General News
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General News
World’s clairvoyants mysteriously unable to see beyond Trump inauguration
“It’s as if a million Mexicans cried out at once, and then nothing.”
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General News
Public really not looking forward to inevitable President Trump sex scandal
American is now coming to terms with the inevitable Trump sex scandal it will have to deal with at some point in the next four years.
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General News
Billionaire dumps millionaire for ‘excessive spending’
“I don’t want your money honey… but it certainly helps”
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General News
Turnbull dreams of one day holding power
PM Malcolm Turnbull spent the entire day today wandering the halls of parliament imagining what it would be like to hold power in Australia.
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General News
Amnesty branch captures and tortures lazy letter writer
GLEBE, Friday: Police are investigating claims that the Glebe branch of Amnesty International has captured and tortured a member whose tardiness in letter writing had become renowned. Members of the letter writing sub-committee have acknowledged that Mr Jeff Wilkins had failed to respond to numerous urgent calls for letters to be written to various governments…
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General News
Nobel Prize introduces ‘Most Improved’ Category
Stung by charges of elitism, The Royal Swedish Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of tradition to award its first award for effort, rather than excellence.
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General News
Foreign Investment Review Board approves sale of Sam Dastyari to China
The Foreign Investment Review Board announced this afternoon that it has approved the sale of Sam Dastyari to China. The purchase came despite desperate attempts by Mr Dastyari to reverse the transaction in recent days. A spokesperson for the buyer said that the purchase was “non-refundable”. Scott Morrison stated, “It is a fair and resourceful…
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General News
Windscreen washer joins millionaire list
After just a year in his new job, John Samuels has added his name to the burgeoning list of enterprising Australians who have made their fortunes by offering partial car-washing facilities in convenient inner city road-side locations. Until the mid-2000s, Australians were only able to attend to the arduous tasking of cleaning windscreens at service…
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General News
Parent-Child bonding fails due to father’s use of word “rad”
A father’s attempt to relate to his teenage son has failed dismally following an embarrassing use of the word ‘rad’. “I thought that I had mastered the teenage lexicon,” said disappointed father Malcolm Carruthers of Carlton, whose question “Did you have a rad day at school?” drew only a look of disgust from his 15-year-old…
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General News
Linguistics Professor googles the definition of irony
A top linguistics professor at Harvard University, David Campbell, did a web search for the “definition of irony” this morning, and then immediately collapsed from the sheer irony of the situation. His co-workers are now reporting that Campbell was last seen “Wandering around the campus looking like he just saw a ghost.” Campbell looked up the definition after one of his…