National

Former Prime Minister John Howard found out this afternoon that Scott Morrison is the Prime Minister, after he attended a campaign meet-and-greet with Wentworth candidate for the Liberal Party David Sharma.

Scott Morrison has announced that the 29th February will be the day the contribution of Indigenous Australians is celebrated in this country.

Despite mounting reservations, Liberal Party insiders were quick to reassure Mr Murdoch that his wishes would be carried out promptly and fully.

Mr Morrison said it was important for the Royal Commission to investigate fully how the chronic underfunding of aged care could be brought to light so easily.

“We want more women because it looks better on TV when there are a few chicks behind me during question time,” said the Prime Minister.

Dutton dismissed the latest allegations of improper conduct, saying that he was more focused on important matters, such as counting the votes for another leadership ballot in the party room.

Despite polls indicating 85% of Australians want more action on climate change, the Liberal Party held firm on its electorally disastrous policy supporting the dying industry.

Home Au Pairs minister Peter Dutton will face an inquiry after it was revealed there is a special express lane at Sydney airport customs reserved for “people with no personal connection to Peter Dutton”.

Australia is at risk of being swamped by au pairs after a boatload of them was spotted in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Australia.

Scott Morrison has slammed claims he only invokes his Christianity selectively, saying that all of his government’s policies are endorsed by Jesus. “Jesus would have locked up refugee kids in offshore prison camps if he’d only had the chance,” he told reporters.