Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has created a firestorm of controversy by demanding "some face time" with screen siren Megan Fox. "We must improve Italo-Megan Fox relations at once," Berlusconi announced to a parliament consisting largely of ex-Playmates. "Italy cannot afford to lapse into a Cold War with one who has such dangerous curves."
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Prime Minister Julia Gillard has attempted to appeal to both left and right in the refugee debate by playing a dog whistle and a bongo drum at the same time. Speaking at the Lowy Institute, she outlined a plan to process refugees in East Timor without demonising them in the process. "Now is not the time to blame all our ills on refugees," she said. "That time will be slightly closer to the election."
Kevin Rudd will shortly face a Caucus vote on his leadership, having had his career Bill Shortened. It is now expected that Julia Gillard will become Australia's first ranga Prime Minister. Shocked by the spill, Kevin Rudd has declared that Gillard has launched "the greatest immoral challenge of this generation."
Socceroos coach Pim Verbeek has hit back at criticism of his decision to field a team with no strikers for the team's 4-0 World Cup loss to Germany. The Socceroos' game coincided with the announcement of Queen's Birthday Honours for people who have made a significant contribution to Australia. There were no Socceroos on the list, although Pim Verbeek has received a medal for services to German football.
The Australian Labor Party is bracing itself for a difficult election year, after internal research identified Prime Minister Rudd's policy failures and backdowns as a bigger moral challenge than dealing with climate change. ALP polling also shows that for Labor, Kevin Rudd is now a bigger cancer on democracy than political advertising.
In a final show of his respect for Foreign Minister Stephen Smith, the Israeli diplomat expelled by the Australian Government has left the country on a forged Australian passport. "I may even kill a Hamas leader on my way home while wearing an Australian flag and singing your awful anthem," the unnamed diplomat claimed at Customs.
Police Rescue, the State Emergency Service and the Westpac rescue helicopter have responded to calls to help search for an unnamed 32-year-old man, who was last seen inspecting a Pax Uggdal wardrobe combination in Ikea. The rescuers have looked underneath all the display beds and on the highest shelves of the warehouse, and even drained the ball room. But still no trace of the man can be found.
Warned of the future demise of his environmental credentials by a wild-eyed Greens Senator in a converted-hybrid DeLorean, the 1985 Peter Garrett has traversed the space-time continuum to stop his future self abandoning his environmental principles.
Toyota has unveiled a new Prius model that looks set to revolutionise the car industry, powering the sustainable cars with the self-righteousness of their owners. The prototype, nicknamed the Toyota Pious, uses a unique hybrid engine that allows the car to go on and on whenever the driver does.
A recent earthquake has shifted New Zealand 30cm closer to Australia, the second phase of a long-term plan to connect the two islands and their social security systems. The first phase of the plan, where New Zealanders were sent to Australia to seek welfare assistance one by one, has given way to a more expansive, nation-based dole bludging plan.
Kyle Sandilands has apologised for a segment where he and Jackie O hooked a 14-year-old to a lie detector to ask about her sex life. "I'm really sorry that we didn't realise what she'd been through," Sandilands said. "If we had, we would have broadcast her rape counselling session instead. It would have made much better radio."
The Grand and Ancient Order of Freemasons has taken over the European Union for a three year period, in a move observers say will only expand their web of control and terror. Supreme Mason Sir Alfred Hinman began his period of tyrannical rule with an acceptance speech that preceded the traditional black mass.
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