Ruthless madman Dictator Dan has once again ramped up his conflict with the democratic and peaceful NSW government, after declaring plans to build a wall around the Victorian border with NSW, a wall he claims will be paid for by Sydney.

“When NSW send us their people they aren’t sending their best,” he claimed at a press conference today. “They’re sending Peta Credlin, they’re sending Alan Jones. And some, I guess, are good people. But we can’t take that chance.”

However, concerns are growing among eagle eyed watchers that this may simply be a diversionary tactic to lower NSW’s guard before an eventual invasion.

“We will starve them out by setting up a ring of steel around the city,” Dan told his war room today. “We will force a surrender by capturing their most valuable resource – the elite private school kids. At all costs we must try and avoid taking the roads, they are a death trap. The traffic alone is a nightmare and the layout make no sense. Have you seen a map of Sydney, it looks like a toddler drew it. God knows how Covid ever managed to get out.”

The NSW state government has today called on all other states and territories to do the right thing and hand over their excess stocks of Pfizer vaccine, to ensure that NSW has enough supplies to stop the spread of Covid within their private schools.

“It’s imperative we stop this thing before it starts affecting our rich and affluent,” explained the Premier today. “Locking down the western suburbs is one thing, but if one rich donor in the east is told they can’t hang out at Bondi Junction for a week there’s going to be hell rained on us.”

However, the state has clarified that it won’t only be private schools getting the jab, stating such a thing would be “unconscionable”. “We’ll also be giving Pfizer to Gerry Harvey’s mates,” clarified Gladys. “We’re not monsters after all.”

Dog murdered and part time beetroot Barnaby Joyce has today taken a break from organising Home Affairs to pursue a law degree, after being informed that judges frequently bang on desks.

The change of careers comes freshly on the tail of Barnaby’s aborted attempt to become a priest, which which quickly abandoned after the deputy Prime Minister learned that most churches do not in the slightest bit resemble the day to day operations of the Parliamentary Prayer Room.

Mr Joyce is expected to be sworn in as a high court justice later today, with Mr Joyce expected to provide most of the swearing.

Update: Mr Joyce has quit the job after being asked to put on a wig and gown, with the Deputy PM stating that he doesn’t go in for such things

Subprime Minister Scott Morrison has today been forced to apply for JobSeeker after failing to turn up to work for almost a year. The move has been described as “unfortunate but necessary” by the PM, after he was paid only $200,000 last year, barely enough to motivate him to turn up to the office each day.

However, Mr Morrison quickly went off the idea, after he was informed that to be eligible for JobSeeker he would have to apply for at least 3 jobs a week, with the Prime Minister complaining that sounds like far too much work, before being assassinated by a Robodebt dronestrike.

Coal lobbyist and part time Senator Matt Canavan has today moved a motion in the senate to end all plant life, after learning that they run on solar power.

“These selfish, communist plants are taking jobs out of hard working coal mining communities,” said Mr Canavan. “What’s more they’re threatening the food supply by attempting to survive on unpredictable ‘sunlight’ food sources which are only available 12 hours a day.”

Mr Canavan has proposed as a stopgap, that a small natural-gas power plant be attached to every flower and tree, in order to ensure they still can photosynthesise at night time. “Sure they might have ‘bulbs’ to store the energy under the dirt, but what if those bulbs fail? How will we feed the country if this untested and unsustainable ‘solar’ power source disappears tomorrow. I bet none of you have even considered the economic impact if the sun went out tomorrow, destroying all plant life, have you? Typical short sighted greenies, always putting power sources over the health of our natural environment.”