How we are making decisions about the social media ban

Hello Australia,

PM Albo here to clear up some confusion about our proposed social media ban/social media ID policy, stemming from some vague language and us backflipping on everything we have said so far.

Some have accused us of ‘frantically making this up as we go while we cartoonishly trip over our own feet’, but we prefer to look at is as us making sure this law we are pushing through before the election is, handled with care.

That is why last night we opened up for submissions from the public and experts on the proposal. But if you are reading this, it’s already too late. Submissions are closed. Sorry.

You see the trouble with a law like this is that when Lachlan Murdoch told me to do it, he didn’t tell me how and anytime we have secret meetings I am too busy licking his boot clean to be able to talk about it.

So instead we have chosen a great foolproof method moving forward: pulling names from a hat.

The reason why Youtube is no longer banned and Snapchat will now be banned despite being the opposite of what we previously said, is simply that it is what the hat chose.

The hat is also the only way to explain why Facebook will be banned, but Facebook Messenger won’t be.

Instagram failed the hat check, although Threads may have survived it because we forgot it exists so we didn’t add the name. We don’t know.

X will be banned and Truth Social both failed, but since The Australian Government works for the US government, Truth Social will be allowed to stay and we will circle back to X.

Lastly, porn websites are not social media and therefor will not require ID. Just stick to a button. Again our priority here of course, is stopping kids from seeing inappropriate content.

So let’s all come together and give big tech enough information to steal our identities, and maybe just maybe we can finally get Murdoch to endorse Labor at the next election.

I mean, there is no way he wont endorse us now right?… right?

Yours,

Anthony Albanese

Prime Minister?

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