Our letter to the board of Woolworths

Scott Perkins
Chair of Woolworths
1 Woolworths Way
Bella Vista
NSW 2153

Dear Scott,

I’m writing to offer a bit of help following the resignation of your CEO Mr Brad ‘I don’t know’ Banducci.

First up, as a fellow CEO, I’d like to offer my condolences about Nick McKim’s performance in the Senate the other day.

It was totally against the spirit of Australian capitalism to ask tricky questions of a business leader. Do you think Kerry Packer would have put up with that sort of shit? Nick McKim would be at the bottom of the harbor by now if Kerry was still alive.

It was especially egregious given that Woolworths had already followed the traditional process of having their CEO resign right before having to answer for anything they’d done.

As a white man who also never faced any consequences, I’m writing to put my hat in the ring for CEO of Woolworths group (I assume you’ll have people reach out to me with my start date etc). I’m perfect for the job, not only do I not know about the return on equity for Woolworths, I don’t know what it is, period. Try and get that info out of me Senator!

Now that Covid is over and we’re back to living in a plain old cost of living crisis, I have big plans to ensure Woolworths is number 1 across Australia, especially in terms of the number of laws we break.

Instead of being guilty of breaching spam laws more than five million times (2020) I feel we can try for at least 7 or 8 million. (I’ve got a few contacts who can get the entire Optus customer list off the dark web for an absolute steal).

I know there’s been a whole fuss about Brad paying farmers less than it costs for them to produce their food.

My only question is why pay them at all? It’s not like farmers can sell their perishables anywhere else anyway. That’s the whole point of spending decades building a cosy duopoly! We put in the hard work, now let’s reap the harvest (so to speak).

Finally, as CEO I will crack down on the shoplifting of baby formula, which is the most-stolen item in your shops. Clearly, if babies can’t afford food, then they’ve only got themselves to blame.

I’m pretty sure my values are very much aligned with Woolworth’s. How about it? Call me if you want to chat.

Yours sincerely,

Shane Murphy
CEO* of The Chaser
*May have stepped down at time of reading.