National

The attack comes days after Bill Morrow attacked gamers for using the internet, claiming they were slowing down the network. He pleaded with users to stop using the NBN, pointing out it would be much faster if nobody used it.

“Look, I’m terribly sorry about the Sunday Night interview, I was Ambien interviewing,” he said, speaking privately to the entire national media.

Barnaby Joyce has expressed privately to the nation’s media that he’s beginning to suspect the events of the past few months may adversely affect his ability to pick up staffers in the future.

“If we changed it to ‘Earth Month’ then maybe they would stand a chance.”

“Hahaha just kidding – it’s all of them,” said Morrison.

“For a genocide to be horrific enough to qualify for special attention, you really need to feel some sort of sympathy for them. I can’t quite put my finger on why the white South Africans look more deserving of special attention, but as soon as I figure it out, I’ll get back to you.”

“McCormack looks forward to reaching the everyday Australian, by wearing cowboy hats and sinking schooners in pubs”

A man appeared in court today, charged with a minor infraction that is never reported on, but is, in this case, being reported because it involved Salim Mehajer, and we’re hoping for the extra click-throughs.

The new leader won over his colleagues by not having impregnated a staffer, not having New Zealand citizenship, not having accepted a rental property from a prominent donor and not being accused of sexual harassment.