Sky News presenter and ‘angry fuckwit’ enthusiast Alan Jones, has put out a statement today in regards to the anti-lockdown protests that were held nation wide today. Mr Jones proved the country is fucked after he expressed joy and gratitude, thanking the protesters for fighting against the brutal ‘far-left’ dictators in charge of Melbourne, Sydney and Queensland obsessed with stopping the coronavirus.
“To everyone who protested against basic health measures I owe you a great deal of thanks,” said Jones in-between rants about racist conspiracy theories, “you have done so much good for this country. I knew something was wrong with all this nonsensical anti-covid bias, ever since I saw more ratings skyrocket when I started telling people not to lockdown or get vaccinated. I am glad to see my hard work pay off.”
“I haven’t been this proud of Sydneysiders since those nice blocks who followed my lead back in Cronulla 16 years ago. When I saw footage of that man punch a police horse in order to fight for the right to spread covid, it well brought a tear to my eye frankly. It proves why we are so much better than those disgusting ‘Black Lives Matter’ terrorists, they are so violent for no good reason.”
“Thank you all for listening to people like me in our fight against the big media. We are just the little guy here at Newscorp and we are here to bring you the truth, occasionally, enough to legally call ourselves the news. So please go out and the spread the message and covid, the longer we are in lockdown the better for our ratings. Shit I mean the shorter we are in lockdown the better for humanity!”
In response a representative for the Coronavirus has also put out a statement thanking the protesters for all the support they gave the virus today.
Ruthless madman Dictator Dan has once again ramped up his conflict with the democratic and peaceful NSW government, after declaring plans to build a wall around the Victorian border with NSW, a wall he claims will be paid for by Sydney.
“When NSW send us their people they aren’t sending their best,” he claimed at a press conference today. “They’re sending Peta Credlin, they’re sending Alan Jones. And some, I guess, are good people. But we can’t take that chance.”
However, concerns are growing among eagle eyed watchers that this may simply be a diversionary tactic to lower NSW’s guard before an eventual invasion.
“We will starve them out by setting up a ring of steel around the city,” Dan told his war room today. “We will force a surrender by capturing their most valuable resource – the elite private school kids. At all costs we must try and avoid taking the roads, they are a death trap. The traffic alone is a nightmare and the layout make no sense. Have you seen a map of Sydney, it looks like a toddler drew it. God knows how Covid ever managed to get out.”
The NSW state government has today called on all other states and territories to do the right thing and hand over their excess stocks of Pfizer vaccine, to ensure that NSW has enough supplies to stop the spread of Covid within their private schools.
“It’s imperative we stop this thing before it starts affecting our rich and affluent,” explained the Premier today. “Locking down the western suburbs is one thing, but if one rich donor in the east is told they can’t hang out at Bondi Junction for a week there’s going to be hell rained on us.”
However, the state has clarified that it won’t only be private schools getting the jab, stating such a thing would be “unconscionable”. “We’ll also be giving Pfizer to Gerry Harvey’s mates,” clarified Gladys. “We’re not monsters after all.”
We ask Queensland’s Acting Premier, Steven Miles, about his boss’ trip to Tokyo, and bid for The Chaser to run the Opening Ceremony for Brisbane 2032. Also, Gabbi Bolt watches Annabel Crabb’s ‘Ms Represented’ and discovers that parliament didn’t have women’s toilets until 1975, and Scott Morrison finally says sorry.
Dog murdered and part time beetroot Barnaby Joyce has today taken a break from organising Home Affairs to pursue a law degree, after being informed that judges frequently bang on desks.
The change of careers comes freshly on the tail of Barnaby’s aborted attempt to become a priest, which which quickly abandoned after the deputy Prime Minister learned that most churches do not in the slightest bit resemble the day to day operations of the Parliamentary Prayer Room.
Mr Joyce is expected to be sworn in as a high court justice later today, with Mr Joyce expected to provide most of the swearing.
Update: Mr Joyce has quit the job after being asked to put on a wig and gown, with the Deputy PM stating that he doesn’t go in for such things
Subprime Minister Scott Morrison has today been forced to apply for JobSeeker after failing to turn up to work for almost a year. The move has been described as “unfortunate but necessary” by the PM, after he was paid only $200,000 last year, barely enough to motivate him to turn up to the office each day.
However, Mr Morrison quickly went off the idea, after he was informed that to be eligible for JobSeeker he would have to apply for at least 3 jobs a week, with the Prime Minister complaining that sounds like far too much work, before being assassinated by a Robodebt dronestrike.
Yesterday Scott Morrison took full responsibility for the vaccine rollout – which was nonetheless other people’s fault. Also, Sami Shah joins us to discuss the Adelaide outbreak, Mark Pesce helps us chart our way through the increasingly depressing numbers, and Bob Katter has fireworks.
Friend of Oprah and sort-of royal family member, Prince Harry has renewed his pleas for privacy by asking everyone to resist all temptation to read his new memoir.
The Prince, who prefers mainly keeping to himself, has reminded everyone of this on his podcast, repeatedly throughout his Netflix doco, during his interview with Oprah and now in his soon to be internationally distributed book about himself.
The memoir is to be released as soon as everyone has finally gotten a chance to stop thinking about Harry and his wife Meghan.
“I appeal to everyone out there to show some compassion and respect my privacy,” Prince Harry said.
“Whatever you do, please do not read this JUICY and EXPLOSIVE new memoir where I spill the beans on everything you want to know about me and more.”
“Absolutely do not buy it from all good book stores for just $49.99, as much as you will enjoy all the jaw-dropping revelations,” Prince Harry pleaded.
Prince Harry also wanted to make it clear that his new memoir will be his final project in the public eye – except for the new 24-hour live-stream of his life launching later this month.
Coal lobbyist and part time Senator Matt Canavan has today moved a motion in the senate to end all plant life, after learning that they run on solar power.
“These selfish, communist plants are taking jobs out of hard working coal mining communities,” said Mr Canavan. “What’s more they’re threatening the food supply by attempting to survive on unpredictable ‘sunlight’ food sources which are only available 12 hours a day.”
Mr Canavan has proposed as a stopgap, that a small natural-gas power plant be attached to every flower and tree, in order to ensure they still can photosynthesise at night time. “Sure they might have ‘bulbs’ to store the energy under the dirt, but what if those bulbs fail? How will we feed the country if this untested and unsustainable ‘solar’ power source disappears tomorrow. I bet none of you have even considered the economic impact if the sun went out tomorrow, destroying all plant life, have you? Typical short sighted greenies, always putting power sources over the health of our natural environment.”
Former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has just made history today, after becoming the first person to become the 553rd person to go to outer space. This moment came after the world’s richest man went through the extremely difficult training process of paying for a rocket to go to space with a tiny percentage of the amount of money he would pay every year in tax if he actually bothered paying tax.
The move has been hailed as as an extraordinary for mankind, who are now only 63 years behind dogkind in our ability to send our members into lower earth orbit.
“This has easily been the most taxing thing I have ever been involved in,” said the $177billionaire after returning to earth, “What a historic moment. Finally we can envision a future where I can store my money, not just offshore but off planet.”
The day was also a momentous occasion for Bezos’s millions of employees, with some saying they were so excited that they couldn’t hold it in and had to resort to peeing in a bottle.