Scott Morrison has categorically denied his government is constantly involved in secret dodgy business, saying the dodgy behaviour has been anything but secret.

“The idea that our government would be hiding dodgy behaviour is completely unfounded and borders on defamatory,” said an angry Prime Minister. “We have nothing to hide! Why would we? It’s not like anyone can stop us from being corrupt. Hiding it would be a complete waste of time. Time that could be better spent paying our mates to do jobs they never will do.”

“When I respond to requests for a National Integrity Commission by just smirking at my phone, I assumed you understood. But I guess you idiots need to have it spelt out to you. We aren’t trying to be secretive, we are basking in our own success.”

“Seriously. What can stop us? The only one with the power to stop us is The Queen, and if she does that we would be a republic faster than you can say ‘new Sydney airport’. Plus guess who would be in charge of setting up the republic? Mwu ha ha ha ha!”

The Victorian government has caused international outrage by quietly knocking down several historic Catholic Churches in order to make way for a new highway. A government spokesperson described the event as ‘a regular part of necessary change and they understand it might be tough for Christians but we all must be willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of everyone.’

“It is regrettable. But a fair deal was made with leaders from the Church, so I don’t get why they would even get mad now.” claimed the spokesperson.

“We gave them the option to receive some money and choose a couple Churches to stay, or we would choose to knock them all down. So, I think you will find it is very much on them and not us.”

“What people need to understand is your beliefs are important, but highways are more important.”

“We respect their culture a lot, and happily showcase it whenever we need to a tourism campaign.”

“It had to happen though. It’s not like Australia is a wide brown land and with easily enough space to have just avoided the churches. It’s an Australian tradition to not give a shit about what was there before us. Sorry Christians, that’s how this works, you should know that by now.”

Staff at The Herald Sun have today been rushed to hospital, after the entire company suffered from whiplash after attempting a rapid pivot against opening up Victoria. Hearing Dan Andrews announce that the state would no longer be in lockdown in 14 days time, the newspaper’s editors frantically rushed to remove all previous articles from their website asking for Dan to do exactly that, instead replacing them with stories about how Dan isn’t enough of a dictator.

“What a nutcase, doesn’t this guy know there’s a deadly virus about?” wrote Andrew Bolt in a blog post this evening. “If you’re a sensible Victorian like me and Jeff Kennett, you’ll be ignoring this order by softie Dan Andrews, and you’ll continue locking down indefinitely, until there’s a vaccine, or until Dan asks us to lock down again.”

Asked whether they would be giving Dan Andrews any praise for eliminating the virus and opening up the economy again, Herald Sun reporters said that they couldn’t guarantee anything, as they are journalists who simply report what they see, and then watch their stories be completely rewritten at the editorial stage to fit the narrative of Rupert Murdoch.

Unlucky in love Premier Gladys Berekjiklian has today updated her statements to the ICAC, seeking to clarify the relationship between her and disgrace of a person Daryl Maguireby pleading the classic “tucking in my shirt” defence.

“This is a private matter and will remain as such,” claimed Gladys while posing for photos to use for her next front page tell all about the relationship. “But since you are making such a big fuss, and I am under oath again, I guess I will tell the truth this time. Nothing inappropriate happened, it was just one of those things where I was tucking in my shirt for five years and people thought it was sexual somehow. Classic mistake.”

“So if that has cleared everything up I am gonna take a break because this ordeal has been very stressful, I hear Wagga Wagga is nice this time of year.”

In response to this revaluation, the interviewer for the ICAC said that it doesn’t really change the matter at all. “To be honest, I don’t quite get how that is possibly a defence to the issue of why you lied under oath to an investigation into the corruption you intentionally turned a blind eye too instead of reporting.” asked the interviewer. “It feels like you may be trying to distract me for some reason. But on the other hand you’re in control of my pay so I’m going to allow it. Case dismissed.”

Christine Holgate, former chief executive of Australia Post, has been confirmed to be moving to a position more suited to her skills: Liberal parliamentarian. Having stepped down as CEO after her executives were given $3,000 watches as gifts, she will join the federal government, where rorting taxpayers and accepting dodgy gifts is just part of the job description.

Frontbencher Stuart Robert, who previously lobbied Chinese officials in behalf of corporate donors and once received $250,000 in gold Rolexes from a Chinese businessman, has welcomed the move. “We can’t be having such unethical behaviour from the CEO of a government-owned company. You have to be elected to parliament before you can do stuff like that.”

His thoughts were echoed by Deputy PM Michael McCormack, who recently spent $30 million in taxpayer funds to purchase land worth $3 million, Senator Bridget McKenzie, who disproportionately allocated taxpayer funds to sports clubs in marginal seats, and Communications Minister Paul Fletcher, the latest minister to oversee the government’s purchase of billions of dollars in decaying copper wire from Telstra.

Holgate will enter parliament as soon as a serving Liberal MP can be convinced to stand aside, or once they are all forced to resign ahead of the federal ICAC being established.

After unprecedented rainfall drenched Uluru over the weekend, One Nation Senator Pauline Hanson has today proposed turning the sacred indigenous landmark into a water park to attract more tourist. “I have already lined up the finest lifeguards that Cronulla Beach has to offer” she elaborated at a press conference on Tuesday.

Amusement park experts have raised concerns that the abrasiveness of the rock-surface coupled with the length of the proposed water-slide would result in patrons being effectively skinned by the time they reach the bottom. “We don’t see skin colour anyway” the One Nation responded to concerns, asserting that “Uluru belongs to all Australians, except those it belongs to, who shouldn’t have a say in this.”

Channel 9 has already offered to fund the proposed development, with the entire ‘A Current Affair’ team on standby for the moment Pauline gets stuck halfway down the slide.