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Following The Crown’s lead, Sky News to pre-warn viewers that their stories are mostly fiction

NATIONAL |

Fans of Sky News have expressed shock and outrage today, after it was revealed that most stories featured in the news network’s programming were complete fabrications and not at all based in reality, in what Sky are justifying as “The Crown” model of news broadcasting.

The warning, to play before every show broadcast, will alert viewers that occasionally elements of the stories told in the show may accidentally be true, and that viewers should use their own discretion to filter out any accidental pro-Labor sentiment.

“Unfortunately we can never really know what goes on behind those closed doors,” said Andrew Bolt, reporting on people inside their homes in Melbourne. “But we can only assume that they are probably cowering in fear, afraid to leave because of all the African gangs roaming the streets.”

However, News Corp have hit back against critics who say their passing off heavily slanted opinion as serious journalism is damaging the profession, stating that the opposite is in fact true. “Just watch this video of impartial observer Peta Credlin stating that we are all really good journalists,” explained one executive. “You have to believe what she says, after all her previous career as Tony Abbott’s chief of staff means she is clearly the most balanced and fair broadcaster you’ll ever come across.”

“Just ask anyone on Sky News and they’ll agree.”

Triple J announce hip new breakfast host Alan Jones

NATIONAL |

Youth broadcast station Triple J has today revealed their revamped breakfast show lineup, with a new focus on diversity and balance. Head of Triple J Ita Buttrose announced she is glad to finally see some fresh faced talent being given a shot in the Australian media industry, with young gun Alan Jones taking over the coveted breakfast slot, after he realised the station has no advertisers to boycott him.

“Yea guys, I’m just fully stoked to be able to drop some spicy beats and fire bangers for all the Aussie legends out there,” said the veteran broadcaster during first shift on air. “I’ve been a real fan of the station since it was Single J back in 1923. Anyway that’s enough cheeky bants from me, up now here’s Tame Impala.”

Although an unorthodox choice for the station, representatives say that Alan will bring a diverse set of talents to the role, namely the ability to be handed a fuckload of money from the Liberal Party for absolutely no reason.

“Yea we’re really pumped to have the A dog in our lineup,” announced Triple J’s new head of programming Ray Hadley. “His spicy hot takes and strangely enthusiastic embracement of the youth market is perfect for a station which has been crucially lacking in the 90-100 demographic for the last 20 years.”

“I’ve been dreaming of landing this gig since high school,” explained Alan, “specifically since I was kicked out of a high school for leaving love letters to the students.”

If anyone wishes to contact Alan, his personal text line can be found on the sails of the Opera House.

Jobseeker Mathias Cormann hit with $28 million robodebt bill

NATIONAL |

Unemployed Jobseeker Mathias Cormann has today been placed on suicide watch, after being hit with a $28 million overpayment bill by the broken Robodebt system he helped create after he failed to declare $10 he made in a job he had 30 years ago working at his local Maccas.

“How am I ever going to repay this?” a frantic Cormann asked a disinterested Centrelink worker. “I’m already on government benefits, how do you think I’m going to come up with money to repay thousands of dollars of debt I don’t even owe? What kind of monster would create such a system?”

However, government ministers were unmoved, stating that Cormann should have simply saved some of his previous payments in the expectation that the government might erroneously fine him for thousands of dollars. “Look, I know you don’t have any money, but if you don’t want to pay it the process is quite simple,” explained the designer of the system Scott Morrison. “All you have to do is hire an expensive lawyer and spend years fighting this in court while being chased by debt collectors and having your income frozen, then if the court happens to find that you didn’t actually owe the money then we might give you $300 for your troubles. It’s a completely faultless system.”

Jobseeker Mathias Cormann forced to wait on hold for 8 hours to get Jet refueled by centrelink

NATIONAL |

Unemployed job seeker Mathias Cormann has today announced he finally understands the struggles of the common man, after being forced to sit on hold with centrelink for 8 hours while waiting for his JetKeeper payment to come through.

“No you don’t understand, I was supposed to be paid last week, I’m going to lose my jet if I don’t get the money soon!” a frustrated Cormann was heard shouting down the phone. “What do you mean I was supposed to turn up to a job training seminar this morning? No I didn’t get any messages, wait yes I see it here, it says it was sent at 10am this morning, but the conference was at 8? No wait don’t transfer me! I’ve already been transferred five ti… hello? Oh for god’s sake.”

A frustrated Cormann was then seen sitting by his phone on loudspeaker for the next three hours, before his connection was inexplicably cut. “God what an awful system,” Cormann said, filling out his 8th piece of jobseeker paperwork for the day. “Whoever was responsible for this terrible system should really lose their job.”

Struggling Jobseeker Mathias Cormann forced to choose between paying rent and keeping jet

NATIONAL |

Former Finance Minister and current unemployed job seeker Mathias Cormann has today selflessly skipped breakfast in order to make sure his children have enough food on the table, after realising the millions of dollars the government are giving him to find a job does not stretch far enough to cover rent, food, electricity, and his $4000 an hour jet.

“I guess I could cut back on using the heater,” sighed Cormann as he went through his weekly bills, “plus the kids can get another year out of their school uniforms. Hopefully they won’t mind going without a big Christmas this year, but it’ll be worth it if I can keep the jet to keep applying for jobs in Europe. God knows there’s no jobs here at the moment. Whoever was in charge of the economy in this country really dropped the ball.”

Despite falling on hard times, Cormann says he’s just grateful to live in a country with such a strong security net for the unfortunate. “You know if I lived somewhere like America I’d probably be out on the street by now, without any chance of medical care for my sick two year old,” explain Cormann, “so you have to have a bit of perspective on these things. I’m really fortunate to live in a country where the government is happy to give everyone out of work a free personal jet to fly around the world in looking for a job. You certainly wouldn’t get that in other countries.”

“God, you know in some countries I hear the government even intentionally breaks their social security system so people can’t even claim benefits without jumping through impossible hoops. I’ve heard one country even sends poor people bills for thousands of dollars they don’t owe, just to scare them off claiming benefits, driving some of them to suicide due to the inability to afford to pay the fees or challenge them in court. Could you imagine that? Good thing this government looks out for unemployed people like me, who only made $300,000 last year, isn’t it?”

War Memorial annouces exhibit on the horrors of Channel 7’s SAS

NATIONAL |

The director of the National War Memorial has today announced a new addition to the memorial exhibiting the atrocities committed by our troops in a horrific mission referred to as “SAS: Who Dares Wins”. The director said that it is important to recognise the historical crime against humanity that was the program, as well as the brave sacrifice of the poor people who painfully endured the events they were watching.

“It is important that the War Memorial continues its work as a historical building, and that means exhibiting the worst our troops are capable of.” Said the director who was in shock after spending hours researching who some of the alleged celebrities were, “It is a sad period for the Australian armed forces. Our troops committed cruel and inhumane acts on those poor citizens unfortunate enough to still be watching free-to-air tv for some reason. They allegedly starved the contestants and didn’t even succeed in their mission of bring a show worth watching to the county.”

“It is troubling to think that anyone, especially those trained to fight for us would find any of these actions acceptable, or worse, entertaining shows our country in a very dark light. The idea that anyone would willingly participate in bringing up Shapelle Corby to the nations media is truly daunting. Actions like these not only effect the direct victims of the act, it can be deeply scarring leading to potential prolonged suffering of the nation’s citizens. It can even inspire and encourage the worst of the nation to start talking about her all over again from Today and potentially continuing onwards int to future Sunrises.”

“I fear the hurting might have only begun and if we start as low as this, it is scary to think how bad it could potentially escalate. These actions are surely sanctionable by the UN as this has to be against the Geneva Convention. It should be clear to all Aussie troops doing this sort of behaviour is unacceptable to film and release to the world, they should stick to committing war crimes behind closed doors so that our government can punish anyone who dares speak up.”

Minister for Women Tony Abbott spotted in Scotland giving free tampons to himself

GENERAL NEWS |

Former Minister for Women and guy whose budgie smugglers are always sure to get a reaction from the laddies, Tony Abbott has today been spotted walking around Scotland after apparently deciding to move there following the announcement that the Scottish government will be making period products readily available for free around the country. Scotland has drawn international attention by being the first country to make these crucial products free in order to tackle the growing issue of ‘Period Poverty’ in the year 2020, instead of doing it earlier, like say when experts decided we needed a term for ‘Period Poverty’ for example.

Tony Abbott made a statement to the press earlier today about the move, while standing between two women who are almost managing the impossible task of looking like they want to be there:
“I am proud to make this my new home while I help usher in Brexit. This could help the women of Scotland not waste money that they could be using on a new ironing board. While a long time ago in the past, back in the historic year of 2018, I may have said that removing a luxury items tax on tampons was ‘stupid PC nonsense’ but I am all for this. The support we as a people get from women is truly the bleeding heart of any nation, and this nation has decided to support women with their bleeding unmentionables. Now we hopefully won’t have to discuss such vulgar and shameful things anymore.”

“What the housewives of this nation need to understand as they get their husband his sandwich is that this is a big deal. In order to help out and show my support for women, I have decided to give myself every one of those… umm…. things I have been able to find. This will help women not get stressed out by the idea of having your husband drive you out to get one of these luxuries. Now women, this is sadly not the end of your struggles, but First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has somehow managed to come up with a good idea for helping women’s needs. Now while the idea is good, imagine how much better it would be if a man was in charge around here.”

In response to this Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon spoke out publicly, saying:

“Oh wow, and this is the guy Boris says is not too sexist to represent post-Brexit Britain? Ok well I would just like to say, Boris we want another referendum to leave the UK ASAP! The faster we can ditch you guys, re-join the EU and get this guy the fuck out of our land.”

Kerry Stokes offers to pay for new War Memorial exhibit celebrating war crimes

NATIONAL |

Channel 7 boss and Chair of the board for the Australian War Memorial, Kerry Stokes has today offered to pay for a new exhibit in the memorial in order to celebrate the insane work that our SAS soldiers put into murdering civilians and prisoners in cold blood. While many assume that the controversial $500m expansion to celebrate the wars in the middle east would probably cover the war crimes committed there too, Mr Stokes has revealed it would cost way more to be able to fit in all the acts of our soldiers who “earned our unwavering respect.”

“As the boss of Channel 7, I know how to deal with unbiased facts when it comes to presenting important information to the public.” Said the Millionaire before letting out a laugh that could only be described as maniacal, “My proposal is I will pay for this new expansion but I get the merchandising money. I have already pitched cut-off-hands commemorative key-rings. Also you know the interactive kids role-play area, I have an idea for a thing where the kids play as new soldiers watching over the prisoners and the kid gets to act out the initiation process. It will be something that will be absolutely stunning to all Aussies coming to learn and pay respects.”

“Our troops showed great determination to bring peace to the middle east. And sure allegedly they may have killed some civilians as collateral damage, or sport, but that is part of the fun. I mean day-in-day out they just carry around a gun that they are trained to kill people with and then what, they aren’t supposed to kill people just because they are civilians? They all look the same to me and my news team, maybe they got confused too. Also, with the prisoners of war stuff, that is just creative problem solving by our heroes. Prisoners need to be fed, housed, kept alive, all to be potentially swapped. I mean that sounds like a lot of work, are you telling me you have never cut corners at work to try save a bit of time.”

“Some people have raised concerns that I could somehow bring a conflict of interest to this project, but it’s not like the Chair of the Board could hold any power over the director. If anything I am an asset, only a guy like me could know how to stand up for our brave soldiers. Some might want to paint what they did is ‘horrible’ or ‘inhumane’, but I can bring balance that those people are missing. They don’t even bring up how incredibly brave it is to stand up and choose to blatantly ignore the Geneva Convention for an initiation ritual.”

“Let young people buy houses with super, it’s not like they’ll get to retire anyway” says LNP

NATIONAL |

The LNP have today made a strong push to allow young people to dip into their super, to fund the purchase of a house instead of needlessly wasting it on a retirement they’ll never see anyway.

“If you can’t afford to purchase a house, why would you lazy kids ever consider retiring?” asked a minister currently on a $211,000 salary despite only turning up to work 50 days this year. “Why invest in your future retirement when you can give all your hard earned savings to some Boomer for a dilapidated pile of bricks they bought in the 80s for twenty grand? It’s imperative you all get into the housing market before it’s too late too, I don’t know if you watch the news, but you don’t want to end up in a retirement home. Those places are dangerous. Whoever’s in charge of them should really pick up their game.”

The treasurer Josh Frydenberg also agreed this is a sensible move, stating that millenials buying houses with their retirement savings is exactly the reason super was set up in the first place. “This will help those heroic home owners that just want to make an honest living by buying property and then flipping it, constantly driving up house prices so that poor people will be stuck renting from them forever. We’re really doing what the voters wanted us to do. I mean who doesn’t love landlords? The fact that so many of my colleagues own multiple houses plays no part in this at all.”

“Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? Some kind of widely predicted housing market crash that will leave the next generation not only out of pocket for millions of dollars for a worthless house, but also now without any retirement savings? Actually no that does sound pretty bad. Lucky thing we can rely on bad things never happening in the future hey? Now, where did I put my back in black mug.”

Trump demands recount of his children after Tiffany shows up to dinner

NATIONAL |
President Trump has tonight demanded a recount of his offspring after his alleged daughter Tiffany made a rare and unwelcome appearance at Sunday night dinner at the White House. Tiffany Trump, daughter of Trump’s second wife Marla Maples, has been less frequently glimpsed in public than most members of North Korea’s ruling Kim family.
After briefly mistaking her for a member of staff, Trump brought dinner service to an abrupt halt, demanding Tiffany not be served until she produced a long-form copy of her birth certificate demonstrating him to be her father. “We need to figure out what the hell is going on here,” Mr Trump was quoted as saying. “This whole family is rigged to make me look bad.”
Despite possessing no fewer qualifications than any of her siblings, Tiffany Trump had not been entrusted with any sensitive offices of state, let alone be permitted to appear with her father during his “successful” re-election campaign. Younger brother Barron Trump, 14, has meanwhile been touted as the administration’s new special envoy to Syria.
President Trump has also refused to undertake a paternity test to finally settle the matter, observing that “the more tests they do, the more children they are going to find”, and that he was happy with the size of his family the way it was.
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