General News
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General News
Windscreen washer joins millionaire list
After just a year in his new job, John Samuels has added his name to the burgeoning list of enterprising Australians who have made their fortunes by offering partial car-washing facilities in convenient inner city road-side locations. Until the mid-2000s, Australians were only able to attend to the arduous tasking of cleaning windscreens at service…
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General News
Parent-Child bonding fails due to father’s use of word “rad”
A father’s attempt to relate to his teenage son has failed dismally following an embarrassing use of the word ‘rad’. “I thought that I had mastered the teenage lexicon,” said disappointed father Malcolm Carruthers of Carlton, whose question “Did you have a rad day at school?” drew only a look of disgust from his 15-year-old…
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General News
Linguistics Professor googles the definition of irony
A top linguistics professor at Harvard University, David Campbell, did a web search for the “definition of irony” this morning, and then immediately collapsed from the sheer irony of the situation. His co-workers are now reporting that Campbell was last seen “Wandering around the campus looking like he just saw a ghost.” Campbell looked up the definition after one of his…
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General News
Highway police finally targeting international tax fraud
After fifty years of targeting speeding, one year of targeting drink driving and one week of targeting seat belts, Western Sydney Highway Patrol have decided to finally start targeting International tax fraud. Constable Sarah Jackson stated that the bold move was a team decision, “It’s safe to say a lot of us were feeling ‘The…
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General News
McDonald’s franchisee decides on yellow and red colour scheme
Mr Palmer, a thrilled new franchisee, says that the yellow and red went well with the logo he decided to have for his new restaurant. “For some reason I had always imagined using a big yellow M, kind of like golden arches, for my McDonalds store.”
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General News
Bigotry enthusiast takes time off work to prepare for marriage plebiscite
Local man Sam Wallace has taken time off work in preparation for the upcoming marriage equality plebiscite. He told his employer his leave was for “personal reasons” but Wallace’s true plans are to throw himself into his favourite hobby: homophobic trolling of people who are gay, lesbian or transgender. Wallace – who sees himself as more of a…
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General News
Flatmates of ‘hilarious’ stoner student hope he moves out before he spirals into depression
A philosophy student at Melbourne University has decided to complete his Honour’s year while stoned.
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General News
Zoo claims Gorilla had ties to Islamic State
Cincinnati Zoo authorities have released new information that shows suspicious links between the gorilla killed on the weekend and Islamic State. But the zoo has denied it was attempting to quell the moral outrage that has followed the killing of Harambe – a silverback Gorilla who was shot after a child fell in his enclosure…
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General News
Anti-Vaxxer worried “obsessive” behaviours by her cat might be autism
An anti-vacciation advocate has told friends she fears obsessive behaviours in her cat, Mittens, might be autism developed following a recent flu shot the cat received. “She has closed herself off socially, embarrassing me in front of guests, while becoming awfully obsessed with her bright pink mouse toy. She just won’t listen to me. She never…