National

Malcolm Turnbull has said that parents have only themselves to blame if they don’t have a high-paying job in the finance sector that makes it possible to “shell out” the money for their kids’ first house. Mr Turnbull said housing affordability would be solved in an instant if everyone had a job at Goldman Sachs. “The number…

Following the lacklustre reaction to the 2016 Budget, Scott Morrison says he now regrets hiring an intern to put it all together. He said that the intern had been appointed 12 weeks ago, and had seemed enthusiastic doing the basic duties of his office, filling in travel expenses forms, and so Morrison had given him…

 Following last week’s announcement that French shipbuilder DCNS would build twelve new submarines in Adelaide, the Defence Minister Marise Payne has announced the name for the new boats. “We did think about running a competition to name the new subs, but since we already knew that the result would be “Subby McSubmarineFace”, we instead decided…

Just one day into her job as the new ABC managing director, Michelle Guthrie has confirmed a shakeup in tonight’s lineup on ABC1, which will see Treasurer Scott Morrison replace Leigh Sales in the coveted 7:30 slot. A spokesperson for the ABC said Morrison was a budgeting decision, and that his appointment would increase the…

The Nine Network has blasted the Child Abduction team that remain in Lebanese custody. A spokesperson said the agency were highly unprofessional, “They should have known the laws, they should have known the inherent risks. I mean, we don’t even know why they even attempted such an operation.” The Nine Network paid the agency $69,000…

Award winning 60 Minutes journalist Tara Brown has pleaded ignorance regarding a botched child abduction attempt in Beirut. “I’m so sorry,” she told the packed courtroom. “I didn’t even know that Lebanon had laws.” Brown has so far spent 14 days in police custody. Breaking down in tears last night, Brown stated she had huge regrets.…

Malcolm Turnbull has vowed to go to a July 2 election in face of plunging support, a divided backbench, and nothing to legislate during the next three weeks of parliament. “Yep, it’s on July 2nd. Just like I said,” Mr Turnbull told reporters cheerfully. “The Senate called my bluff, and so I’m going to call theirs. Hah! That’ll…

Malcolm Turnbull has used the special sitting of parliament to argue that legislation to reinstate the Australian Building and Construction Commission is about protecting jobs, specifically his own. “By demonising construction workers and portraying them as dangerous thugs, we’ll be swept to victory in July,” said Mr Turnbull. “Plus, it’ll make it bit cheaper to…

Malcolm Turnbull has expressed “profound regret” for giving people the impression he ever cared about issues such as marriage equality, climate change, asylum seekers and funding of the public education system. “There seems to be some confusion that somehow I’m a hypocrite for backing away from my beliefs on those issues. But the truth is,…