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15 year old burger flipper excited to add “White House Chef” to CV

WORLD |

Local burger flipper and part time head of White House catering José Rodrigo has today been awarded the medal of freedom by President Trump, in honor of services to the nation, after the 15 year old MacDonalds employee single-handedly catered an entire White House banquet, complete with a side of fries and Coke.

“José has today demonstrated just how productive and innovative American workers can be when given the opportunity,” explained Trump to gathered press. “That’s why I’ve shut down the government, so we can ensure that red-blooded Americans like José here don’t have their jobs taken by evil Mexicans trying to come over here and steal our jobs.”

However, José has expressed surprise at Mr Trump’s characterisation, given his status as a temporary migrant from Mexico. “I don’t think Mr Trump realises what demographic makes up the burger flippers at MacDonalds. Basically the Venn diagram of people he’s trying to keep out and people he’s complimenting here is a circle.”

“In fact Mr Trump was so impressed by my work that he offered me a job as his Chief of Staff,” explained a confused José. “I don’t know what that job is but after years of dealing with stubborn, idiotic, pig headed members of the public at MacDonalds, I’m pretty sure I’m perfectly qualified for the job.”

“The only problem is that Mr Trump said I’d need to be fluent in Russian. I can’t imagine why.”

New law forces property developers to indicate if building ‘may fall down’ on listings

GENERAL NEWS |

Property developers all around Sydney are feeling the pinch after new reforms were brought in to clean up the industry. Starting next week, all new buildings listed must indicate if the structure ‘may fall down’ or if they are ‘safe for human occupation’. Ken Scarletti, a developer from Alexandria, unloaded on the state government after the new regulations were announced.

“I don’t think these bureaucrats are going to be happy until they’ve squeezed every last drop out of us” said Ken

“Ever since they brought in mandatory fire escapes, it’s just been one bloody thing after another. You have to leave some meat on the bone for us”

Despite the state government crackdown, the law has done little to slow the interest in apartments incompatible with stability. First home buyers and investors alike have flooded at the chance of enjoying any type of saving on an actual property.

“We understand the warnings, but at the end of the day you’ve got to do what you can to get in the market” shared one young couple

“I mean, even if it falls over, it’ll still be there. It’s not going to fly away and disappear, like all this money I’m paying on rent”

Mueller begs White House to stop committing crimes so he can wrap up his investigation

WORLD |

The FBI Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has pleaded with Trump aides to pause all corrupt and criminal dealings to allow him time to work through the backlog of crimes that they’ve already committed.

“What I’m asking is for anyone close to Trump to stop breaking the law just for a week or two, so I can get onto of all the crimes that have already been committed,” Mr Mueller said.

Mr Mueller said that if he didn’t get a repreive, he doubted he would ever be able to release his report into Donald Trump’s relationship with Russia. “I mean, I feel like I’m getting further away from the conclusion every time I open my Twitter feed.”

Mr Mueller said it was having a genuine impact on his enthusiasm for bringing down the President. “I took this case on because it was a simple open and shut case of treason. But there are just so many other, extra crimes, it’s becoming a real bore. I get to work each morning, and no matter how many charges I file, there are always more to file by the end of the day.”

The plea comes just hours after it was revealed President Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, had asked the head of a $100 billion Qatari investment fund for money to pass on to members of the Trump family.

But insiders say it’s unlikely Trump and his aides will take notice of Mueller’s plea. “It’s actually a brilliant legal strategy, to outrun a prosecutor by swamping him in more and more crimes,” Trump’s current legal counsel Rudy Giuliani told Sean Hannity. “Oh. Wait, did I say, that? I didn’t say that. I meant it’s a brilliant legal strategy to be innocent of all crimes. That’s what I meant.”

Family driving back from holiday ready to unleash 16 year old on highway

NATIONAL |

An L-plater driver from Sydney’s Northern Beaches has reluctantly found themselves in the hotseat whilst driving back from their Central Coast holiday. Jordan Spriggs, who had just completed year 10, was unanimously voted to guide the 2 tonne SUV down the highway after a relaxing trip away.

“Well, he has to get his hours up somehow. I think it’s something ridiculous like 120 now?” Said his father Rob

“I figure, everyone’s coming home from holidays, they’re all relaxed. It’s probably the safest time to be on the road”

Jordan explained that he didn’t share his father’s enthusiasm, after receiving abuse from several other motorists

“Everyone was sleeping or listening to podcasts, I was the only one who could hear the screaming” told Jordan

“People were yelling names and telling me what to do, I felt like I was playing Fortnite”

Moro Bars prepare for months-long stay in back of fridge

NATIONAL |

STUCK at the bottom of a bowl of Cadbury Favourites, unloved by young and old alike, three Moro Bars have laid out their plans for a months-long stay in the back of a South Melbourne refrigerator.

“Christmas always starts off nicely,” said the ringleader. “I can’t help but smile wryly as those smug Flake bastards get devoured within minutes.”

“But then it gets to 3.30pm and you’re still hanging around, slowly melting, being randomly fingered before being put straight back. Even the sugar-loaded toddlers and smashed uncles won’t go for us for some reason.”

“It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when you’re the last one in the bowl, especially after Nan has come and taken all of the Turkish Delight.”

“I mean, seriously, we’re pretty much just a no-name Mars bar, and those things are freaking beloved! What more can we do? It’s time for a change.”

The Moros went on to lay out their manifesto for the long, cold months ahead, and their plans to make a name for themselves as more than a last resort or drunken mistake.

“If we can just last until Easter, reinforcements will surely arrive. Then we can start making some serious moves towards freedom and the recognition we deserve.”

“First the vegetable crisper, then the cheese drawer – then the world!”

Dyslexic child stays up on Christmas Eve waiting for Satan

WORLD |

Local parents Mark and Irene Butler report they were “shocked and alarmed” to hear their five year old son Bobby announce he will be staying up tonight in the hope of meeting Satan, declaring they were previously unaware that he is either dyslexic or a member of the occult.

Seeking to clarify whether Bobby was simply confused or required immediate attention by a priest, Mark and Irene attempted to get Bobby to describe the man he was hoping to see. However, Bobby’s response that he was waiting “for the sounds of hooves on the roof, followed by the appearance of a magic red man who laughs a lot and punishes bad kids” did little to put their minds at ease.

Being modern parents Mark and Irene have decided they will try to accept Bobby for who he is, and they will strive to be open to the possibility that their son may be channelling the dark lord of the underworld in his sleep. “At first we considered trying to correct him and put him on a less evil path,” says Mark, “but in the end we decided to just let it be. We wouldn’t want to infringe on his freedom of religion.”

“Plus, when push comes to shove, it doesn’t really matter whether he thinks it’s Satan or Santa that brings him gifts,” added Irene. “After all sooner or later he’s going to come to his senses and realise that the whole Bible thing is just a fairy tale made up to trick kids into being good to get rewards. You can’t stay young and gullible forever.”

Family Christmas cancelled after argument about whether it’s Yanni or Laurel Wreath

WORLD |

Hospitals across the country have been flooded this holiday season, in what is being described as “the worst outbreak of seasonal mondegreen based arguments since Christmas crackers included a joke using the word ‘forehead’ in 1994.”

Just like then, doctors are reporting numerous patients coming to them with injuries resulting from altercations
among family members over the pronunciation of words. “This year it seems to be yanny wreaths that are causing all the hubbub.” said local hospital surgeon Dr Siobhan Saoirse before being corrected by nearby oncologist Dr Sean Johnston, who was certain that it had always been pronounced “laurel wreath”.

The influx of patients couldn’t have come at a worse time for the nation’s hospitals, with the medical system already under intense strain from those who sustained injuries from arguing about whether a Santa should be “gender neutral”.

“We’ve seen a lot of people coming in due to that particular news story,” said one stressed nurse, “not because of fights mind you, god no there were like 3 people max arguing for a gender neutral santa and even they were barely convinced by their own arguments. No, all the injuries we’re seeing are entirely self inflicted, people who made angry posts about “PC culture gone mad” on Facebook before family members pointed out it was an entirely made up story by Fox News to fish for angry clicks and nobody is seriously waging any kind of ‘War on Christmas’. We just forward all those people on to the self-burns unit.”

Hungry Jacks $4 internships to provide youth with valuable experience in getting fucked over by large corporations

NATIONAL |

Hungry Jacks has today justified their controversial decision to offer internships that would be largely funded by taxpayer money, by pointing out that these jobs would provide the youth of today with valuable experience in the field of getting fucked over by a multi-national corporation, which is essential in today’s job market.

“Whether they continue on with the Hungry Jacks family, or decide to pursue a different path in say the tech sector, or working in finance, retail, or media, we guarantee that every intern that comes through our doors will find the exact same ruthless money oriented corporate structure at any of today’s major employers. And the fact that you’ve already been exploited by one well recognised chain will be music to any recruiter’s ears, believe you me. Normally these companies would have to spend months indoctrinating new staff into believing having a table tennis table and free M&Ms in the office is a suitable substitute to paid sick leave.”

The Morrison government has also defended the internship programme, pointing out that it was fulfilling its promise to provide young people with the opportunity to find jobs in fields where they normally couldn’t. “There once was a time where Hungry Jacks would only accept the best of the best,” explained Morrison, “but now, thanks to millions of dollars of Australian taxpayer money, every kid will have the opportunity to work as a burger flipper at a fast-food chain restaurant as their first job.”

“Ask anyone in economics, and they’ll agree, the thing the youth of today need most is more qualifications and lower wages,” continued Morrison. “I mean, it’s not like young people are facing an unprecedented combination of stagnant wages, skyrocketing costs of living, ballooning education costs, and impossibly high real-estate entry prices. We’re certainly not living in an age where young people are having to fork out a significant percentage of their incomes to super while also being expected to shoulder the costs that come with the privatisation of previously public utilities that were sold off to pay for the pensions of a growing number of baby boomers whose retirement will be significantly government funded and whose medical costs are already blowing out the price of private health insurance which the government is forcing young people into purchasing through tax hikes while simultaneously refusing to remove tax incentives for negative gearing which is disproportionately exploited by elderly wealthy people who grew up during a time where tertiary education was free and property was affordable to all. No, that would be ludicrous.”

“Rest assured this government of trust fund backed ex-Private school graduates whose closest idea of work experience was the three years they spent at their father’s law firm will not be addressing any of these issues and will remain 100% focused on giving away free money to burger chains. No need to thank us all at once kids.”

Everyone now understands why George Christensen opposed safe schools

NATIONAL |

The entire Australian public has breathed a collective sigh of realisation following the revelation that George Christensen has been linked to sex tourism allegations in Asia.

George Christensen has long voiced his opposition to safe schools.

Christensen called for Australia to return to less safe schools, which he much prefers.

The federal government MP has been a long-standing advocate of not having safe schools, and said he’d much prefer it if Australia didn’t have any safe schools at all.

 

Office conversation spiced up by slightly inclement weather

NATIONAL |

An accounting firm in the CBD has experienced a rather unorthodox day of operations today, after it was found to have mildly drizzled during the morning commute. Employees across the city were reported to be in celebration after finally finding something uncontroversial yet relatable that they can discuss with their with everyone they made eye contact with on the way to the break room.

“Bit wet out there!” declared Jason, a bookkeeper known for very little.

“Haha, it’s ridiculous isn’t it? Lucky I got the washing in yesterday!” replied Melody the receptionist, before awkwardly smiling and looking down at her coffee cup, having exhausted all her wet weather material for the day.

It was reported that such enthusiastic observations carried on well in to the day as little changed outside. Quieter members of the firm were even found to have a new zest as the shared experience finally gave them an opener.

“Think it’ll stop before knock off? Don’t really want to be caught in it,” remarked office drone Shane.

“Oh, who knows!” replied office matriarch Jo enthusiastically.

Jo was later heard stating that she had no idea who that man was.

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