National
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National
Local drunk denounces Muslim immigration mid-kebab
“Imagine if this Aussie kebab shop went under because it had to compete with some immigrant’s food shop across the road. It’s just not right.”
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National
Brad concedes custody of kids to Angelina: “I can always buy more”
Late last night Brad Pitt conceded full custody to Angelina Jolie, shrugging off the loss, stating, “I can always buy more.”
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National
Factional heavyweights relieved Conroy can spend more time with his daughter
The heavyweights say they are glad Conroy listened to their suggestion that he think about his family before making any rushed decisions.
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National
Bernardi frantically rushes to get anti-discrimination law abolished before PNG refugee arrivals
Corey Bernardi has been frantically rushing to get 18C abolished before the closing of PNG and Nauru camps, hoping to greet the refugees with “A copy of the Australian and an interview on the Today Show.” Bernardi issued a press release earlier this morning stating, “We as politicians and representatives for society, are doing our…
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National
Census reveals Dutton answered ‘amphibian’ to question on gender
Hackers last night released Peter Dutton’s Census answers, which revealed that he answered “Cold-Blooded Amphibian” to a question regarding his gender. Several complementary sources have already come forward confirming that he is of Amphibian origin. One insider said that Mr Dutton “keeps a large blow up pool in his office at all times and he’s sometimes seen…
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National
Govt claims census triumph: ‘we are a proud nation of 4 million people’
The Australian Bureau of Statistics is reeling this morning after its website crashed last night due to an orchestrated attack on its servers. A spokesperson for the Australian Bureau of Statistics said that the attack seemed to have been orchestrated by a whole nation of people. “We are currently looking for a nation of roughly…
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National
Sonia Kruger slams Paralympics as ‘reverse discrimination’
MORNING television host Sonia Kruger has again created outrage, this time suggesting that the 2016 Paralympics are a gross example of ‘reverse discrimination’. Kruger claims that an athlete’s identity as disabled or able bodied “should have no impact on the awarding of gold medals”. “I think those gold medals should be given on merit,” Kruger…
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National
Turnbull nominates Abbott for UN Secretary-General
In the wake of his rejection of Kevin Rudd’s bid for the role of UN Secretary General, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has made the surprise decision to instead nominate Tony Abbott. “If I’m going to give a cushy foreign position to a divisive ex-PM who people think is a dick, it might as well be…
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National
Pell vows to become vegetarian, will still eat meat every day
Cardinal George Pell has vowed to become vegetarian this month, telling a congregation at the vatican, “All beings are equal in God’s eyes and hence should not be consumed.” Pell told his flock that he believed he would enjoy the vegetarian lifestyle. “When I saw how much fun vegetarians were having with all the shaming and the…