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News Corp journo blasts inner-city latte drinkers, before popping out of inner Sydney office for a cappuccino

GENERAL NEWS |

Local Daily Telegraph ‘journalist’ and pedophile apologist Joe Hipocrit has today slammed the overwhelming influence of ‘inner-city latte sipping socialites’ in the media, before popping out of his office in inner city Sydney to grab a cappacino with a friend at a local cafe.

“Thank god for real salt of the earth reporters like me” said Joe, taking a bite from his macaroon before dusting the frosting from his versache suit, “You know, I once even went all the way to Homebush to report on a story, couldn’t even get 5G reception on my phone, that’s when you know you’re out in the real Australia.”

Asked whether he saw any irony in complaining about inner-city latte drinkers, while working and living in Surry Hills and subsiding on takeaway coffee, Joe said there was a big difference. “You see latte drinkers are the scum of the earth, whereas my frothed coffee has a fine sprinkling of chocolate dust on top of it, which is makes me much more in touch with the common Australian.”

Joe also went on to complain that right-wing voices are too often silenced in Australia. “I’m an outsider you know, always have been. With my daily opinion column in 18 newspapers across Australia, a talkback radio show, and a weekly hour long slot on Sky News, I can’t help but feel that my views are being silenced and censored, especially given someone critised something I wrote the other day on twitter, simply because I refuse to listen to ‘experts’ and ‘scientists’ instead of just going with my gut when it comes to reporting on things.”

“I’m just glad there is still a small corner of the media for my oppressed views to be reported,” Joe continued, “if that small corner happens to be the world’s second largest media conglomerate run by a multi-billionaire family that also happens to own stakes in a major American TV network, owns five Australian TV stations, the Wall Street Journal, has a seat on the Disney board, solely owns Australia’s only major cable-TV network, and controls a majority of the western world’s newspapers, well that’s just a lucky coincidence.”

“Wait a minute, this cappuccino has almond-milk in it! Bloody inner-city lefties, always oppressing me.”

Man carefully arranges bedside novels before big date

NEWS |

A 25-year-old Melbourne student spent more than three hours last night painstakingly choosing which novels to leave beside his bed, by way of impressing his date.

“It was a first date, and I had no idea what she was into,” the young man said. “I mean, do you play it safe and stick to the canon – Austen, Joyce, Flaubert? Or do you take a punt and put out some David Foster Wallace? Or some early lesser-known DeLillo?”

The student said he spent a good 40 minutes fretting over whether to include a book of verse. “I wanted her to know I was across all the poets but – again – it was that fine line between looking well-read and scaring her off with something more modernist than she
usually likes.”

In the end, he struck what he regarded as a sensible balance between the quality mainstream and bibliophile esoterica by displaying a well-thumbed paperpack Camus, a recent Martin Amis and a first edition Dario Fo in translation.

He additionally left lying on the bedroom floor, in a calculatedly messy fashion, copies of The Monthly and the New Yorker magazine. On top of his retro LP player, he casually stacked vinyl records by Nick Cave, Flume and The National. “And some Charles Mingus just to prove I dig jazz too,” he said.

The student revealed that, after all that, his date didn’t end up coming back to his place anyway.

Trudeau checks with staff if he can do blackface now that he’s in a minority

WORLD |

Canadian Prime Minister and pinup model Justin Trudeau has today celebrated his narrow victory in the Canadian federal election, which has seen his party form a minority government in the face of a string of scandals leading up to the election.

“While it may not be the victory we hoped for,” announced Trudeau this afternoon, “we can at least take solace in the fact that as a minority I am now able to wear blackface, or at least I think that’s how it works… oh, okay wait… no I’ve just been told by a staff member that is not the case, well shit, what a terrible day.”

Trudeau also announced that his first action as the newly re-elected Prime Minister would be to telephone former and close friend American President Barack Obama just to double check that black-face is right off the cards. “You know Barack and I have always had a close working relationship, maybe even a friendship,” explained Trudeau, “so if I have a black friend then I’m allowed to… okay wait no, I’ve just been informed by a staff member that it’s still not okay.”

However, despite Trudeau’s backdown, staff members are still on high alert, with many worried what Mr Trudeau has planned for this year’s halloween festivities. “We’ve already had to rule out his ideas of going as a coal miner and a chimney sweep,” explained one frustrated staffer. “I think we’ve finally reached a compromise, though I’m still a little unclear about why he wanted to go as Scarlette Johannson.”

Local man saves crucial seconds by standing in train door while people are trying to get off

GENERAL NEWS |

Local commuter and part time public nuisance John Applebee has today shaved crucial seconds off his attempt to board his train, after successfully pushing his way onto the train while hoards of people were attempting to exit.

“I wasn’t just going to stand there and let all these people off the train first, like some kind of a schmuck,” said John, while blasting music from his phone speaker without headphones, “No, it’s imperative that I get on the train the second the doors open, lest I get left behind or end up running late.”

However, John was later shocked to learn that trains do not, in fact, leave until all passengers have boarded, and that if anything, his consistent attempts to board the train before other passengers have exited is actually slowing down everybody’s trip, including his own. “This is terrible, I had no idea” exclaimed a distraught John, “are you telling me trains are waiting around for all those idiots who stand to the side and let people off first? God, why doesn’t everybody only think about my needs for a change. It’s what I do.”

Suicidal whale constantly frustrated by hippies

NEWS |

An emotionally troubled whale has reportedly had repeated attempts to end his life thwarted following a well-meaning but misguided rescue effort by activists. “Every time I find myself a nice warm beach to grant me sweet relief, I get swamped by bastard with dreadlocks covering me in giant wet sacks,” the depressed cetacean said.

The whale puts his funk down to an acute case of loneliness. “The ocean is a very big place on your own. People keep saying ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’. But sometimes you just get sick of being the only 140,000 kilo mammal in a school of fish. I’m just so alone now that all my friends and family have taken up jobs at seafood restaurants.”

Taking no joy in whale-song, and “unable to face eating even one more lousy ton of krill”, the majestic but melancholy mammal decided to strand himself on a remote beach off the coast of Australia. “I was starting to drift off painlessly,” he says wistfully, “closed my eyes for a moment – and suddenly there’s a hundred volunteers, a bulldozer, a helicopter, and a small fleet of boats pushing me back into the sea. Just thinking about the sheer futility of it all makes me want to die even more.”

Determined to carry through with his plan, the whale then headed for the cooler waters of Antarctica, into the path of a Japanese whaling vessel. But once again his plans proved futile, after an incoming harpoon was intercepted by Bono in an inflatable lifecraft, an event described by music lovers as “fortunate”.

The whale has since resolved to follow Exxon tankers around “for as long as it takes”.

Chaser Video: Independent Journalists are a Threat to Australia’s Security!

VIDEOS |

Daily Telegraph to blank out every future edition due to popular demand

GENERAL NEWS |

Local cat litter manufacturer and voice of the average everyday Aussie billionaire, The Daily Telegraph, has today announced that they will no longer be printing stories on the front page of their paper, following the runaway success of today’s blanked out edition that has been hailed as the ‘most accurate and unbiased Daily Telegraph in almost 30 years’.

Editors at the masthead say the decision was an easy one to make, with sales almost doubling compared to their normal numbers. “It turns out the only thing people like more than our journalism, is a lack of our journalism,” said one editor. “In fact many people have commented how much better their toilet paper is without all the dangerous chemicals in the inks.”

Readers have hailed the new editorial policy, with many subscribers saying the lack of a front page to inform them what to be angry about was a life changing experience. “You know, I woke up this morning, went down to the shops, and not once was I confronted by an asylum seeker trying to steal welfare,” said longtime subscriber and retiree Dorris Whipple. “I didn’t even need my blood pressure pills this morning. It was a real eye opener – can you believe I didn’t even get mugged by a group of no good Lebanese thugs. I’d spent years cooped up inside believing they were everywhere!”

However not everyone is on board with the editorial change, with News Corp’s resident Murdoch vessel Andrew Bolt complaining that it was just another example of right-wing views being silenced in the media. “Without the Daily Telegraph, where else will I be able to air my completely uneducated opinion on topics I have no qualifications to weight in on? Just think of those poor hardworking doctors who need that weekly Daily Telegraph cheque to spew nonsense about trans people’s medical needs despite admitting to never having met a trans person. And what about those 1% of scientists who aren’t convinced about climate change? Where will they get a major daily national voice if not for in a publication owned and run by a multi-billionaire with massive oil and coal investments.”

“God help us if this doesn’t change before the next election rolls around. Where else are Australians supposed to turn to see a self-professed balanced newspaper publishing photoshopped pictures of the Labor party leader as a Nazi on their front page? Can you imagine how it would hurt democracy to have that crucial voice silenced from the public debate? I think if we look at America, we can all agree that we need News Corp’s input in western democracies now more than ever.”

Lazy father gives kids the gist of various bedtime classics

NEWS |

Grant Simmons, a Chatswood father of two, has again delighted his not yet literate children with the general plot line of a series of longwinded childhood literature classics.

Such titles as Cinderella, Matilda and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland were less recounted word for word than generally summarised by Simmons for his unwitting children Layla, 3, and Spencer, 2.

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them – at least until their mid teens, by which point who knows where the world will be,” said Simmons as he whipped through the titles in record time.

“Matilda was very smart but her parents weren’t nice so she played tricks on them; Alice goes down a rabbit hole, meets a couple of friends, they all have a laugh… what more is there to tell?”

Even famously succinct stories such as Where the Wild Things Are weren’t spared his treatment,

“Max was naughty, missed his dinner, so he took off on a boat for a bit, met these crazy characters, got a bit sad, came home and BOOM there’s his dinner. Now, off to bed kids. Dad’s got another season of Peaky Blinders to be disappointed by.”

Sydney transport thrown into chaos as trains all arrive on time

NATIONAL |

Transport across the city of Sydney has been thrown into chaos today, after the city’s train network experienced an unexpected on-time arrival at St Peter’s station, confusing commuters, and forcing rail staff to scramble back from their lunch breaks.

“We’re doing everything we can to return trains to their regular lack of schedule,” explained the Transport Minister. “We apologise to those commuters who turned up at the platform 5 minutes late expecting a train to be there, unfortunately this on-time train arrival is just one of those freak accidents that nobody could have predicted.”

However the crisis was quickly averted with the on time train having immedialtely slammed into the back of the train scheduled two hours before it, which was still sitting at the station waiting for passengers to stop running towards the closing doors. The accident is said to have completely shut down the train network, causing an immediate return to business as usual.

The head of Sydney Trains was unable to comment for this piece, as we were unable to hear him over the guy sitting next to him blasting music over his phone speaker.

“Paying staff correct wages is too difficult” says chef who invented edible door knobs

GENERAL NEWS |

Famous millionaire TV star and restaurateur, Cheston Calamari, who is currently being investigated for underpaying hundreds of workers by 12.7 million dollars, spoke to us exclusively from his French provincial mansion in Toorak about just how unfair it was to be expected to compensate workers for their labour.

Calamari is currently working on a few ideas for his bespoke Mexican-Korean fusion chain that names all the dishes after 90s era New York hip hop.

“What people don’t realise is that this stuff is really complicated.” Cheston told us as he triangulated his laser-guided 3D-food printer. He’s recently become the first person on Earth to 3D-print entire burritos using ancient Aztec grains long thought to be extinct. He discovered a way to extract the grains from amber deposits found in the ancient ruins of Tenochtitlán using Buddhist mindfulness techniques.

“Have you used a banking app? They’re really confusing. I don’t like anything complicated. People know that about me.” He muses while putting the finishing touches on a serve of ‘Pash Rules Everything Around Me’, a jalapeno-infused passionfruit ice cream blended from the raw milk of a live Siberian tiger crossed with a Himalayan Mountain Goat. Cheston cross-bred the animal himself.

“I’m just a chef. There’s maths involved. Numbers. Account details. Who has the time?” Calamari exclaims in frustration while taking me through his infamous Frogg Deep dish, where 12 Korean brown frogs are cryogenically frozen at -150 degrees Celsius, deep fried in boiling Adobo, before being ground to a fine powder and served on a glass mirror to be nasally ingested. It’s taken him 7 years and the use of a NASA laboratory to perfect the latter he tells me.

“And I mean, what is a minimum wage really? What is money? What is life? What is anything? Is any of this real?” he ponders while dangling a carrot above a live rat in a cage, inching it ever closer to the rodent’s mouth before yanking it away and laughing.

I ask him what menu item this is for and he simply responds “Oh, this is not for a dish.”

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