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Oniongate – How it happened

NATIONAL |

Bunnings stores have banned onions from being on top on the sausage sizzles. Here is a chilling audio documentary about how it all unfolded on one fateful day last September.

(From Radio Chaser. Catch-up with Radio Chaser here)

Video game violence blamed for sudden spike in Stagecoach robberies

GENERAL NEWS |

PARENTS groups are up in arms after an unprecedented increase in stagecoach robbery and hog-tying since the release of Red Dead Redemption 2.

Now little more than a rare sight in parks and the heart of major cities, one stagecoach operator claimed they were ‘sitting ducks’ for scores of adolescents who have ‘swapped their gang colours and baseball caps for Stetsons and kerchiefs across the face’.

“Before, my biggest problem used to be animal rights activists harassing me for cruelty and calling for boycotts and people trying to have sex in the back,” he said.

“Those were the good old days. Now I’m just being robbed frequently.

“Just yesterday a group of kids cut me off on a bridge, hog-tied me and threw me into the river. It was horrible – they were doing the worst accents – claiming my coach would ‘fetch a good price at Emerald Ranch’.

“I don’t know where that is exactly, but if it’s out of the city good luck to them. I’m mainly annoyed because they keep stealing my pelts before I can get them to the trapper.

“Luckily I just sleep for a few hours and it magically returns.”

Parents are also feeling the alleged negative effects of the game at home.

“My son used to just sit in his room playing Grand Theft Auto,” said concerned mother Miriam Blanket.

“Sure, he might have been stealing cars and killing prostitues, but that was all make believe. Now that he’s playing Red Dead, he comes downstairs drinking Bourbon, he’s got a bow and arrow and he’s skinning all the neighbourhood pets. He still insists he’s a good boah, though, whatever that means.

“When I tell him to stop he just storms off calling me ‘such a fucking Micah.’ I should have got him that Spiderman game instead, but then he’d just be spending all his time upstairs shooting white sticky stuff with his hands and he already does that enough. I only just cleaned that sock drawer.”

Chaser Video: Apex security at APEC

VIDEOS |

Check out our other videos for more ASIO attention-grabbing content. 

News Corp editor dies of joy after realising they can use the headline “strawberry needler needled”

NATIONAL |

Citizens across the country have taken to the streets today, to celebrate the end of the reign of fear and terror that has gripped the country since September, with the announcement that authorities have finally apprehended the infamous strawberry tamperer.

News corp editor, champion of the common man, and part time inner-west residing millionaire Chris Trustfund said the news was a momentous day for the Australians – and especially journalists. “When we heard the culprit had been caught, a cheer went up across the newsroom,” laughed Chris. “It finally put an end to our worry that we might never be able to use that headline ‘Strawberry needler needled‘ that’s been sitting idle on the whiteboard for months now.”

“My only regret is we didn’t find an angle to blame the situation on trans kids,” continued Chris, “though I have recently seen compelling evidence that the rise in fruit tampering may be directly correlated with the rise of gender-neutral bathrooms. I mean, do you think it’s a coincidence that this has happened only months after same-sex marriage was legalised? Sure it might be, but it’s hardly my job as a journalist to critically analyse inflammatory claims before broadcasting them to millions of easily influenced readers.”

However it was not all good news for the editors at the Murdoch mouthpiece, with the capture of the strawberry sleuth ending what had been a lucrative story for the newspaper. “Now instead of beating up a story about three needles being found in a supply of over 12 million strawberries, we’re going to have to go back to boring old stories about how the financial sector is defrauding millions of people out of their retirement savings,” sighed Chris. “That’s not why I got into journalism.”

Police have also stated that while they may have found the culprit, the investigation will be ongoing and that a further $5 million will be invested into the anti-fruit tampering department in coming years.

“We’ve learned a lot from this multi-million dollar and month long investigation – gone are the days where we can afford to be naively lax about the safety of our fruit and vegetables,” announced the new head of the government’s new Fruit Force this afternoon, “For all we know this could simply have been one instance in a network of terrorist fruit tampering cells. But the good news is we now have plane clothes officers working in every farm, packing facility and fruit aisle across the country. If anyone thinks they can slip a needle past us, well they probably can, but still – it  sure helps make the government look tough on crime doesn’t it?”

Cash Converters owner impressed at how many TVs one regular customer owns

NEWS |

Melbourne-based Cash Converters owner Dylan Thompson has voiced his admiration for local man, Marcus Bowers, and his impressive collection of electrical goods he sells to Thompson on a weekly basis.

Thompson recently confided in his wife that perhaps he is in the wrong career path after Bowers – a seemingly unemployed ‘exporter importer’ – sold him his fifth flat screen of the week.

“He must live in a mansion. Imagine needing five televisions for your house. You can tell he’s a family man too, always upgrading his kids games, coming in to trade old Xboxs and portable Nintendos.”

“Even though Bowers must be incredibly wealthy he always wears the same set of clothes, it must be a Steve Jobs sort of thing. Absolute genius.”

While Thompson is going through marital troubles he has confirmed that ‘the ladies love Bowers.’

“He doesn’t have a care in the world. Every week he seems to be cashing in a wedding ring from his previous romantic escapade. He must have had 20 marriages since I met him!”

Apart from frequently offloading his old goods, Bowers has improved the business in another way. He advised Thompson to stop advertising during the morning chat shows, a time which Thompson thought would suit mature homeowners.

Instead he is now advertising at the cheaper time slot of 4:30am and has seen an incredible growth in his business, predominately from Bowers’ business associates wishing to offload numerous Xbox 360s and power tools.

“Maybe early morning brainstorming is the trick to becoming the type of multi-millionaire that gets to hang out at the local park all day in your tracksuit. Man, what a life!”

Bowers hasn’t visited the store in several weeks, although Thompson is confident he will return..

“He’s probably just sorting out some sort of top end of town business deal!” says Thompson.

However, other locals report that Bowers is due to face court in a few days regarding allegations of breaking into cars that were parked on a busy main road.

But according to Thompson, “Bowers just had a bit too much to drink and thought it was his own. “He probably has, like, twenty cars.”

The Aussie Guide to Astronomy

QUARTERLY |

For too long astronomy has been left to the experts, such as NASA, who are clearly biased in favour of science. That’s why we asked DARREN FINCH, Jet Ski owner, proud uncle of four and a self described great bloke to give us a complete run down of astronomy including planets, stars, galaxies, comets and any celestial objects that operate outside of the Earth’s atmosphere.

WELL, when it comes down to astronomy I care about the four main stars of the solar system and those four stars that make up the Southern Cross. Those four are the only stars that should be taught in school and the only stars that should be used to guide you through the uncharted wilderness.

The greatest thing about the Southern Cross is that it can only be seen from Australia – mainland Australia – you can’t even see it from Tassie, which proves that Tasmania isn’t really Australia. Point is – can’t see it if you think that a single croissant is enough for breakfast or that kebabs should be eaten sober.

The only citizenship test you should need. If you can’t see the Southern Cross in this image, get out of the country.

Now for the nuts and bolts of the Southern Cross, the four stars that make up the Southern Cross are the top one, the one on the right, the one on the left, and the bottom one. Write that down. It’s important for  anyone interested in astrology or becoming a citizen. If you can’t recognise any of the four stars, it’s a scientific signal that indicates you should go back where you fucking came from.

‘Astronomers’ might try and tell you the ‘actual’ Southern Cross is quite hard to find. Ignore them. If you ever see something that even vaguely looks like the Southern Cross, you’ve got to stop what you’re doing, interrupt the closest conversation to you and point it out to your mates, or strangers. Learning about stars signs should only to be reserved for when you’re trying to sleep with a hippie chick. I’ve learnt from several hippie chicks that I’m an Aquarius. Which sounded great until I found out it was a fucking vase. If I was a horseman with a bow and arrow I might be into it, but I’m a vase so instead I’ve made my personal star sign the Southern Cross.

“The moon faking never happened. I’ve done several hours of research on YouTube, watching many documentaries that will blow your mind.”

When it comes to planets, it’s clear that the Earth is the best one and the only one worth mentioning. The sun, the moon, Jupiter, they can all get fucked. Too hot, too cold and too far away for me to care about them. We’ve never been there and we’ll never get there. The moon faking never happened. I’ve done several hours of research on YouTube, watching many documentaries that will blow your mind. It was all just a political ploy to take advantage of the ignorant and stupid. If you look closely at the landing video, the flag is blowing in the wind but everyone knows there would never be wind on the moon, and how did the camera get there? How did the camera get there? By a Hollywood director that’s how.

In the end that’s all I feel you need to know. Closely follow the four stars of the Southern Cross, they’ll lead you to a fellow brother with a Southern Cross tattoo.

This article originally appeared in Anti-Expert’s Guide to Everything (Chaser Quarterly #8): buy it here.

God’s plan is for man’s life to suck

NEWS |

Regular churchgoer Miles Carruthers, of Pennant Hills, has always believed that God cares about him, and has a special Plan for his life. On the evidence to date, however, God’s design for his servant Miles is clearly for him to live a life of mind-numbing drudgery and ongoing, spirit-crushing failure.

“I am at God’s disposal, and He may do with me as He pleases,” Carruthers, 43, said. “I had thought perhaps He might use me to heal the sick, or alleviate the suffering of the poor in the Third World, but apparently the best use my Heavenly Father can find for me in the whole splendour of His creation is to process invoices at an auto-parts supplier. Still, everything we do in this life is part of preparing for His Kingdom, and I guess I just have to conclude that my role, for reasons that He will reveal later, is to ensure that His Kingdom has adequate supplies of spark plugs.”

Carruthers has had more difficulty discerning the Lord’s plan for his family, a source of occasional doubt he has had since both his parents and sister died in a car crash at the age of nine. The tragedy resulted in him being sent to a strict Christian boarding school, where he was regularly beaten for being “a fag”, despite his near total success at overcoming his natural urges by focussing closely on the statement in Paul’s letter to the Romans that sex was created for men and women in holy matrimony. God ultimately rewarded Carruthers for his constancy with a wife, who later left him.

“The preacher talked at our wedding about the wonderful experiences that God had in store for us both,” Carruthers said. “Although he didn’t clarify that hers were mainly going to be found in her boss’ bed.”

“Reverend Jessop says he’s sure that God has someone else set aside for me, and it’s just a matter of waiting faithfully,” Carruthers affirms. “Perhaps even someone who wants me to be the biological father of her two children this time.”

Reverend Jessop says that despite his difficulties, Miles has been given one extraordinary blessing – his faith. “The depth of his belief is truly a remarkable thing,” he says. “God knows if I were him, I’d have packed it in long ago.”

Voters shocked to learn that Luke Foley was invited to a party

NEWS |

NSW Voters have been left reeling this morning after it was revealed that Luke Foley had been invited to a party two years ago.

People with knowledge of the situation said that Luke Foley had always been someone who you’d “accidentally” leave off the list whenever there was a social gathering happening.

“This is a real shock. It must have been some sort of oversight. Perhaps someone was trying to be polite? It just doesn’t make any sense. I mean, why would anyone want him at a party?” said every single person who has ever met Mr Foley.

Yesterday observers were shocked to learn that the Opposition Leader had been accused of being a sex pest. “I had no idea he was opposition leader,” said one Labor insider. The Labor Party will now begin its search for the next person to lead the party into the next scandal.

Meanwhile, NSW Parliament was rocked by another revelation yesterday, when computer scientists revealed they had developed an Artificial Intelligence Robot capable of corruption and sex offenses. The new robot could wipe out the need for NSW politicians within five years.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics released figures last week that showed the entire NSW population will be disgraced former party leaders by 2020.

The Daily Telegraph to trial ‘news’ section

NEWS |

For the first time in its history, The Daily Telegraph has announced it will be trialing a news section, which will feature reports based on actual journalism rather than the long-form opinion pieces they are known for.

The new section will be bereft of the opinion of Rupert Murdoch and has prompted the publication to hire its first fact checkers and journalists.

For loyal readers, there is no need to worry. The news will be a small concise segment found on page 50.

The editor sought to reassure readers that the ‘news’ reports will never be featured on the front page. “I think that works well as our fiction section,” she said.

The announcement came as the newspaper celebrated another hallmark — 150 straight days featuring Bill Shorten in weird headwear on the front cover.

The Chief editor has high hopes for the news, “We’ve stripped back anything we’ve ever done, my personal goal is to refrain from using the phrase ‘fiscally blind lefties’ in any of the investigative reports.”

The new section was made possible thanks to specialised advertiser backing. The first story in the news section will be an investigative report on ‘why KFC is so finger licking good.’

There are no plans for The Herald-Sun to follow suit.

SJW confined to bedrest after two days of ‘world-changing’ Facebook posts

NATIONAL |

INNER-Western Sydney resident Myron Spurge is ‘exhausted but satisfied’ after spending the past 48 hours on social media, taking on the Melbourne Cup and the US Mid-term Elections.

From his share-house bed, Spurge claimed the successful operation began last week when he started making memes about the barbarism of the racing industry.

“First I had to find the pictures of horses, then I had to come up with some witty slogans, then I had to type them out in Impact font. Those three memes took me about two hours but it was totally worth it – although I’m now strangely desensitised to images of horse executions.

“Thank God I can save pictures for free off Google Images again.”

Then, in the aftermath of the race, Spurge was hit by the sickening realisation he had less than a day to generate some anti-Trump memes and a witty-but-sentimental 1,500 word rant to his (mainly Australian) friends.

“In the end I got 40 likes and 12 heart reactions – lucky I’d already unfriended everyone who disagrees with me. That should start a discourse and effect some change. It’s exhausting, being so moral. Now I know what a racehorse feels like – the ones that don’t get shot I mean.”

While Spurge is taking a hiatus from social media activism for the remainder of the year, he has assured his plethora of fans that he’ll be back with some ‘truly fire’ Change-The-Date memes just in time for Australia Day.