World
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World
“Refugees are going to take my job,” claims unemployed man
Local man Gareth Jones has voiced his outrage in his local pub that “Refugees are going to take my job. That’s it for me my careers well and truly done.” Jones had been talking about becoming an architect for several decades now, but has decided instead to double down on his current occupation of yelling…
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World
Starting global wars will result in one-hour suspension under Twitter’s tough new terms of service
“From now on, making inflammatory threats towards a foreign adversary is a breach of content guidelines and will result in harsh penalties, namely a one hour suspension of your posting privileges,” said the spokesperson.
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Royal couple experience first night of dull, routine sex
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have had sex for the first time as a married couple, in a session the newlyweds described as “adequate”.
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WEDDING CANCELLED: Harry and Meghan split over whether it’s Yanny or Laurel
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced they are calling off their wedding, citing “irreconcilable differences” over whether it’s pronounced Yanny or Laurel.
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Trump: “I consulted world leaders on Iran, but Rick from Texas had a point”
“He may not have been able to point to Iran on a map, but the man sure knew how to point to his heart. Well, the general area.”
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China to build military base 200km off Australian coast: ‘can’t afford the house prices any closer’
“It really is the closest we can afford on our budget,” said the Supreme Commander of the Joint Chinese Military Forces. “We looked at the outer suburbs of Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne, but even if we went interest-only, it’s a bit outside our price range.”
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NZ PM Jacinda Ardern pregnant: Trump claims he’s more pregnant than her
“Actually,” he told reporters, “I was pregnant way before her. I’ve been pregnant for months.”
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World
PricewaterhouseCoopers mistakenly tells Apple it must pay tax
In an absurd stuff-up, accountants at the firm were preparing two tax returns. One was for a low-wage retail worker, Paul Hutchins, and one was for the global multinational conglomerate.
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World
Trump: “Not all Nazis are white supremacists”
“Some of them are just nice people with alternative views about the Holocaust.”