National

“If we changed it to ‘Earth Month’ then maybe they would stand a chance.”

“Hahaha just kidding – it’s all of them,” said Morrison.

“For a genocide to be horrific enough to qualify for special attention, you really need to feel some sort of sympathy for them. I can’t quite put my finger on why the white South Africans look more deserving of special attention, but as soon as I figure it out, I’ll get back to you.”

“McCormack looks forward to reaching the everyday Australian, by wearing cowboy hats and sinking schooners in pubs”

A man appeared in court today, charged with a minor infraction that is never reported on, but is, in this case, being reported because it involved Salim Mehajer, and we’re hoping for the extra click-throughs.

The new leader won over his colleagues by not having impregnated a staffer, not having New Zealand citizenship, not having accepted a rental property from a prominent donor and not being accused of sexual harassment.

Firth, host of The Firth Factor, weighs in on the big issue of the week: was Malcolm Turnbull right to make sex between MPs and staffers extra naughty?

Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce believes that having an affair with a staffer and then getting them a taxpayer-funded job down the corridor is a private matter. Even so, everyone wants to weigh in on the Barnaby Joyce Affair. Here’s what they said.

He admitted there was more steps than just that. “First of all, you have to leave your wife and kids,” he said. “Then just shack up with your new girlfriend. Then you tap someone from the local community who happens to want influence with you.”