National
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National
Turnbull Unveils Plan to Devolve Responsibility for Latest Newspoll to the States
Malcolm Turnbull has announced a radical plan that would see state premiers take responsibility for all aspects of the latest Newspoll, which recorded a plunge in support for the embattled coalition government. Mr Turnbull denied it had anything to do with his slide in the polls. “This has been a long time in the planning.…
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National
Dutton visibly orgasms after ordering Chinese migrants be sent to Christmas Island
“It’s hnnnngggg for the greater good.”
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National
Qantas to still call 51% of Australia home
Qantas has already won significant public support by promising that the first employees moved offshore will be its children’s choir.
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National
Australia celebrates 10th anniversary of not being run by Peter Costello
Celebrations are occurring across Australia to commemorate the tenth year that Peter Costello’s leadership ambitions have been thwarted. The jubilation was heightened as the nation simultaneously marked the tenth anniversary of Australia not being run by Paul Keating, Kim Beazley, Simon Crean or Mark Latham. “The community must recognise the good work Mr Howard has…
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National
New Australian Of The Year hopes honour will raise profile of whatever it is he does
Australian Of The Year Ian Frazer announced today that he would dedicate his 2006 to promoting cervical cancer research to whoever hasn’t already forgotten him. “I will not rest until every single person attending a primary school or citizenship ceremony is aware of the exciting research in this field,” he said. “I will be to…
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National
Nationals do most of the swearing at new Cabinet swearing-in
Senator McGauran: has since given the finger to his own side National Party MPs have protested the loss of another ministerial post, disrupting the new Cabinet’s swearing-in with a chorus of obscenities. The protest was led by Nationals Leader Mark Vaile, who, after swearing allegiance to the Queen audibly added, “But the Liberal Party can…
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National
Schoolies celebrate end of studies by getting drugged and molested
Year 12 students have once again descended on the Gold Coast for Schoolies Week, the annual festival where school leavers from across Australia come together to relax in the sun, binge drink and get raped. Nicole Withers, 17, of Pymble NSW, is a typical schoolie looking to wind down after a tough year of studying.…
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National
PM promises shoot-to-kill policy will only be used in emergencies, accidents
“The world changed on 9/11,” Howard said. “Before then I would have needed a good reason to pass these draconian laws.”
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National
High school debate fails to solve Arab-Israeli conflict
[Edition 63] SYDNEY, Thursday: The latest attempt to solve the Arab-Israeli conflict, a Year 10 debate between St George Girls’ High School and Hurlstone Agricultural High School, has ended in failure. The debate, on the topic ‘That America should intervene in Palestine’, was held in the St George school hall after recess today.
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National
Tina Arena sells naming rights: To be renamed Telstra Arena
SYDNEY, Sunday: An administrative error has seen Telstra sign a deal for naming rights over singer Tina Arena. Telstra chief Ziggy Switkowski has said that the company will run with the idea, and that the singer, whose strident wailing is especially popular with young women, will henceforth be known as Telstra Arena. “After we renamed…