National
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National
Baird government creates lockout laws for 24-hour gyms
Further plans include a state-wide ban on all ‘Tapout’ shirts.
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National
NSW Premier outlaws coward punching of kangaroos
Shoot them, eat them, but whatever you do – don’t punch them.
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National
Gina Rinehart euthanised after Melbourne Cup fall
THE Emirates Melbourne Cup has once again come under fire for its lack of humanity after mining magnate and Australia’s richest woman Gina Rinehart fell down during the race and subsequently had to be euthanised. Reports say that Ms Rinehart forced herself to stand in the immediate aftermath of the fall, but her injury and…
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National
NT News hire actual Crocodile to writing staff
Estuary insider hired to help tip the scales
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National
Local drunk denounces Muslim immigration mid-kebab
“Imagine if this Aussie kebab shop went under because it had to compete with some immigrant’s food shop across the road. It’s just not right.”
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National
Brad concedes custody of kids to Angelina: “I can always buy more”
Late last night Brad Pitt conceded full custody to Angelina Jolie, shrugging off the loss, stating, “I can always buy more.”
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National
Factional heavyweights relieved Conroy can spend more time with his daughter
The heavyweights say they are glad Conroy listened to their suggestion that he think about his family before making any rushed decisions.
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National
Bernardi frantically rushes to get anti-discrimination law abolished before PNG refugee arrivals
Corey Bernardi has been frantically rushing to get 18C abolished before the closing of PNG and Nauru camps, hoping to greet the refugees with “A copy of the Australian and an interview on the Today Show.” Bernardi issued a press release earlier this morning stating, “We as politicians and representatives for society, are doing our…
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National
Census reveals Dutton answered ‘amphibian’ to question on gender
Hackers last night released Peter Dutton’s Census answers, which revealed that he answered “Cold-Blooded Amphibian” to a question regarding his gender. Several complementary sources have already come forward confirming that he is of Amphibian origin. One insider said that Mr Dutton “keeps a large blow up pool in his office at all times and he’s sometimes seen…