LATEST
POPULAR

Byron Bay worried that influencers will hurt their reputation as anti-vax narcissists

ENTERTAINMENT |

Residents of Byron Bay have continued their protest against Netflix as the company pushes ahead with its new reality show in the area called Byron Baes.

The show is said to be done in Georgie Shore style and like most of those shows is casting people who do not currently live in the town but are familiar with it and willing to move there. This has lead to outrage from Byron Bay locals who are worried that the show will ‘hurt the town’s reputation’.

“Netflix will make our town look like an international punchline,” said ‘full time aspiring Instagram model’ James Dumbie who lives in the town which is already a national punchline.

The last time the town came together for protests of this magnitude was when a doctor suggested vaccinating a child.

“Experts claim the investment in the area will be good for business but experts also claim 5G towers don’t cause the coronavirus so they don’t know anything. I am worried the Instagram Influencers in the cast aren’t nearly obsessed with themselves enough to fit in here.”

“There aren’t any crystals that can heal the damage Netflix will cause,” claimed Crystal Healy, a local crystal meth dealer who is quite popular in the area, “and crystals can do just about anything. Forget global poverty and genocide. This television production is the worst thing to ever happen ever.”

Sky News successfully debunks evolution by turning audience into Neanderthals

GENERAL NEWS |

In a revolutionary discovery, Sky News has proven that television can reverse Darwin’s theory of evolution. Representatives of the company have confirmed that in an Australia wide experiment, Sky were able to revert 100% of all regular viewers to Neanderthals.

“It’s perfect,” host Andrew Bolt said, “without opposable thumbs they can’t ever change the channel.”

“Turns out a steady diet of outrage, coal and cancel culture isn’t sustainable,” said archeologist Gavin Fakename. “But this is the first time we’ve seen an unhealthy diet actually bring a species back from the dead. We haven’t seen humans this un-evolved since channel 7 cast a drug smuggler on Dancing With The Stars.”

Researchers are also excited to investigate the origins of speech – with the devolved hominids being a perfect example of how early communication evolved. “They don’t really speak so much as communicate in cries of ‘cancel culture’ and ‘Labor bad’,” says Gavin. “We’re yet to see anything that actually resembles intelligent communication, but their chants of ‘eat fairy bread to own the left’ are the perfect examples of toddler like nonsense babbling that could be some kind of primitive language we simply can’t understand.”

Local man now very clear about not sexually assaulting milkshakes

GENERAL NEWS |

Teachers and high school students around the country have been left in a state of shock after watching the Morrison government’s newly released consent education videos today. The videos which are part of an education package aimed at Year 10 and above students which includes production aimed at toddlers, spear fishing sharks, a dance break, tacos, a ‘maybe zone’ for consent, comparing buying unwanted pizza to sexual assault and a villainous woman who tricks her partner by smearing a milkshake on his face. The videos have been described by experts as being ‘inaccurate’, ‘confusing’ and ‘I did not consent to this’.

“How did these videos manage to be worse than I assumed they would be?” asked one teacher trying to unpack what they just witnessed. “What even was that? I think my students understood consent better before learning this new system.”

“I can’t even tell how inaccurate it is because I can’t tell what it’s trying to say. Why were they just hanging out getting a tan and the boyfriend just happened to have a spear gun with him? Why was no-one dealing with the girl who was clearly possessed by some sort of demon into feeling like she needed to rub ice-cream on his face? Who the hell thinks teenagers go in milkshake dates in 2021?”

“I asked my class if they had any questions after watching the videos and they all put their hands up. The first question was ‘Miss, what the fuck was that?’ and I just let it slide because it seemed like the appropriate response to the video.”

Labor announces ‘net zero standing in the way of coal by 2050’

NATIONAL |

The Australian Labor Party has clarified its climate stance after many voters were confused by its ‘net zero by 2050’. Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese said net zero does not refer to ‘net zero emissions’ but instead means ‘net zero standing in the way of coal by 2050’.

“Voters please remember we are the middle ground on this whole ‘acting on climate change’ thing,” claimed Albanese despite polling data that shows the vast majority of Australians think we should take serious action in regards to climate change, “we understand not everyone agrees with stopping climate change. Climate change, like all things, has pros and cons. We know that and we know that a small percentage of Australian voters are pro-climate inaction and they want someone they can vote for.”

“Australia’s economy and place in the world needs coal,” he claimed despite all of Australia’s allies and trade partners considering economic and political punishment for our climate inaction, “coal fuels us. You see what they lack in paying tax, they make up for in political donations. As our slogan suggests, ‘we are on the side of all Australians’ and that includes those with the last name Rinehart.”

“We are committed to not showing any commitment to this issue, its something almost all politicians can get behind. Our plan to do nothing about doesn’t just stop at 2050, it is only a target. Rest assured we plan to let coal companies start new mines after 2050 too. So we need all Aussies to come together and help out these poor little mining magnates, we are going to need a lot more paper straws if we are going to offset this carbon.”

Queen farewells Prince Philip by returning to Reptilian form and devouring him whole

NEWS |

There were moving scenes at St George’s Chapel today as the royal family gathered to say goodbye to the Queen’s longest serving and perhaps favourite subordinate, Prince Philip.

In line with royal tradition, after the formalities and platitudes had been completed, guests witnessed the completion of a centuries-old ritual that saw HRM shed her human mask, return to her original reptilian form and devour her late husband whole, like an anaconda.

Royal experts and news.com.au reporters alike believe the consort’s remaining life force will ensure the Queen lives for ‘at least another 50 years’, much to the chagrin of Prince Charles.

“It was remarkable,” said Piers Morgan, found hiding behind an altar in the apse of the Chapel.

“The way the Queen was able to dislocate her jaw and work her way up her husband, while the rest of the attendees sang that ‘I’m being swallowed by a Boa Constrictor’ song, was haunting. It really brought everyone together, even William and Harry put their differences aside. I thought it would take an hour but he was gone within 10 minutes.

“It was all class, and exactly what you’d expect. I’m glad Meghan wasn’t here.”

Australia in trouble after learning they can only send vaccinated athletes to Olympics

GENERAL NEWS |

The Australian Olympics Committee has decided to send Australia’s only vaccinated Olympian, Jan, 71, to Tokyo this year, after a botched vaccine rollout saw every other athlete barred from the event.

“Jan is Australia’s oldest, and now only, professional synchronised swimmer,” said AOC CEO Matt Carroll. “It’s exciting for us to be able to provide an opportunity like this to an athlete in an often-overlooked age bracket and we look forward to the wisdom and long, rambling tales about times before TV that Jan can contribute to the team.”

While the government has not stated their opposition to vaccinating the rest of Australia’s Olympic team, they were unable to confirm that there were 2000 vaccines in the country.

While most of Australia’s athletes have expressed dismay at the decision, Jan could not be more excited. “I’m just so happy I can finally take my 5 minute aquatic tribute to Karl Stefanovic international,” said Jan. “Plus I heard the parties in the athletes village can be quite the experience, so I’ve brought a travel bag full of condoms just in case.”

News Corp outraged after tipoff ‘gullible’ has been taken out of dictionary

GENERAL NEWS |

News Corporation has today dropped any and all reports into the sexual assaults taking place in our nation’s capital, after being given a tipoff that the word ‘gullible’ had been taken out of the dictionary.

“This is just another example of cancel culture gone mad,” blasted all 12 News Corp mastheads and talkback hosts in unison. “What has this country come to when ever words are being removed from the dictionary for presumably being racist or something we didn’t actually bother to check but it feels true so we’re just going to report on it and hope for the best.”

“Sure the last time we went from our gut it turned out the Mr Potato Head story was false. Oh and the one about the terms ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ being banned was made up too. And yes the story about Lola Bunny getting redesigned actually turned out to be based on a picture that wasn’t even from the movie. And yea there was that one time we accidentally claimed that Dr Seuss’s books were being banned when it only turned out one or two that nobody had heard of were being removed from sale on Amazon. Oh yea we also made up that story about the ‘McFish’ being banned, turns out it never existed in the first place. Fairy Penguins were already more commonly known as Little Penguins before the alleged name change. Saying Merry Christmas hasn’t been banned. Paw patrol didn’t get the Axe. Bluey still exists. Hey Hey It’s Saturday couldn’t get cancelled because it already got canned, twice. Oh and we also fell for that fairy bread story. But we’re sure this time the story is true.”

Informed that the word gullible was still in every dictionary, and they had fallen for yet another blatantly obvious spoof story, News Corp journalists everywhere said it was an honest mistake that they will learn from, before racing off to cover a tipoff that milk was about to be banned from shop shelves for being too white.

Engadine Maccas suffers flashback after disturbing image of PM squatting emerges

GENERAL NEWS |

Authorities have released a mental health warning after disturbing images emerged of prime minister who is so full of shit it was once overflowing, Scott Morrison after took his ‘hey no look over here’ method of leadership during a crisis to a new low, by dancing around in a high vis shirt to the song ‘Working Class Man’. Experts are extremely worried about employees at Engadine McDonalds in particular after multiple employees suffered terrible flashbacks triggered by the horrific dancing.

“Oh god, not again,” said one employee who instinctively grabbed a mop out of anxiety, “please no. I don’t want to have to deal with any more shit. Oh wait he isn’t here, right yeah. I think I am going to need a few minutes. The last thing anyone has the energy to deal with is Scott Morrison’s shit, but for us it is a very literal concern.”

“Here we consider him our Vietnam. Whether you worked here at the time or not, you are scared, the fear lives on through generations of Maccas employees. Seeing him dance like that has me shaken up. He was dancing like no-one was watching, for a publicity stunt, in high-vis. Who would want Australia to see moves like that. It doesn’t make sense unless it was an attempt to intentionally trigger us, I wouldn’t put it past him. It even feels like I can already smell the shit.”

Reports say a wellness check has also begun for all members of 101 Doll Squadron who performed recently the recent launch of a naval vessel with concerns that the group that have been attacked by the media and members of parliament for doing a dance-hall routine they were hired to do, may find the footage of the dancing deeply offensive both on a professional level as dancers and as people who can see things. This after some onlookers described the dancing as ‘inappropriate’ and ‘an affront to basic human decency’, and one ABC editor was hospitalised after he begun editing the footage into a twerking compilation.

Experts have called for any Australians disturbed by the footage to seek professional help with any issues caused by Morrison’s dancing which many consider ‘bad even for a daggy dad’.

We faked a story about Fairy Bread being cancelled, and the media took it hook line and sinker

GENERAL NEWS |

 

“I’m not guilty, but if I say my version of events I’ll sound guilty” says George Floyd’s murderer

WORLD |

Former police officer and current murderer, Derek Chauvin has decided to invoke his 5th amendment rights not to take the stand instead of giving his version of the event for the first time. According to Mr Chauvin’s lawyers he decided to take this route after ‘lengthy discussions’ which lead to the realisation that any version of the event that he gives still makes him sound like a ‘racist murderer’.

“Legally speaking pleading the fifth is not suspicious when no-one has accused you of any other crime,” alleged the murderer’s lawyers, “we are just formulating a defence that involves not defending the actions. Despite what his former superior officers and pretty much everyone else have said about the situation, our client did nothing wrong.  Our client is not guilty, it’s just that if we let him tell his side off the story it will sound like he brutally murdered a black man for no reason and tried to hide it from his superior officers. There is no good that could come from clarifying any of those events which again, he is still allegedly not guilty of.”

“The assertions that this tactic in this circumstance is ‘suspicious’ are just disgusting smears aimed to discredit my client. Also please remember Floyd did drugs sometimes, so are we sure he didn’t deserve to be murdered for being black? I mean, maybe if he didn’t have a tolerance level built up from previous addictions and then lapsed with a non-lethal amount he would have been fine after having his neck crushed for 8 minutes and 46 seconds leaving him unable to breathe. I mean to recovering drug addicts even know how to breathe?”

In response to this announcement people around the world are looking on wondering whether a well formulated case which includes testimonies from his former superior officers and footage of the murder can overcome a defence that is purely just trying to bank on the insane home court advantage racist cops have in the alleged ‘Justice System’.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!