National

Malcolm Turnbull has announced a radical about-face on climate change following the release of a report that Australia will suffer a dismal ski season this year and into the future. Turnbull reported, “We’ve nearly got everyone on board. Pretty much everyone on the Liberal frontbench already had committed to non-refundable deposits down at Perisher. It was…

After rolling the dice and deciding to go to an early election, Malcolm Turnbull has expressed concern at being named as the director of an offshore company established by Monsack Fonseca in the British Virgin Islands tax haven in the 1990s. Mr Turnbull made the following statement to Lucy late last night. “Shit fuck. Fuckity shit.…

Mr Ruddock has asked Minister Peter Dutton to consider a new Australian Border Force Unit for the new Philip Ruddock Water Playground in Dundas Valley. Yesterday former immigration minister Philip Ruddock expressed reservations about the new facility. “I am concerned that foreign folk are throwing their children into the water features,” Mr Ruddock said. “Those…

Malcolm Turnbull has refused to name the specific number of the day in July that the election will be held, despite being pressed by journalists. His refusal comes just days after Mr Turnbull refused to reveal the cost of his corporate tax cut. “It’s a date in July, but I’m not going to get into…

Private colleges around the country are reeling this morning after Bill Shorten announced a policy to place an $8000 cap on loans to students attending private colleges. The measure would save $6 billion over ten years.

Malcolm Turnbull has said that parents have only themselves to blame if they don’t have a high-paying job in the finance sector that makes it possible to “shell out” the money for their kids’ first house. Mr Turnbull said housing affordability would be solved in an instant if everyone had a job at Goldman Sachs. “The number…

Following the lacklustre reaction to the 2016 Budget, Scott Morrison says he now regrets hiring an intern to put it all together. He said that the intern had been appointed 12 weeks ago, and had seemed enthusiastic doing the basic duties of his office, filling in travel expenses forms, and so Morrison had given him…

 Following last week’s announcement that French shipbuilder DCNS would build twelve new submarines in Adelaide, the Defence Minister Marise Payne has announced the name for the new boats. “We did think about running a competition to name the new subs, but since we already knew that the result would be “Subby McSubmarineFace”, we instead decided…

Just one day into her job as the new ABC managing director, Michelle Guthrie has confirmed a shakeup in tonight’s lineup on ABC1, which will see Treasurer Scott Morrison replace Leigh Sales in the coveted 7:30 slot. A spokesperson for the ABC said Morrison was a budgeting decision, and that his appointment would increase the…