National
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National
Nationals do most of the swearing at new Cabinet swearing-in
Senator McGauran: has since given the finger to his own side National Party MPs have protested the loss of another ministerial post, disrupting the new Cabinet’s swearing-in with a chorus of obscenities. The protest was led by Nationals Leader Mark Vaile, who, after swearing allegiance to the Queen audibly added, “But the Liberal Party can…
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National
Schoolies celebrate end of studies by getting drugged and molested
Year 12 students have once again descended on the Gold Coast for Schoolies Week, the annual festival where school leavers from across Australia come together to relax in the sun, binge drink and get raped. Nicole Withers, 17, of Pymble NSW, is a typical schoolie looking to wind down after a tough year of studying.…
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National
PM promises shoot-to-kill policy will only be used in emergencies, accidents
“The world changed on 9/11,” Howard said. “Before then I would have needed a good reason to pass these draconian laws.”
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National
High school debate fails to solve Arab-Israeli conflict
[Edition 63] SYDNEY, Thursday: The latest attempt to solve the Arab-Israeli conflict, a Year 10 debate between St George Girls’ High School and Hurlstone Agricultural High School, has ended in failure. The debate, on the topic ‘That America should intervene in Palestine’, was held in the St George school hall after recess today.
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National
Tina Arena sells naming rights: To be renamed Telstra Arena
SYDNEY, Sunday: An administrative error has seen Telstra sign a deal for naming rights over singer Tina Arena. Telstra chief Ziggy Switkowski has said that the company will run with the idea, and that the singer, whose strident wailing is especially popular with young women, will henceforth be known as Telstra Arena. “After we renamed…
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National
Psychiatric patient successfully reintegrated into homeless community
[Edition 57] MELBOURNE, Tuesday: Australia’s mental institutions have achieved an almost 100% success rate in their program to reintegrate its patients back into the homeless community. The news comes as a relief to psychiatric support groups who were concerned about the effect increased funding cuts were having on psychiatric care. “With relatively little assistance, most…
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National
Aboriginal dancers thrilled to open CHOGM colonial celebrations
[Edition 53] COOLUM, Saturday: Several Aboriginal dancers have expressed delight at being given the opportunity to dance at the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting opening ceremony. “Some people think British colonialism was all bad for Aboriginals,” said one of the Bingiri Dancers. “But without it we wouldn’t have got this free trip to Coolum”.
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National
Volunteer firefighter admits he would have preferred holiday
[Edition 50] DUBBO, Tuesday: Bill Christie, a volunteer member of the Rural Fire Service, yesterday said he resented having to give up his Christmas holidays fighting fires hundreds of kilometres from his own home. Christie described the Prime Minister’s endorsement of volunteer spirit as “total crap”.
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National
ONLINE GAMBLING CLAIMS VICTIM: Child dies in virtual carpark
[Edition 44] MELBOURNE, Tuesday: Online gambling has claimed its first victim after a child was left in a virtual carpark while her parents gambled. “I only clicked into www.gonegambling.com briefly,” her mother claimed. “The flashing lights and poor returns must have sucked me in.”
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National
4 Corners exposes something or other
SYDNEY, Tuesday: Australian viewers were shocked last month to see the ABC’s flagship current affairs program reveal something they didn’t know Media historians had to scramble to the record books to find the last time when 4 Corners exposed anything resembling new information. “Normally it just summarises a general issue, or buys an old program…