Local day drinker and hobby historian Pat English has today solved the bushfire crisis by helpfully pointing out Australia has always had bushfires on his friend’s facebook feed. Responding to concerns by friends that the rapidly increasing fire season is somehow linked to the global rise in temperatures caused by carbon emissions, Pat helpfully explained that Australia has always had bushfires, so everything is perfectly normal.

“Yea nah yea,” said Pat when asked to elaborate, “Like I always remember there being fires, like you remember that big one? Yea, it’s totally normal.”

However, asked to name the last time New South Wales had 54 seperate fires burning in early November or that the entire continent of Australia had zero rainfall for a day, Pat was less confident, admitting that he didn’t have all the facts, and was just speaking about his personal experience. “Yea, look alright, I can’t actually remember last time two states had catastrophic fire warnings, but on the other hand it’s all the Greens fault for banning backburns, I heard that on facebook, so it must be true.”

Local gut-feeling holder and part time facebook poster Gus Whatson has today taken to the comment thread of an ABC report to inform journalists that climate change does not in fact exist. “You now what it really it?” he asked, somehow overpowering his spellcheck, “Its those dam greenies! They banned backburning and now everything s on fire!”

When contacted for comment, local Greens parties were shocked at the news, stating they hadn’t realised they actually had a majority of seats in parliament and therefore were able to pass any law they wanted. “Boy, if we’d known that we probably would have implemented a carbon tax years ago, you know before our backburn bans set the country on fire.” said one representative. “Strange though, it seems like a weird thing for us to have passed that particular law through parliament when we have so many policies we’ve never bothered to make law, like fullblown Marxism, as Andrew Bolt keeps telling us we want so badly.”

Asked why they had allowed these backburn bans to pass through parliament unchecked, both the Liberal and Labor party said they were simply overpowered by the three seat the Greens held in parliament. “Look, we really wanted to stop the greens from doing this insane thing” explained Premier Gladys Berejiklian, “but the fact is we only have 48 seats and we’ve only controlled the balance of power for the last 10 years, so we had no choice but to let that law pass, no matter how much we protested.”

Asked for his opinion on the backburn ban, local firefighter Scott Scrub was surprised, stating he had not known a ban was in place. “God, I could have gone to jail!” he said, “Good think all those cuts to the fire services meant we couldn’t do as many of them, and stopped back-burning so close to houses because of the risk of the fires getting out of control. God, could you imagine if someone found out we were still doing backburns every year? We’d be in so much trouble.

“The only people that care about climate change are raving hippie lunatics” declared Deputy PM and Nationals-Leader-When-Barnaby-Is-In-The-Naughty-Corner Michael McCormick today, while standing on a makeshift podium assembled with cow skulls and sheep bones.

“I mean, really, no one cares about the land out here in the country. It’s just a big city elitist thing,” he barked as a clump of dust ricocheted and spattered off of his tailored $2000 suit before raining down on the swirling dustbowl of nothing below.

“This is really just an inner city leftie issue. It doesn’t affect rural Australia,” he continued as the sky above him beat a fiery blood orange red while the surrounding country he’s charged with supporting burned to ash before his eyes.

“And really, now is not the time to discuss these issues. I would prefer it if these ‘woke’ city slickers would pick a more appropriate time to discuss the environment,” he complained as various species of native birds, insects, and somehow an emu, fell from the sky around him.

“And.. h… jeez it’s hot. Has anyone got a glass of water? Water.” He desperately motioned to his assistant.

“What do you mean there’s no water?”

The McDonalds corporation have today announced a record profit projection, sending shareprices skyrocketing, after the company revealed plans to replace recently fired CEO Steve Easterbrook with a self-serve executive terminal.

“Not having to pay a single middle aged white man $21.8 million a year to sit around and eat powdered donuts turns out to be one of the single best businesses decisions we’ve ever made,” read the company’s latest financial report. “To think all these years we’ve been trying to save costs by paying our checkout teenagers minimum wage when it turns out the real staff costs were all these executive bonuses we’ve been paying for five people to turn up to an air conditioned office every few weeks and look at some powerpoint presentations full of made up phrases like ‘projected cost visualisations’. Can’t believe we never noticed this before.”

Early critics of the new self-serve CEO have also been quickly silenced by the terminal’s glowing performance record so far. Offering a range of four easy-to-select options, from ‘cut staff wages’, to ‘give self bonus’, to ‘release a new burger with a slightly fancier bun and a slice of tomato then charge twice as much’ – the terminal has been praised as accomplishing everything its predecessors have done. and more.

“I’ll admit, at fist I was wary that the machine might not live up to the high standards we expect from our CEOs,” said one fellow board member, “but I was really blown away during our first meeting when it offered us the choice between ‘run a monopoly branded promotion’ or ‘shrink the big mac again’ – that’s the kind of uninovative thinking that you’d normally only get from someone on a $20 million a year salary.”

Asked whether any of these millions of dollars in savings would be passed back to hard working employees as a bonus, the board members all laughed, before using the self serve CEO to give themselves another payrise.