Announcing our new Fees

Hello valued members of the ConnBank family,

Some of you weren’t happy with our announcement of a special little fee every time you want to withdraw your own money, but we want you to understand that it was for your own good and for that we say you’re welcome.

We have decided to not go ahead with those fees yet, and instead look to revolutionise the banking space after talking to the wonderful business leaders from other companies like Ticketek.

First you will be charged for reading this message. Obviously.

Don’t worry, it’s a simple handling fee of just $10 per letter. A reasonable price to pay for the security we provide when selling your data to scammers. Again, you’re welcome.

Next we will be adding an $8 processing fee, for the cost of processing the previous new fee that you just paid. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know, we have to fund the payment of that fee from somewhere.

Plus a $20 a week ‘no scalping’ fee that lets you skip the wait times in queue and make sure that no one scalps your money from your bank account.

If you want to stop these automatic payments, you can. Since you accidentally signed up online, all you have to do to cancel the subscription is call our phone number during work hours, because fuck you.

But most of all, thank you for choosing to bank with ConnBank. Where we protect your money, by making it our money.

More Newsletters