,” said one swinging voter. “Plus, bulldozers have far more emotional intelligence than Morrison.”