General News

THE ABC’s Sydney headquarters in Ultimo was today forced into lockdown after a popular children’s presenter tested positive for COVID-19, despite having never left the country and regularly self-isolating in his ‘batty lair’. “Early this morning one Mr G. Fangs returned a positive test for the virus, forcing the station into lockdown. We have since…

“What’s the point of me doing this anymore? You can’t go outdoors.”

People drinking at home will also be required to pour their beer into plastic glasses after 10pm.

The thread is a cautionary tale for people who might be thinking that being a dickhead isn’t such a bad thing.

It now accounts for 50% of all words used in the English language.

“Great work on that report,” the boss is reported to have emailed back.

“Whoever left this, clean it up. I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!”

The text message to all Australians instructed them to start washing their hands seven weeks ago.

“I know I’ve got the virus, but honestly, I really do feel amazing.”

Mansplaining is now mostly about getting the settings right on Zoom.