In a revolutionary discovery, Sky News has proven that television can reverse Darwin’s theory of evolution. Representatives of the company have confirmed that in an Australia wide experiment, Sky were able to revert 100% of all regular viewers to Neanderthals.

“It’s perfect,” host Andrew Bolt said, “without opposable thumbs they can’t ever change the channel.”

“Turns out a steady diet of outrage, coal and cancel culture isn’t sustainable,” said archeologist Gavin Fakename. “But this is the first time we’ve seen an unhealthy diet actually bring a species back from the dead. We haven’t seen humans this un-evolved since channel 7 cast a drug smuggler on Dancing With The Stars.”

Researchers are also excited to investigate the origins of speech – with the devolved hominids being a perfect example of how early communication evolved. “They don’t really speak so much as communicate in cries of ‘cancel culture’ and ‘Labor bad’,” says Gavin. “We’re yet to see anything that actually resembles intelligent communication, but their chants of ‘eat fairy bread to own the left’ are the perfect examples of toddler like nonsense babbling that could be some kind of primitive language we simply can’t understand.”

Teachers and high school students around the country have been left in a state of shock after watching the Morrison government’s newly released consent education videos today. The videos which are part of an education package aimed at Year 10 and above students which includes production aimed at toddlers, spear fishing sharks, a dance break, tacos, a ‘maybe zone’ for consent, comparing buying unwanted pizza to sexual assault and a villainous woman who tricks her partner by smearing a milkshake on his face. The videos have been described by experts as being ‘inaccurate’, ‘confusing’ and ‘I did not consent to this’.

“How did these videos manage to be worse than I assumed they would be?” asked one teacher trying to unpack what they just witnessed. “What even was that? I think my students understood consent better before learning this new system.”

“I can’t even tell how inaccurate it is because I can’t tell what it’s trying to say. Why were they just hanging out getting a tan and the boyfriend just happened to have a spear gun with him? Why was no-one dealing with the girl who was clearly possessed by some sort of demon into feeling like she needed to rub ice-cream on his face? Who the hell thinks teenagers go in milkshake dates in 2021?”

“I asked my class if they had any questions after watching the videos and they all put their hands up. The first question was ‘Miss, what the fuck was that?’ and I just let it slide because it seemed like the appropriate response to the video.”

The Australian Olympics Committee has decided to send Australia’s only vaccinated Olympian, Jan, 71, to Tokyo this year, after a botched vaccine rollout saw every other athlete barred from the event.

“Jan is Australia’s oldest, and now only, professional synchronised swimmer,” said AOC CEO Matt Carroll. “It’s exciting for us to be able to provide an opportunity like this to an athlete in an often-overlooked age bracket and we look forward to the wisdom and long, rambling tales about times before TV that Jan can contribute to the team.”

While the government has not stated their opposition to vaccinating the rest of Australia’s Olympic team, they were unable to confirm that there were 2000 vaccines in the country.

While most of Australia’s athletes have expressed dismay at the decision, Jan could not be more excited. “I’m just so happy I can finally take my 5 minute aquatic tribute to Karl Stefanovic international,” said Jan. “Plus I heard the parties in the athletes village can be quite the experience, so I’ve brought a travel bag full of condoms just in case.”

News Corporation has today dropped any and all reports into the sexual assaults taking place in our nation’s capital, after being given a tipoff that the word ‘gullible’ had been taken out of the dictionary.

“This is just another example of cancel culture gone mad,” blasted all 12 News Corp mastheads and talkback hosts in unison. “What has this country come to when ever words are being removed from the dictionary for presumably being racist or something we didn’t actually bother to check but it feels true so we’re just going to report on it and hope for the best.”

“Sure the last time we went from our gut it turned out the Mr Potato Head story was false. Oh and the one about the terms ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ being banned was made up too. And yes the story about Lola Bunny getting redesigned actually turned out to be based on a picture that wasn’t even from the movie. And yea there was that one time we accidentally claimed that Dr Seuss’s books were being banned when it only turned out one or two that nobody had heard of were being removed from sale on Amazon. Oh yea we also made up that story about the ‘McFish’ being banned, turns out it never existed in the first place. Fairy Penguins were already more commonly known as Little Penguins before the alleged name change. Saying Merry Christmas hasn’t been banned. Paw patrol didn’t get the Axe. Bluey still exists. Hey Hey It’s Saturday couldn’t get cancelled because it already got canned, twice. Oh and we also fell for that fairy bread story. But we’re sure this time the story is true.”

Informed that the word gullible was still in every dictionary, and they had fallen for yet another blatantly obvious spoof story, News Corp journalists everywhere said it was an honest mistake that they will learn from, before racing off to cover a tipoff that milk was about to be banned from shop shelves for being too white.

Authorities have released a mental health warning after disturbing images emerged of prime minister who is so full of shit it was once overflowing, Scott Morrison after took his ‘hey no look over here’ method of leadership during a crisis to a new low, by dancing around in a high vis shirt to the song ‘Working Class Man’. Experts are extremely worried about employees at Engadine McDonalds in particular after multiple employees suffered terrible flashbacks triggered by the horrific dancing.

“Oh god, not again,” said one employee who instinctively grabbed a mop out of anxiety, “please no. I don’t want to have to deal with any more shit. Oh wait he isn’t here, right yeah. I think I am going to need a few minutes. The last thing anyone has the energy to deal with is Scott Morrison’s shit, but for us it is a very literal concern.”

“Here we consider him our Vietnam. Whether you worked here at the time or not, you are scared, the fear lives on through generations of Maccas employees. Seeing him dance like that has me shaken up. He was dancing like no-one was watching, for a publicity stunt, in high-vis. Who would want Australia to see moves like that. It doesn’t make sense unless it was an attempt to intentionally trigger us, I wouldn’t put it past him. It even feels like I can already smell the shit.”

Reports say a wellness check has also begun for all members of 101 Doll Squadron who performed recently the recent launch of a naval vessel with concerns that the group that have been attacked by the media and members of parliament for doing a dance-hall routine they were hired to do, may find the footage of the dancing deeply offensive both on a professional level as dancers and as people who can see things. This after some onlookers described the dancing as ‘inappropriate’ and ‘an affront to basic human decency’, and one ABC editor was hospitalised after he begun editing the footage into a twerking compilation.

Experts have called for any Australians disturbed by the footage to seek professional help with any issues caused by Morrison’s dancing which many consider ‘bad even for a daggy dad’.