Uber Eats ordered to deliver fairer contracts, sweet and sour pork by ACCC
Investigators are still deciding on whether to add dumplings or not
Morrison denies opposing banking royal commission, “I had my fingers crossed”
"When I said it was a waste of time, I meant it was a waste of time not to do it!"
Anger over “fee for no service” confuses politicians – “That’s what we do everyday?”
"Wait, they expect us to do things in return for being paid half a million dollars a year?"
“Fraudulent bankers should be jailed, or made leader of Liberal party” says Morrison
"I don't know which one is worse."
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China to build military base 200km off Australian coast: ‘can’t afford the house prices any closer’
"It really is the closest we can afford on our budget," said the Supreme Commander of the Joint Chinese Military Forces. "We looked at the outer suburbs of Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne, but even if we went interest-only, it's a bit outside our price range."
Facebook admits CEO Mark Zuckerberg personally views and rates every single one of your nudes out of 10
"Yours are all sevens."
Hip priest desperately trying to shoehorn ball tampering reference into Easter sermon
"This is a lot like... the time Judas... tampered with Jesus' balls... no that's no good."
Putin wins landslide victory with 120% of the vote
Putin is attributing the victory to his policies, his popularity, and the surprise death of all his opponents
Dutton: “What did white South Africans ever do wrong?”
"For a genocide to be horrific enough to qualify for special attention, you really need to feel some sort of sympathy for them. I can't quite put my finger on why the white South Africans look more deserving of special attention, but as soon as I figure it out, I'll get back to you."