General News

“His executor’s still on hold to get the phone cancelled, she’s going to have a heart attack when she sees the bill.”

[Edition 89] According to Moir, it was the idea of Latham’s belly being a hill that probably confused things. “It was an idea I cooked up when Beazley was still leader, and it didn’t translate as well as I’d expected. I probably should have scrapped Latham and just drawn a hill marked ‘credibility’.”

[Edition 85] A heartbroken Miss World, Rosanna Lee Davison has apologised to her supporters and the judges who elected her for her inability to create world peace, despite her best efforts. As part of her commitment to world peace, Davison has undertaken a punishing schedule of modeling, attending parties and fulfilling cosmetics endorsement obligations, but…

[Edition 83] People who smoke up to 60 cigarettes a day can protect themselves from cancer by insisting they are only ‘social smokers’, a health study has found. “If you never buy cigarettes yourself, and only bum them off friends, you are 62 per cent less likely to suffer lung cancer and 45 per cent…

[Edition 83] New data from NASA’s Mars Rover Spirit has found no signs that the red planet has an extortionately priced retail market for bottled water and flavoured water variants. “This is the best evidence yet that life on Mars has considerably superior intelligence to humankind”, said NASA Director Stephen Peters.

[Edition 83] Temporary Haitian leader Yvon Neptune has dismissed speculation that the ousting of President Aristide will further plunge the troubled nation into unrest. “Maybe I’m a little biased, but I’ve just got a good feeling about this coup” said the new leader. “There’s a real buzz in the air, and only part of it…

[Edition 82] President Bush has denied going AWOL from the National Guard, and has instead revealed that he spent six months in 1972 on an unrelenting drug and alcohol bender. “I have previously been unable to give verification of my whereabouts during this time. And that’s because I was so off my dial, I don’t…

[Edition 80] “There’s no way something like that could happen,” scoffed leading UFOlogist Warren Murst. “The British are just so desperate to prove the inferiority of their space program, they faked this failure before NASA even had a chance to stuff up their Mars mission.”