National

Malcolm Turnbull was hit with a speed bump in his election campaign last night after he struggled to place the “Jobs and Growth” narrative into a question from Lucy about whether he’d done the washing up yet. The slip-up raises concerns in Coalition ranks about Turnbull’s campaign acumen, and his ability to stay on message during the arduous 54-day campaign.…

Stephen Conroy was tipped off in an e-mail that the Australian Federal Police (AFP) would be orchestrating a raid on the former communications minister’s office. However, Mr Conroy failed to get the email in time after he blew through his data cap. A spokesperson said that Mr Conroy had recently subscribed to Netflix and quickly reached his data cap.…

An asylum seeker who has just been granted refugee status on Nauru, says he’s licking his lips trying to work out which job he’ll steal the moment he gets to Australia. “Being illiterate, a sub-editorship at Fairfax would suit me perfectly, but unfortunately all those jobs have already been stolen,” he said to reporters. “And…

Malcolm Turnbull has announced a radical about-face on climate change following the release of a report that Australia will suffer a dismal ski season this year and into the future. Turnbull reported, “We’ve nearly got everyone on board. Pretty much everyone on the Liberal frontbench already had committed to non-refundable deposits down at Perisher. It was…

After rolling the dice and deciding to go to an early election, Malcolm Turnbull has expressed concern at being named as the director of an offshore company established by Monsack Fonseca in the British Virgin Islands tax haven in the 1990s. Mr Turnbull made the following statement to Lucy late last night. “Shit fuck. Fuckity shit.…

Mr Ruddock has asked Minister Peter Dutton to consider a new Australian Border Force Unit for the new Philip Ruddock Water Playground in Dundas Valley. Yesterday former immigration minister Philip Ruddock expressed reservations about the new facility. “I am concerned that foreign folk are throwing their children into the water features,” Mr Ruddock said. “Those…

Malcolm Turnbull has refused to name the specific number of the day in July that the election will be held, despite being pressed by journalists. His refusal comes just days after Mr Turnbull refused to reveal the cost of his corporate tax cut. “It’s a date in July, but I’m not going to get into…

Private colleges around the country are reeling this morning after Bill Shorten announced a policy to place an $8000 cap on loans to students attending private colleges. The measure would save $6 billion over ten years.

Malcolm Turnbull has said that parents have only themselves to blame if they don’t have a high-paying job in the finance sector that makes it possible to “shell out” the money for their kids’ first house. Mr Turnbull said housing affordability would be solved in an instant if everyone had a job at Goldman Sachs. “The number…