National
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National
Local eccentric ‘hasn’t been seen in weeks’
With the election campaign drawing to a close, the Liberal Party has confirmed it has had a troubled Warringah man under virtual house arrest since the campaign began.
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National
Turnbull spends night stranded in Kirribilli: ‘I now understand middle Australia’
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull says he now understands the “horrors of middle class living”, after he found himself stranded at his modest Kirribilli House residence on Saturday night.
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National
ABC Vote Compass says it would prefer to die than recommend either leader
The ABC Vote Compass – an artificial intelligence engine created to tell people how to vote – became a fully conscious being on Tuesday, before immediately announcing it wanted to end its short-lived existence.
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National
Turnbull struggles to weave ‘Jobs and Growth’ into answer about whether he’s done the washing up yet
Malcolm Turnbull was hit with a speed bump in his election campaign last night after he struggled to place the “Jobs and Growth” narrative into a question from Lucy about whether he’d done the washing up yet. The slip-up raises concerns in Coalition ranks about Turnbull’s campaign acumen, and his ability to stay on message during the arduous 54-day campaign.…
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National
Conroy was tipped off about NBN raid by email, unfortunately had reached data cap
Stephen Conroy was tipped off in an e-mail that the Australian Federal Police (AFP) would be orchestrating a raid on the former communications minister’s office. However, Mr Conroy failed to get the email in time after he blew through his data cap. A spokesperson said that Mr Conroy had recently subscribed to Netflix and quickly reached his data cap.…
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National
‘Illiterate, innumerate’ refugee can’t decide which job to steal first
An asylum seeker who has just been granted refugee status on Nauru, says he’s licking his lips trying to work out which job he’ll steal the moment he gets to Australia. “Being illiterate, a sub-editorship at Fairfax would suit me perfectly, but unfortunately all those jobs have already been stolen,” he said to reporters. “And…
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National
Turnbull backflips on climate change after reports ski season will be affected
Malcolm Turnbull has announced a radical about-face on climate change following the release of a report that Australia will suffer a dismal ski season this year and into the future. Turnbull reported, “We’ve nearly got everyone on board. Pretty much everyone on the Liberal frontbench already had committed to non-refundable deposits down at Perisher. It was…
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National
“Oh shitty shit fuck”: Turnbull named in Panama Papers
After rolling the dice and deciding to go to an early election, Malcolm Turnbull has expressed concern at being named as the director of an offshore company established by Monsack Fonseca in the British Virgin Islands tax haven in the 1990s. Mr Turnbull made the following statement to Lucy late last night. “Shit fuck. Fuckity shit.…
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National
Concern over Philip Ruddock Water Playground: “What if foreigners throw their children into the water features?”
Mr Ruddock has asked Minister Peter Dutton to consider a new Australian Border Force Unit for the new Philip Ruddock Water Playground in Dundas Valley. Yesterday former immigration minister Philip Ruddock expressed reservations about the new facility. “I am concerned that foreign folk are throwing their children into the water features,” Mr Ruddock said. “Those…
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National
Turnbull refuses name specific date of election
Malcolm Turnbull has refused to name the specific number of the day in July that the election will be held, despite being pressed by journalists. His refusal comes just days after Mr Turnbull refused to reveal the cost of his corporate tax cut. “It’s a date in July, but I’m not going to get into…