LATEST
POPULAR

Government denies being secretly dodgy: “there’s nothing secret about it”

NATIONAL |

Scott Morrison has categorically denied his government is constantly involved in secret dodgy business, saying the dodgy behaviour has been anything but secret.

“The idea that our government would be hiding dodgy behaviour is completely unfounded and borders on defamatory,” said an angry Prime Minister. “We have nothing to hide! Why would we? It’s not like anyone can stop us from being corrupt. Hiding it would be a complete waste of time. Time that could be better spent paying our mates to do jobs they never will do.”

“When I respond to requests for a National Integrity Commission by just smirking at my phone, I assumed you understood. But I guess you idiots need to have it spelt out to you. We aren’t trying to be secretive, we are basking in our own success.”

“Seriously. What can stop us? The only one with the power to stop us is The Queen, and if she does that we would be a republic faster than you can say ‘new Sydney airport’. Plus guess who would be in charge of setting up the republic? Mwu ha ha ha ha!”

The Chaser Report – Ep 29 – Queuing for K-Mart

PODCASTS |

To celebrate the liberation of Melbourne, we cross to a man drinking in a park – David Milner. Also, Nina gets burgled, we visit the world’s strangest retirement community and Charles is a business idiot again. Oh and also, Nina died.





 

Historical Catholic Church knocked down to make room for a highway

NATIONAL |

The Victorian government has caused international outrage by quietly knocking down several historic Catholic Churches in order to make way for a new highway. A government spokesperson described the event as ‘a regular part of necessary change and they understand it might be tough for Christians but we all must be willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of everyone.’

“It is regrettable. But a fair deal was made with leaders from the Church, so I don’t get why they would even get mad now.” claimed the spokesperson.

“We gave them the option to receive some money and choose a couple Churches to stay, or we would choose to knock them all down. So, I think you will find it is very much on them and not us.”

“What people need to understand is your beliefs are important, but highways are more important.”

“We respect their culture a lot, and happily showcase it whenever we need to a tourism campaign.”

“It had to happen though. It’s not like Australia is a wide brown land and with easily enough space to have just avoided the churches. It’s an Australian tradition to not give a shit about what was there before us. Sorry Christians, that’s how this works, you should know that by now.”

Realistic challenge sees SAS Australia contestants lie about a war crime

ENTERTAINMENT |

Contestants on SAS Australia have faced their toughest challenge yet after being asked to cover up a war crime. Presenter and squad leader Ant Middleton informed them that the actions of comedian Merrick Watts had caused the death of an unarmed civilian and they were all to be interviewed about it.

Despite pressure from members of a specially-appointed tribunal, the contestants stood firm.

“Merrick had no choice,” said retired Olympian James Magnussen. “It was him or the heavily armed insurgent that turned out to be a frail old man. He did what he had to do in the circumstances, then did it a few more times until we wrestled the gun off him.”

Denying that they had coordinated their responses, former Bachelorette Ali Oetjen confirmed that the elderly farmer was holding an apple that looked like an AK-47 with extended clip. “You weren’t there,” said the 34-year-old fitness blogger.

Despite being shown video evidence indicating Watts’ guilt the interviewees could not be swayed. The remainder either refused to answer questions or became defiant.

“Fuck them and their court martial” said convicted smuggler Schapelle Corby. “I could do the time standing on my head.”

Left-wing voter wishes Biden was as cool as conservative media claims he is

WORLD |

As the US election draws closer and more Americans try to vote, some left-wing voters waiting in line have been caught daydreaming of a Joe Biden that is as cool as conservative media portrays him to be. Some of these voters have remarked that they wished he was the hard-left Antifa leader planning to topple America’s current imbalanced systems they see conservative talking heads rant about every day on twitter.

“Why did it have to be another straight old-white dude?” asked the women who backed Bernie Sanders in the primaries. “Just once I’d like to vote for someone cool who will make America into the Utopia we always claim to be. I want the Joe Biden Fox News hates, though I’ll happily settle for incremental reform Joe if it means no more Trump.”

“Conservative media hypes him up as a gun hating socialist who plans to end fracking, defund the police and bring in Medicare-for-all. That would be so fucking cool. His position on defunding the police is sort of the opposite. I say sort of because sure it does involve more funding in every area I think needs more funding but still. I mean sure he is more against the stuff I am against than Trump but come on. Just because he is better than Trump doesn’t mean I should necessarily vote for him, it’s not like those are the only two realistic choices. There is also Kanye.”

“Even the senile dementia stuff would be more interesting than the real thing. A president with a stutter really? No world leader has ever needed to take a moment to formulate their thoughts into sentences before or ever stumbled on a word. If there were, wouldn’t there be Oscar-winning movies about their speeches? I mean sure Trump might constantly talk in sentences that make no sense, that are usually just lies made up of a combination of bragging, racism, sexism, xenophobia, ableism, anti-science, and incest, but I’m convinced occasionally pausing and saying the wrong word is similarly as bad.”

“People online say I ‘should’ vote Biden but the rest of the world doesn’t get what it’s like to have to vote between two people who aren’t perfect choices. I don’t want to have to choose the lesser of two evils.”

Many from around the world have responded to the constant complaints that ‘Biden isn’t perfect’ by saying: “Grow up. This is the real world. We don’t live in some fairy-tale land like New Zealand. Democracy is about choosing the least worst candidate. The closest the rest of the world got to a Trump vs Bernie was when Britain had Boris vs Corbyn, and that socialist was pro-Brexit and constantly would lie about dealing with the antisemitism problem within his party. Trust us Democrats we get it ‘Bernie or bust’, but please don’t actually let the world go bust again.”

Update: America said they would consider it, while repeatedly punching themselves in the face for four years to own the libs

News Corp condemn Dan Andrews’ new direction, demand immediate return to stage 3 lockdown

NATIONAL |

Staff at The Herald Sun have today been rushed to hospital, after the entire company suffered from whiplash after attempting a rapid pivot against opening up Victoria. Hearing Dan Andrews announce that the state would no longer be in lockdown in 14 days time, the newspaper’s editors frantically rushed to remove all previous articles from their website asking for Dan to do exactly that, instead replacing them with stories about how Dan isn’t enough of a dictator.

“What a nutcase, doesn’t this guy know there’s a deadly virus about?” wrote Andrew Bolt in a blog post this evening. “If you’re a sensible Victorian like me and Jeff Kennett, you’ll be ignoring this order by softie Dan Andrews, and you’ll continue locking down indefinitely, until there’s a vaccine, or until Dan asks us to lock down again.”

Asked whether they would be giving Dan Andrews any praise for eliminating the virus and opening up the economy again, Herald Sun reporters said that they couldn’t guarantee anything, as they are journalists who simply report what they see, and then watch their stories be completely rewritten at the editorial stage to fit the narrative of Rupert Murdoch.

Gladys asks ICAC if she can change to the “just tucking in my shirt” defence

NATIONAL |

Unlucky in love Premier Gladys Berekjiklian has today updated her statements to the ICAC, seeking to clarify the relationship between her and disgrace of a person Daryl Maguireby pleading the classic “tucking in my shirt” defence.

“This is a private matter and will remain as such,” claimed Gladys while posing for photos to use for her next front page tell all about the relationship. “But since you are making such a big fuss, and I am under oath again, I guess I will tell the truth this time. Nothing inappropriate happened, it was just one of those things where I was tucking in my shirt for five years and people thought it was sexual somehow. Classic mistake.”

“So if that has cleared everything up I am gonna take a break because this ordeal has been very stressful, I hear Wagga Wagga is nice this time of year.”

In response to this revaluation, the interviewer for the ICAC said that it doesn’t really change the matter at all. “To be honest, I don’t quite get how that is possibly a defence to the issue of why you lied under oath to an investigation into the corruption you intentionally turned a blind eye too instead of reporting.” asked the interviewer. “It feels like you may be trying to distract me for some reason. But on the other hand you’re in control of my pay so I’m going to allow it. Case dismissed.”

Corrupt AusPost CEO to be punished with Liberal preselection

NATIONAL |

Christine Holgate, former chief executive of Australia Post, has been confirmed to be moving to a position more suited to her skills: Liberal parliamentarian. Having stepped down as CEO after her executives were given $3,000 watches as gifts, she will join the federal government, where rorting taxpayers and accepting dodgy gifts is just part of the job description.

Frontbencher Stuart Robert, who previously lobbied Chinese officials in behalf of corporate donors and once received $250,000 in gold Rolexes from a Chinese businessman, has welcomed the move. “We can’t be having such unethical behaviour from the CEO of a government-owned company. You have to be elected to parliament before you can do stuff like that.”

His thoughts were echoed by Deputy PM Michael McCormack, who recently spent $30 million in taxpayer funds to purchase land worth $3 million, Senator Bridget McKenzie, who disproportionately allocated taxpayer funds to sports clubs in marginal seats, and Communications Minister Paul Fletcher, the latest minister to oversee the government’s purchase of billions of dollars in decaying copper wire from Telstra.

Holgate will enter parliament as soon as a serving Liberal MP can be convinced to stand aside, or once they are all forced to resign ahead of the federal ICAC being established.

Record Uluru rainfall: Pauline Hanson unveils new water park plan

NATIONAL |

After unprecedented rainfall drenched Uluru over the weekend, One Nation Senator Pauline Hanson has today proposed turning the sacred indigenous landmark into a water park to attract more tourist. “I have already lined up the finest lifeguards that Cronulla Beach has to offer” she elaborated at a press conference on Tuesday.

Amusement park experts have raised concerns that the abrasiveness of the rock-surface coupled with the length of the proposed water-slide would result in patrons being effectively skinned by the time they reach the bottom. “We don’t see skin colour anyway” the One Nation responded to concerns, asserting that “Uluru belongs to all Australians, except those it belongs to, who shouldn’t have a say in this.”

Channel 9 has already offered to fund the proposed development, with the entire ‘A Current Affair’ team on standby for the moment Pauline gets stuck halfway down the slide.

Local man overjoyed to be bored by politics again

WORLD |

People across the world let out a sigh of relief today, after a completely non-eventful presidential debate saw two opponents discuss their plans for running America for two hours to a largely disinterested audience. “I can’t remember a single thing they said,” explained one half-asleep man today. “God it’s been so long since I’ve felt like this.”

Asked what they thought on the competing Democratic versus Republican plans to address fracking’s effects on emission reductions, American voters everywhere shrugged and said they had actually largely tuned out at that point. “I’m pretty sure Republicans are pro-emissions and Democrats are against them, but if I’m honest I was browsing Reddit by that point,” explained one voter. “Yea look I’m voting Democrat anyway because, well everything, so I don’t really think it would have made a difference if I’d been paying attention.”

Republican voters however say they were very swayed by the few parts of the debate they paid attention to. “I especially liked the part where Trump promised to fix the pandemic with a vaccine. Very innovative that, and we all know if a vaccine was found Joe Biden wouldn’t use it. Great plan by Trump there, can’t believe the Democrats didn’t think of it.”

Asked whether he would be voting for Trump again this year, former Trump voter Joe Morgan said he would likely not. Asked why exactly, Morgan’s estate said he was unable to answer questions on account of having died from a hoax virus.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!