National

Minister Greg Hunt today told reporters the website was far too unreliable for hackers to be able gain access. “Our protection is flawless: if anyone tries to gain unauthorised access, chances are, they’ll just end up with a 404: The Website Not Found message. You can’t get more secure than that.”

David Leyonhjelm only got into the Senate by promising not to have sex with anyone, it was revealed today.

“Private enterprise is much better at delivering reliable services. I mean, except for Telstra, the Commonwealth Bank, Medibank and the power companies.”

The attack comes days after Bill Morrow attacked gamers for using the internet, claiming they were slowing down the network. He pleaded with users to stop using the NBN, pointing out it would be much faster if nobody used it.

“Look, I’m terribly sorry about the Sunday Night interview, I was Ambien interviewing,” he said, speaking privately to the entire national media.

Barnaby Joyce has expressed privately to the nation’s media that he’s beginning to suspect the events of the past few months may adversely affect his ability to pick up staffers in the future.

“If we changed it to ‘Earth Month’ then maybe they would stand a chance.”

“Hahaha just kidding – it’s all of them,” said Morrison.

“For a genocide to be horrific enough to qualify for special attention, you really need to feel some sort of sympathy for them. I can’t quite put my finger on why the white South Africans look more deserving of special attention, but as soon as I figure it out, I’ll get back to you.”