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NSW Government finally respond to climate change, announce plans to strip search bushfires

NATIONAL |

After months of hand-wringing and inaction on both bushfire safety and climate change, the NSW government has finally decided to take action in response to the unprecedented bushfires sweeping through the state.

“You know the scene in The Lion King where there’s heaps of buffalos, just absolutely hundreds of buffalos stampeding over Mufasa’s corpse? Imagine that. Except Mufasa is the bushfires and the buffalos are sniffers dogs. We are going to absolutely sniffer dog the shit out of these fires.”

These were the words from a representative for the NSW Government.

It is believed that over 200 police with sniffer dogs are being immediately dispatched to the region as we speak.

“The best way to deal with any crime,” said the government representative “whether it be drug possession, carrying a weapon, or being a 12-year old on public transport, is to force the perpetrator to take its clothes off. So that’s what we plan to do. Strip search the fires.”

We’ve also been told that strict lockout laws will be in force across the region, and that once it hits 10PM, ‘the fires will not be allowed back in’. While this tactic hardly seems appropriate, metaphorically sticking a boot in someone or something’s face is the only approach this regime seems to understand.

We’re not holding our breath that this will work, but put it this way, if they do happen to find a cheeky bag or a Green Mitsubishi near a burning tree somewhere it might actually be the only thing that gets these people to give a shit about climate change.

Barnaby Joyce caught planting flamethrower in Richard di Natale’s garage

NATIONAL |

Dramatic scenes this morning outside of Greens leader Richard Di Natale’s home as a heavy presence of both police and media, as well as several attack helicopters, circled the 50-acre property.

It has come to light that former Nationals leader and Deputy PM, Barnaby Joyce, is being questioned over an incident at the Otway residence.

Apparently eager to desperately support his assertions that ‘the Greens caused the fires in NSW’, including stating that ‘the people that died were probably Greens voters’, despite the LNP (you know, the party that’s actually in power) slashing tens of millions in emergency relief funding and ignoring months of warnings from experts in the lead up, Joyce was caught trying to plant a military-grade M1A1 Flamethrower in Di Natale’s garage.

It is believed that one of Di Natale’s French au pairs stumbled upon Joyce attempting to hide the weapon. The item had been sprinkled in matcha and kale leaves, with a half drunk bottle of Madagascan Plum kombucha, apparently also placed by Joyce to cover his tracks.

She had this to say: “J’allais juste pendre le jean en fil de chanvre de Richard et j’ai trouvé cette chose qui ressemblait à une truite malade avec la tête d’une tomate cachée dans le garage. Il était clairement saoul.”

Despite being caught red-faced and red-handed, literally, Joyce is sticking to his guns on this one. We’d say it seems he’s down the river without a paddle, but there is no river after he sold it off.

PM’s media advisers brainstorm ways to shift blame for bushfires on to Safe Schools, Muslims

NATIONAL |

Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s media advisers have called an emergency meeting this afternoon in response to the bushfires across the country, with the group hoping to brainstorm new ways to deflect blame onto anyone who isn’t in government.

Holed up in an office in the Parliamentary Triangle in Canberra, safely hundreds of kilometres from any real danger, Chief Media Adviser and veteran of the Dark Arts Tomothy Rogers has drawn up a list of several marginalised social outgroups and anti-PC culture-wars scapegoats who might also be suitable targets for vilification.

The list includes ‘Safe Schools gender whisperers’, newly married gay couples and Muslims, although the unemployed, trade union members, ‘recent migrants (except UK)’ and Chinese property investors also rate a mention. The Prime Minister was reported to be furious after the previously agreed-upon strategy to ‘blame the Greens’ didn’t yield the results the government had hoped for.

As the unprecedented fires look set to continue for at least another 24-hour news cycle, it’s uncertain how much longer the current government or the brainstorming session will need to continue.

The Chaser’s Guide to the Australian Legal System

QUARTERLY |

For tens of thousands of years, Australia’s indigenous peoples practiced their own forms of justice, according to their own concepts of law. Across the breadth of the continent, different legal traditions and concepts flourished, honed and refined over millennia. Many of these customs survive to the present day, and continue to inform the lives of indigenous Australians.

Or, if you’re a conservative, Australia’s legal history began in 1788 with the arrival of the First Fleet.

Australia has a long and proud legal tradition, which represents the finest ideals of our nation. From the earliest days of British colonisation, when governors were vested with almost dictatorial powers to do as they liked, through to the establishment of the first courts which boldly blazed new trails by doing whatever English courts already did, to the present day with our extremely patriotic rates of indigenous over-incarceration.

In the 21st century, the justice system has kept pace with modern mores. Visit any courthouse in the nation and you will see highly trained professionals putting on robes like they’re Harry Potter extras. If you’re especially lucky, you might even get a glimpse of a portly middle-aged man,in a curly wig, berating a rape victim for drinking too much, while a room full of people watches on silently.

Going to Court
Navigating the legal system can be challenging from the outside. There are many tricky and overly technical terms such as writs of summons, forum non conveniens and guilty. To help with this problem, many people choose to retain the services of a lawyer, who is essentially someone you pay to break bad news to you.

Lawyers in Australia are divided between solicitors and barristers. One of them does the work outside of court while the other does the work on their tax planning. Then they might employ even more people like a Senior Counsel. This is sometimes called a Queen’s Counsel, because some Liberal Party politicians still have delusions that Australia is still part of the Mother Country.

A Senior Counsel is sometimes referred to as a silk because of their silky soft skin, which comes from decades of avoiding manual labour.

So now you have all 18 of your lawyers briefed, paid and ready to go. You can sit back and wait several years for the litigation to resolve itself. Justice is served.

Hierarchy of Courts
Here is a list of all of Australia’s courts, from lowest to highest:

This article originally appeared in The Chaser’s Guide to Australia (CQ#4): buy it here. 

“This is not the time to discuss climate change” says government while changing law to help coal mine approvals

NATIONAL |

The NSW government has today declared that it is “not the appropriate time” to get political about the bushfires, stating we should all wait until everybody’s forgotten about the real and present danger of climate change before broaching the topic.

“Lets all take a moment to catch our breath,” said Premier Berejiklian, “this is not the time to discuss the climate. If anything, this is the time to be passing laws that help make it easier to approve coalmines without the annoying greenies blocking them on the grounds that they will ‘make bushfires worse’. What a load of nonsense. Now on a completely unrelated topic I’m very sad to announce the entire state is on fire.”

Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack agreed with the Premier, stating now is not the time to be pointing fingers and assigning blame. “I’m sick of people trying to politicise this issue while people’s lives are in danger,” said McCormack, “And besides, this is all the fault of those bastard greenies and their left wing politics. They’re the ones to blame for this.”

“Australia has always had bushfires” says guy apparently under the impression that 54 fires in November is normal

GENERAL NEWS |

Local day drinker and hobby historian Pat English has today solved the bushfire crisis by helpfully pointing out Australia has always had bushfires on his friend’s facebook feed. Responding to concerns by friends that the rapidly increasing fire season is somehow linked to the global rise in temperatures caused by carbon emissions, Pat helpfully explained that Australia has always had bushfires, so everything is perfectly normal.

“Yea nah yea,” said Pat when asked to elaborate, “Like I always remember there being fires, like you remember that big one? Yea, it’s totally normal.”

However, asked to name the last time New South Wales had 54 seperate fires burning in early November or that the entire continent of Australia had zero rainfall for a day, Pat was less confident, admitting that he didn’t have all the facts, and was just speaking about his personal experience. “Yea, look alright, I can’t actually remember last time two states had catastrophic fire warnings, but on the other hand it’s all the Greens fault for banning backburns, I heard that on facebook, so it must be true.”

“Greens are to blame for this” says man who seems to think parties with 1 seat write the law

GENERAL NEWS |

Local gut-feeling holder and part time facebook poster Gus Whatson has today taken to the comment thread of an ABC report to inform journalists that climate change does not in fact exist. “You now what it really it?” he asked, somehow overpowering his spellcheck, “Its those dam greenies! They banned backburning and now everything s on fire!”

When contacted for comment, local Greens parties were shocked at the news, stating they hadn’t realised they actually had a majority of seats in parliament and therefore were able to pass any law they wanted. “Boy, if we’d known that we probably would have implemented a carbon tax years ago, you know before our backburn bans set the country on fire.” said one representative. “Strange though, it seems like a weird thing for us to have passed that particular law through parliament when we have so many policies we’ve never bothered to make law, like fullblown Marxism, as Andrew Bolt keeps telling us we want so badly.”

Asked why they had allowed these backburn bans to pass through parliament unchecked, both the Liberal and Labor party said they were simply overpowered by the three seat the Greens held in parliament. “Look, we really wanted to stop the greens from doing this insane thing” explained Premier Gladys Berejiklian, “but the fact is we only have 48 seats and we’ve only controlled the balance of power for the last 10 years, so we had no choice but to let that law pass, no matter how much we protested.”

Asked for his opinion on the backburn ban, local firefighter Scott Scrub was surprised, stating he had not known a ban was in place. “God, I could have gone to jail!” he said, “Good think all those cuts to the fire services meant we couldn’t do as many of them, and stopped back-burning so close to houses because of the risk of the fires getting out of control. God, could you imagine if someone found out we were still doing backburns every year? We’d be in so much trouble.

Tennis Australia to hold event which will honour and condemn Margaret Court

SPORT |

Tennis Australia has today announced a compromise plan to pay tribute to founding Australian tennis legend Margaret Court in a five star event which will thank Court for her contributions to the sport of Tennis and then ask the awful woman to never contact them again.

“We’d just like to acknowledge Margaret and her wonderful legacy on the field,” said the press statement from the association this afternoon, “but without forgetting Margaret’s equally terrible legacy off the field. Well done Margaret, you utter monster.”

Asked what he thought of honouring Margaret Court, tennis champion Nick Kyrgios said Tennis Australia is “utterly fucked” and he would not bother to show up, though he later clarified he had no idea who Margaret Court is.

Tennis Australia has also revealed plans to name a new tennis venue in Margaret’s honour, revealing the new Tennis Court in east Melbourne, which will be built free of change as an extension to the local LGBT youth centre.

“Climate is only an issue for inner city loony lefties” says politician representing drought ravaged farmlands

GENERAL NEWS |

“The only people that care about climate change are raving hippie lunatics” declared Deputy PM and Nationals-Leader-When-Barnaby-Is-In-The-Naughty-Corner Michael McCormick today, while standing on a makeshift podium assembled with cow skulls and sheep bones.

“I mean, really, no one cares about the land out here in the country. It’s just a big city elitist thing,” he barked as a clump of dust ricocheted and spattered off of his tailored $2000 suit before raining down on the swirling dustbowl of nothing below.

“This is really just an inner city leftie issue. It doesn’t affect rural Australia,” he continued as the sky above him beat a fiery blood orange red while the surrounding country he’s charged with supporting burned to ash before his eyes.

“And really, now is not the time to discuss these issues. I would prefer it if these ‘woke’ city slickers would pick a more appropriate time to discuss the environment,” he complained as various species of native birds, insects, and somehow an emu, fell from the sky around him.

“And.. h… jeez it’s hot. Has anyone got a glass of water? Water.” He desperately motioned to his assistant.

“What do you mean there’s no water?”

Fired McDonalds executive to be replaced with self-serve CEO

GENERAL NEWS |

The McDonalds corporation have today announced a record profit projection, sending shareprices skyrocketing, after the company revealed plans to replace recently fired CEO Steve Easterbrook with a self-serve executive terminal.

“Not having to pay a single middle aged white man $21.8 million a year to sit around and eat powdered donuts turns out to be one of the single best businesses decisions we’ve ever made,” read the company’s latest financial report. “To think all these years we’ve been trying to save costs by paying our checkout teenagers minimum wage when it turns out the real staff costs were all these executive bonuses we’ve been paying for five people to turn up to an air conditioned office every few weeks and look at some powerpoint presentations full of made up phrases like ‘projected cost visualisations’. Can’t believe we never noticed this before.”

Early critics of the new self-serve CEO have also been quickly silenced by the terminal’s glowing performance record so far. Offering a range of four easy-to-select options, from ‘cut staff wages’, to ‘give self bonus’, to ‘release a new burger with a slightly fancier bun and a slice of tomato then charge twice as much’ – the terminal has been praised as accomplishing everything its predecessors have done. and more.

“I’ll admit, at fist I was wary that the machine might not live up to the high standards we expect from our CEOs,” said one fellow board member, “but I was really blown away during our first meeting when it offered us the choice between ‘run a monopoly branded promotion’ or ‘shrink the big mac again’ – that’s the kind of uninovative thinking that you’d normally only get from someone on a $20 million a year salary.”

Asked whether any of these millions of dollars in savings would be passed back to hard working employees as a bonus, the board members all laughed, before using the self serve CEO to give themselves another payrise.

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