How to handle family ‘debates’ this holiday season

As the stress of the work year comes to an end for many, the stress of the ‘relaxing’ family gatherings begin.

On top of the gift giving, food preparations and making sure the members of the family who hate each other aren’t sitting near each other because apparently they can’t figure it out themselves; there is one thing that tops all other stressors: impromptu ‘debates’.

Whether on the biggest political and social issues of the time, or whatever culture war bullshit is lingering in the mind of the uncle you don’t talk to; these drunken discussions are as toxic and exhausting as watching politicians debate. Just with a bit less alcohol involved than Parliament House sitting hours.

There is hope in these trying times though, as we have gathered a list of some of the main potential topics and what you should do if they arise:

“The Elites” – a common topic for ruining a meal, when someone rants about ‘the elites controlling everything’ just simply agree with them by saying we all hate Rupert Murdoch, Elon Musk and Donald Trump.

Raygun – If a family member brings up the break-dancer and prepares for a rant, just cut them off and remind them that if you talk about Raygun she will sue you.

Palestine and Israel – sadly the focus groups have not come back on this one yet, so just start going ‘this is of grave concern’ over and over like a broken record while waiting on actually taking a stance regarding the lives of human beings. Should only take about 14 months or so.

Taylor Swift – tell them to ‘shake it off’ then get back to what you were doing, which was probably watching illegal streams of Eras concerts on TikTok live.

Aboriginal Flag at press conferences – Due to recency bias, this culture war has a decent chance of being the surprise topic of the family gathering. Approach this topic similar to how Dutton approached songs about gay marriage, by suggesting ‘balance’. Next to the Aboriginal Flag, there should also be a flag for representing the colonisation of Australia, say one that is blue with a Union Jack on it in the corner. 

Socialism – If someone starts saying that ‘socialism is ruining the family values’, just simply nod along and say ‘sure, no more handouts’ before taking back any gifts you got them.

For any other topics, the best thing to do will simply be to distract them by finding common ground. Topics that can help with that include: how cringy Adam Bandt is, how useless Anthony Albanese is, how monster-like Peter Dutton is, and how the supermarket giants can get fucked.

Or just go for the nuclear option and reveal a secret that will get someone in trouble.

Have a merry internal screaming,

Yours

John Delmenico

Editor of The Chaser, amateur family councillor 

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