Pell horrified to learn NDAs unenforceable in afterlife

HOLY GATES, Wednesday: George Pell was horrified to learn today that the all-knowing, all-seeing deity, God, is able to know and see everything that George Pell did over the past 81 years.

Pell told supporters he was unpleasantly surprised to discover that God was able to circumvent even the most water-tight Non-Disclosure Agreements he’d made people sign over the years, and gain access to a full moral accounting of his life.

In 1996, George Pell led the “Melbourne Response” to allegations of child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, which involved blaming the victims, isolating them and then making them sign confidentiality agreements to silence them from telling the truth about their abuse. But speaking to reporters outside the pearly gates, the former Cardinal said that in many ways he was the true victim here.

“Throughout my life, I repeatedly said that all of the most serious allegations against me were ‘not supported by the evidence’, which worked really well because I managed to suppress most of the evidence,” Mr Pell said. “But now I rock up to the pearly gates, to discover that God has access to ALL the evidence. Now I’ve got to come up with a completely different argument about why I shouldn’t be damned for all eternity. I don’t suppose God accepts Indulgences anymore?”

Pell said his usual tactic of “deny everything”, but that was much harder to do without rock solid NDAs. “Unfortunately, God is much, much better at interrogating the truth than the Victorian Police. Like, he even asks probing questions about what actually happened.”

During his life, Pell also faced repeated allegations that he was a paedophile, and was convicted of child sex abuse against two altar boys in 2019. The conviction was overturned in 2020 by Australia’s High Court. Pell said he was particularly disappointed that God didn’t accept the High Court’s judgement as the final say on the matter.

Pell said he was looking into appealing the judgement on his soul, however, it was very hard to get access to sufficient legal representation. “Where have all the lawyers gone? There doesn’t seem to be a single lawyer in heaven. At least, none of the ones that I’ve dealt with over the years.”

Pell said that if his appeal was rejected and he had to spend the rest of eternity in hell, it wouldn’t be the worst thing that has ever happened. “Turns out, I’ve got a lot of friends down there.”