General News
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General News Santa takes indefinite leave after body shaming by online trolls“Back in the day he’d get an occasional handwritten complaint from a dissatisfied child, but the internet has changed all that” 
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General News Outrage as Australia Day moved to 28th – “It’s just not the same without the genocide”“What’s the point of changing the date? It’s not like dates are symbolic reminders of things that happened in the past.” 
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General News Mike Pence booed because he somehow got tickets to HamiltonWhile the next available ticket to see Hamilton on Broadway is in 2018, it seems being VP Elect has some benefits. 
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General News World’s clairvoyants mysteriously unable to see beyond Trump inauguration“It’s as if a million Mexicans cried out at once, and then nothing.” 
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General News Public really not looking forward to inevitable President Trump sex scandalAmerican is now coming to terms with the inevitable Trump sex scandal it will have to deal with at some point in the next four years. 
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General News Billionaire dumps millionaire for ‘excessive spending’“I don’t want your money honey… but it certainly helps” 
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General News Turnbull dreams of one day holding powerPM Malcolm Turnbull spent the entire day today wandering the halls of parliament imagining what it would be like to hold power in Australia. 
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General News Amnesty branch captures and tortures lazy letter writerGLEBE, Friday: Police are investigating claims that the Glebe branch of Amnesty International has captured and tortured a member whose tardiness in letter writing had become renowned. Members of the letter writing sub-committee have acknowledged that Mr Jeff Wilkins had failed to respond to numerous urgent calls for letters to be written to various governments… 
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General News Nobel Prize introduces ‘Most Improved’ CategoryStung by charges of elitism, The Royal Swedish Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of tradition to award its first award for effort, rather than excellence. 
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General News Foreign Investment Review Board approves sale of Sam Dastyari to ChinaThe Foreign Investment Review Board announced this afternoon that it has approved the sale of Sam Dastyari to China. The purchase came despite desperate attempts by Mr Dastyari to reverse the transaction in recent days. A spokesperson for the buyer said that the purchase was “non-refundable”. Scott Morrison stated, “It is a fair and resourceful…