National
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National
Census reveals Dutton answered ‘amphibian’ to question on gender
Hackers last night released Peter Dutton’s Census answers, which revealed that he answered “Cold-Blooded Amphibian” to a question regarding his gender. Several complementary sources have already come forward confirming that he is of Amphibian origin. One insider said that Mr Dutton “keeps a large blow up pool in his office at all times and he’s sometimes seen…
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National
Govt claims census triumph: ‘we are a proud nation of 4 million people’
The Australian Bureau of Statistics is reeling this morning after its website crashed last night due to an orchestrated attack on its servers. A spokesperson for the Australian Bureau of Statistics said that the attack seemed to have been orchestrated by a whole nation of people. “We are currently looking for a nation of roughly…
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National
Sonia Kruger slams Paralympics as ‘reverse discrimination’
MORNING television host Sonia Kruger has again created outrage, this time suggesting that the 2016 Paralympics are a gross example of ‘reverse discrimination’. Kruger claims that an athlete’s identity as disabled or able bodied “should have no impact on the awarding of gold medals”. “I think those gold medals should be given on merit,” Kruger…
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National
Turnbull nominates Abbott for UN Secretary-General
In the wake of his rejection of Kevin Rudd’s bid for the role of UN Secretary General, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has made the surprise decision to instead nominate Tony Abbott. “If I’m going to give a cushy foreign position to a divisive ex-PM who people think is a dick, it might as well be…
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National
Pell vows to become vegetarian, will still eat meat every day
Cardinal George Pell has vowed to become vegetarian this month, telling a congregation at the vatican, “All beings are equal in God’s eyes and hence should not be consumed.” Pell told his flock that he believed he would enjoy the vegetarian lifestyle. “When I saw how much fun vegetarians were having with all the shaming and the…
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National
Hanson caught replacing ‘Asian’ with ‘Muslim’ on old One Nation banners
When all else fails, go with what works.
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National
Hanson plans to have baby so she can use The Sonia Kruger Defence
After once again having her moral stance called into question on ABC TV, Pauline Hanson has announced her decision to have another baby as soon as possible in what she’s calling ‘The Sonia Kruger defence’. “The last 24 hours have taught me a lot,” said Hanson as she picketed a Lakemba McDonald’s with a bunch…
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National
Kevin Rudd seeks to be knifed from UN top job
Former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has put his hand up to be Secretary-General of the United Nations before inevitably being knifed by his closest colleagues.
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National
Witty stoner makes scathing joke about election
An unemployed but sharp-witted student at Melbourne University is feeling chuffed with himself after his satirical remark about the election set social media slightly alight.
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National
Local eccentric ‘hasn’t been seen in weeks’
With the election campaign drawing to a close, the Liberal Party has confirmed it has had a troubled Warringah man under virtual house arrest since the campaign began.