General News
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General News
Rescuers still searching for man lost in IKEA
Police Rescue, the State Emergency Service and the Westpac rescue helicopter have responded to calls to help search for an unnamed 32-year-old man, who was last seen inspecting a Pax Uggdal wardrobe combination in Ikea. The rescuers have looked underneath all the display beds and on the highest shelves of the warehouse, and even drained…
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General News
UN called in to resolve washing-up stalemate
The United Nations has been forced to intervene in an inner-city sharehouse this week after a feud over who was going to wash up after a party spilled into a third month. The hostilities began shortly after master bedroom resident Ray Heston held a birthday party. “We all chipped in to tidy the place beforehand,”…
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General News
Dalek sick of fans asking him to say ‘exterminate’
The actor also says he fears he has been typecast and would like to see more roles for Daleks in Hollywood romcoms.
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General News
Zombie finds call centres workers mindless
Having waited on hold for 40 minutes, reanimated corpse Trevor Fleck has slammed call centre workers across the nation, declaring them slack-jawed imitations of humanity with no reasoning power.
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General News
Entire magazine read in newsagency
Despite the clear presence of a sign informing customers it is “not a lending library”, an Erskineville newsagency was forced to remove a no-good freeloader last Tuesday afternoon, shining a light on a problem that newsagents are describing as a hidden epidemic.
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General News
Cross-dresser confounded by androgynous fashion
Married investment banker and secret transvestite Malcolm Penfold has declared himself “completely flummoxed” by recent sartorial trends. “How am I supposed to challenge socially constructed gender norms under these conditions?”
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General News
Man goes on trip of a lifetime to work out where to end it
De Rossi claims he first got the idea of killing himself from a helpful anonymous poster on one of his youtube videos.
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General News
Outsider artist angry at positive review from conservative critic
“I suppose I’ll just have to be even more anarchic and confronting from now on.”
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General News
Report card accurately predicts child’s future
Westwood, who found his old report in a plastic crate while looking for a bottle of bourbon he had hidden from his wife, described the commentary as “eerily prescient”.