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The Chaser Report – Episode 5 – Party Time! (With 10 or Fewer People)

Who should you invite to your first dinner party as the lockdown restrictions ease? Dom takes a probing look at the man behind the anti-lockdown protests in Melbourne. Plus, Charles examines the delicate art of winning an argument with your partner while in lockdown. All that, plus the latest Chaser headlines from Rebecca De Unanumo in the Chaser International Global World newsroom.

Stream above, visit it at Nova, and subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts.

TRANSCRIPT

Intro VO:
In times like these it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it. Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another amazing episode of Australia’s most beloved podcast. I’m Charles Firth and joining me today are Dom Knight and Andrew Hansen. And restrictions have been loosening over the last week or two. You’re able to actually have dinner with two other people in New South Wales and it’s going to shortly expand to 10. Dom, have you taken advantage of that?

Dom Knight:
Not yet. I don’t have any friends, but my wife actually got us invited to a dinner party on Saturday night. I’m pretty uncomfortable about that. So what I’m going to do, I’m going to turn up to the house, take the plate of dinner and then go and sit in the spare room and Zoom in to the main dining table. I’ve got to stay safe.

Andrew Hansen:
I remember you doing that at a dinner party about four years ago, Dommie.

Dom Knight:
I did it at your wedding too, remember?

Andrew Hansen:
Yes, yes, yes. It’s good. It’s the only way that we really want to see you or interact with you.

Charles Firth:
I do enjoy being able to press the mute button on you whenever I want, Dom.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, likewise.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, we’re going to miss that. I reckon when the restrictions are gone and you can’t mute anybody at any time, it’s going to be hard to deal with.

Charles Firth:
Andrew, have you gone out yet or gone over to a dinner party?

Andrew Hansen:
No, I’m sane. I’m actually a sane person, so the fact that the virus hasn’t gone away at all or changed in any way and that the numbers are still exactly the same every day makes me think, “Well, why in shit’s name are we loosening the restrictions that we had to have two weeks ago when everything was exactly as it is now?”

Dom Knight:
Oh, you’re a socialist from the Daniel Andrews school of socialism and communism, aren’t you?

Andrew Hansen:
That’s the way we do it in Victoria. Oh, yes. Now the restrictions are loosening here, but there’s actually been a spike at a Macca’s here in Victoria, which is a bit wild. I’m hoping that it’s not Grimace on the Hamburglar who’ve gotten this disease. I’ll be very sad. I’ll be very upset.

Dom Knight:
Makes a nice change from the usual norovirus though. Bring in the lawyers for that one.

Charles Firth:
My wife and I took advantage of the loosening of the restrictions. We actually had a party on the weekend, last weekend. We were only allowed two guests, which I think actually gives single people a massive advantage for the first time ever.

Dom Knight:
Yeah.

Charles Firth:
Because when you’re looking at the guest list, you know how with couples, there’s always one member of a couple who you go, “Ah, yeah. I mean, I like her, but I don’t really like him,” or whatever. So we found ourselves just inviting just single people over because you can then just maximize the quality of your guests.

Dom Knight:
That’s genius. No, it’s never been better time, has it, really?

Charles Firth:
Yeah, exactly.

Dom Knight:
Actually, that reminds me, Charles. Can your wife do this podcast next week? Andrew and I have been talking, we think it’ll work better.

Andrew Hansen:
She’s such good company, isn’t she, Dommie? She’s so fun to have around. Let’s have her around.

Dom Knight:
Good at hosting.

Charles Firth:
Fuck you both. I’m the A game, she’s the B game. We all know that. The thing is that these restrictions are going to last for a long time, where you’re only allowed up to 10 guests and stuff like that, so I think it needs to become part of just what is done, is if you’re not on your A game, you can just get told to go home. And then you swap them for another guest.

Dom Knight:
You have a reserves bench outside, like at a supermarket.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, exactly. I think we should do that.

Andrew Hansen:
Is there a nose swab that we can use at the door to test the quality of somebody as a guest? Because that would be quite useful too, I reckon. No, you’re boring. We’ve tested it, boring. You’ve got to leave. You’ve got to go in quarantine for 14 days, you’re a boring shit.

Dom Knight:
Maybe there’s a finger prick test to just check if anyone’s ever been an anti-vaxxer or something like that.

Charles Firth:
Coming up on the show, Dom is looking at the anti-lockdown protests in Melbourne and we look back at the career of Alan Jones. But first, let’s head over to Rebecca De Unamuno for the latest Chaser news headlines.

Rebecca D.:
Lawyers across Australia today have joined the mass queues at Centerlink following the retirement of Australia’s most controversial broadcaster and [fuckwit inaudible 00:04:21] Alan Jones. Alan Jones got into trouble throughout his colorful career and our lawyers say we can’t even say that he liked to [inaudible 00:04:26]. Asked what they would be doing to make up for the lack of sexist, racist broadcasting on their station, two GB representatives say they are in talks with a range of blonde breakfast TV presenters, who would be perfect for the job.

Rebecca D.:
Trade tensions between Australia and China have escalated after China threatened to stop buying Australian politicians. China currently buys almost as many politicians from Australia per year as it does tons of iron ore. Tensions have been rising between the countries ever since Australia joined with very stable genius, Donald Trump in calling for an independent inquiry into how to blame China for all his own problems. China has threatened to turn Western Australia into a fucking gaping open cut mine hole in retaliation. However, experts say it’s a bluff mainly because that’s exactly what Western Australia already is. That’s the Chaser Report headlines, news you can’t trust.

Charles Firth:
Thanks, Bec. Hey, Bec, I heard you’re having a dinner party this weekend to celebrate the easing of the restrictions.

Rebecca D.:
Yeah, it’s going to be so much fun.

Charles Firth:
So am I invited?

Rebecca D.:
Oh, it’s just that I’ve already invited nine people. So it would be illegal to invite you.

Charles Firth:
Oh, sure. But I mean, my wife is invited.

Rebecca D.:
Yeah. Sorry. I had to draw the line somewhere. I’d totally invite you if it were legal.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, love it. Cool. Yeah, sure.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Report. More news less often

Dom Knight:
All right, Charles and Andrew, last week we talked about that theory, that 5G mobile phone towers cause COVID-19, and how one of the guys that spread this theory also claims that the royal family are alien lizards. I thought that was a bit of a red flag. David Icke, as we talked about in last week’s podcast, but this whole 5G, sinister COVID-19 conspiracy theory is more popular than I thought. A hundred people turned up to an anti-5G protest in Melbourne this week where they were chanting this.

Protest:
Arrest Bill Gates. Arrest Bill Gates.

Dom Knight:
Arrest Bill Gates is what they want. Why would they want to arrest Bill Gates? What’s he ever done to them?

Charles Firth:
What hasn’t he done? I mean, he founded Microsoft, the worst… Well, first of all, there was Clippy. I suppose everyone sort of…

Andrew Hansen:
Yes. That’s reasonable.

Charles Firth:
And Bing, that’s another one. What about the Zune? Does anyone remember the Zune? I bought a Zune. Thanks, Bill Gates.

Andrew Hansen:
You did not.

Charles Firth:
I bought a Zune.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, Charles.

Dom Knight:
Wouldn’t it be great if they put him in a cell with Clippy, just asking, “Do you want to get out? Do you want to get out?”

Charles Firth:
Do you want me to help write this application for your release?

Andrew Hansen:
It looks like you’re staging a breakout. Do you want some help? I mean, the other bad thing that Bill Gates has done over the years is inventing coronavirus.

Dom Knight:
Oh, right.

Andrew Hansen:
That was the other terrible thing that he did.

Dom Knight:
He would’ve gotten on well with the people behind this rally. Now one of the main organizers and speakers was a guy called Fanos Panayides and he’s got an Instagram account.

Andrew Hansen:
What?

Dom Knight:
It’s a Greek name. Fanos Panayides, the voice.

Andrew Hansen:
I thought you meant Thanos, like the enemy who collects all the gems.

Dom Knight:
He looks like Thanos actually, in that he’s absolutely massive. He’s incredibly muscly and intimidating. And his great fear is being micro-chipped with a vaccine because of course, that’s how vaccines work, they put microchips inside you. But it’s not just 5G that Fanos Panayides, the voice, holds responsible for COVID-19. He also blames the television.

Fanos Panayides:
This thing here is called a television. Tell a vision. This thing here has been telling us what to think, what to buy, what to eat, and now this thing has been terrorizing the world. In five months, it’s this thing that put everyone in their homes.

Dom Knight:
I thought it was COVID-19, but it’s actually the television that’s put us all in our homes.

Charles Firth:
Hang on. The television was invented, what? In the 1950s?

Dom Knight:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Charles Firth:
And it’s now putting us in our…

Andrew Hansen:
It’s playing a long game, Charles.

Charles Firth:
It’s the long game.

Andrew Hansen:
What a slow burn. I mean, was he angry that there were TV cameras filming him at this protest? I assume he doesn’t want this protest to be broadcast on television either. He wants to be kept secret, does he? The whole protest? Nobody know about it.

Dom Knight:
Well, he does hate TVs though, Fanos, so much that he’s convinced a lot of his followers to actually smash their TV. Released a video where he smashes his big screen TV. It sounds like this.

Fanos Panayides:
Media, I’ve got a message for you. Here’s my fucking message. No longer will we be programmed.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, he’s right, you can’t program the TV after doing that. I don’t think the G code would work at all. So the thing is he already had a big screen TV.

Dom Knight:
Yes.

Andrew Hansen:
I’m gathering. But he’s now woken up to the fact that this purchase…

Charles Firth:
And he hates the TV for telling people what to do. And so, he’s telling people to smash their TVs. He’s telling people what to do.

Andrew Hansen:
But he’s not doing it on TV. I assume he’s doing it just on the harmless internet.

Dom Knight:
Yes, on Instagram because when does that ever go wrong?

Charles Firth:
I actually saw this video of him smashing his TV, but I just assumed that he had young kids or something and they’d asked to watch The Wiggles again. And I think every parent can relate to that.

Dom Knight:
That does make sense. But look, it has been influential. There’s a lot of people who’ve been smashing their TVs and a guy put together a montage of all the smashed TVs and there’s probably about 10 people who’ve smashed their TVs. And I looked more into this guy, Fanos Panayides, the anti-TV, 5G protesting guy.

Charles Firth:
He’s not a TV salesman by any chance, is he?

Andrew Hansen:
TV repairman, I think, Charles. “I can fix your smashed TV in just two weeks.”

Dom Knight:
Well, it turns out he has got a connection with the TV. Fanos Panayides, the prophet of Instagram, starred on a TV show not long ago. A big mainstream TV show.

Charles Firth:
The hypocrisy.

Andrew Hansen:
You’re kidding me.

Dom Knight:
Guess what the TV show was that Fanos starred in.

Andrew Hansen:
He wasn’t inside one of the characters on the Masked Singer, was he? It’s the TV smashing guy inside the dinosaur.

Charles Firth:
It’s got to be, surely, a cooking show because they’re the only shows.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh yeah, actually, surely. Perhaps he was there doing Pete Evans’s role before Pete Evans on My Kitchen Rules, was it?

Charles Firth:
Yes, of course.

Andrew Hansen:
Was he filling the interesting spruikers type role?

Dom Knight:
I would have thought maybe like a four corners investigation into the far right and all these movements, but it turns out you’re absolutely right. Here is the TV show that Fanos starred in.

Family Food Fight:
This is Family Food Fight.

Dom Knight:
Yes. Fanos Panayides was a contestant with his family on the Channel Nine series, Family Food Fight.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh my goodness. Well, he partly has to blame himself in his family for spreading the coronavirus then. If he was on TV and so were they, I mean, is he going to smash himself?

Dom Knight:
I’m not sure a lot of people actually watched that series. I think that was part of the problem. The main beef that he has, I think, with television is actually the judges of Family Food Fight. See, they laughed at him a bit. And the weird thing is he was into smashing things even back then because it’s in one episode where he tries to smash potatoes and it doesn’t go well.

Speaker 17:
Smash the potatoes.

Fanos Panayides:
How do I smash them? Where’s the rolling pin? Get the rolling pin.

Dom Knight:
So what he’s doing is hitting raw potatoes with a rolling pin and they just fly off into the air.

Charles Firth:
See, he should have watched The Wiggles more because he then would have known about “hot potato, hot potato”.

Dom Knight:
So that’s Fanos, the guy that wants to smash all the TVs. There is one problem though, I’m thinking he hasn’t thought this through because if all of his followers want to watch his new Instagram videos in a few years time, they’ve all smashed their TVs. They’re going to have to watch them on 5G.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Report. News you know you can’t trust.

Charles Firth:
Now we all have relationship troubles under lockdown. Have you found that, guys, where things get a little bit tense at home?

Andrew Hansen:
No, it’s probably just you, Charles.

Charles Firth:
Oh.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, no. We’re loving spending all this time together.

Charles Firth:
Well, things have been a little tense in my household in the last few weeks. And look, I know that you two are sort of males who can’t talk about their emotions, but I’m actually not too proud to admit that my relationship does suffer under this lockdown. And I think it actually got so bad that about a week ago, we actually just literally ran out of conversation.

Dom Knight:
Oh, no.

Charles Firth:
We just found ourselves at the point, we’re at dinner and there was just nothing left. We’d said everything. We actually started just reading out tweets, funny tweets that we’d read that day.

Dom Knight:
You must have been desperate.

Andrew Hansen:
To open Twitter, you’ve got to be in a real state of desperation.

Charles Firth:
Anyway, so it was our wedding anniversary though, last Saturday.

Andrew Hansen:
Happy anniversary.

Charles Firth:
16 years.

Andrew Hansen:
16 years of silence.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, 16 years. It feels like 16 years of isolation, just the last couple of months. So we had quite a nice night on Saturday night. And then on Sunday, I was, of course, a little bit hungover, as one is after one’s wedding anniversary.

Andrew Hansen:
Yes.

Charles Firth:
But my wife went into this whole let’s clean up the house under lockdown, do a proper lockdown clean. Have your partners done that yet, where they go…

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. I must say yes. That has happened. That is happening, yeah. It’s horrible. I don’t like cleaning, I love living in filth. It’s much easier, I find.

Dom Knight:
You don’t have to do it. All you do is say that you’ve got multiple cases of COVID and then the health department comes in and does a really deep clean.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, there’s a hot tip. That’s a great hack, that’s a little life hack there, Dommie.

Charles Firth:
Is that what you’ve done, Dom? Is that what you’ve got through the last few weeks, you just keep complaining about COVID and then medical authorities…

Andrew Hansen:
The thing is, how often can you get them in? Like twice a week?

Dom Knight:
Well, I mean, I’m now in lockdown in an actual hospital. So that’s the problem with it, you do get locked away from your family forever.

Charles Firth:
Anyway, so my wife goes into this massive lockdown clean and she starts ordering me around, go and get the bins, empty the other bins, we need to get the bins and just blah, blah, blah.

Dom Knight:
Do you not understand how cleaning works?

Charles Firth:
And I went, “Well, you can do that if you want, but I’m going to lie on the couch and read my book.” I’m not going to do that. Anyway, she got very stern and just gave me the silent treatment for the next few hours. And the thing is, usually I would then make my peace and tell her I loved her or something like that, explained why I didn’t want to do a whole lot of work with a hangover on the Sunday morning for her, but just sort of diffuse the whole thing. But then I thought, no, this is lockdown. You’ve actually got to win. You’ve going to win the argument. You’ve got to win.

Andrew Hansen:
So let me get this straight. So not only did you refuse to help your poor wife keep the house clean for your children, but you also then went on the offensive and went on some sort of attack. Is that right?

Charles Firth:
Well, no. No, no. This is the thing, because attack, I always lose if I go on the attack. Of course you’re going to lose if you go on the attack. This is my brilliant solution that I want to tell you about, which is the way to actually win an argument in lockdown is to just do the silent treatment back. Right?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, I’ve never heard of this before.

Charles Firth:
Because there’s nothing she can do because she can’t leave you because she’s stuck, right? And it’s literally against the law to leave you, right? So I’m doing the silent treatment, she’s doing the silent treatment, checkmate. Five days, she still hasn’t talked to me. It has been absolute bliss. Brilliant.

Dom Knight:
Andrew, do you think we could somehow get Charles to give us the silent treatment on the podcast?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, please.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Report. Less news more often.

Charles Firth:
This show is brought to you by the loosening of lockdown restrictions. They’re great. In some states, you can even go to the pub now. In others, you can have 10 people over. Are you going out this weekend, Dom?

Dom Knight:
No, but I could thanks to the loosening.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. I’m not either actually, Charles. But it is great to know that I could.

Charles Firth:
The loosening of the lockdown restrictions. Now you can choose not to go out on the weekend.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Reports. News a few days after it happens.

Andrew Hansen:
Now, Dommie, Charles, you guys are parents like me. I don’t know how you’re going with explaining this whole coronavirus thing to your kids. Last week I battled through some children’s books that have been released to try and help explain this situation to our little ones. Coronavirus messaging for kids is a tricky one. Did you know that kids’ musicians have also leaped into the fray? They have indeed and they’ve got some coronavirus songs especially for kids.

Dom Knight:
Oh, great.

Andrew Hansen:
So I think we’ll take a look. Look at that, isn’t that good news?

Dom Knight:
Yeah.

Andrew Hansen:
I’m sure you didn’t have enough children’s songs in your life.

Dom Knight:
Just to add to the suffering in the world right now.

Andrew Hansen:
That’s right. Well, let’s begin with the big name, The Wiggles. Dommie, do you want to take a guess at the title of the new Wiggles song about the coronavirus?

Dom Knight:
If they’re looking back at the origins, how about Old MacDonald Ate a Farm? A lovely story about a pangolin and…

Andrew Hansen:
Not a bad guess, but not correct however. Charles, do you want to try? Wiggles song about the coronavirus.

Charles Firth:
I don’t know. I was going to say Hot Corona. It would be like hot bat soup, hot bats. No, I’m terrible. I don’t know.

Andrew Hansen:
Not a bad guess. Look, actually, the new Wiggles song is actually not as metaphorical as you might think. The new Wiggles song is called this.

The Wiggles:
Social distancing, staying home to help the world. Social distancing, keeping safe all the boys and girls.

Andrew Hansen:
Social Distancing is the title of the song. And of course, it is about Emma’s attempts to socially distance herself from Lachy.

Dom Knight:
There are two words that preschoolers definitely understand, social and distancing. Well done, Emma.

Charles Firth:
What was the line at the end?

Andrew Hansen:
The line at the end, what was it? Stay at home to save the world, keeping safe all the boys and girls, or something like that.

Charles Firth:
Oh, okay. Right, yeah.

Andrew Hansen:
Something like that. Look, anyway, I should be more familiar with it because I’m very familiar with The Wiggles’ song book.

Charles Firth:
And is this going to enter the canon for The Wiggles, Andrew?

Andrew Hansen:
Well, it is canonic. I mean, it’s written and performed by The Wiggles, Charles. It’s now part of the official Wiggles history. I reckon they’ll be opening their gigs to the hundred people that Scott Morrison thinks are going to be packing theaters by July.

Andrew Hansen:
They’ll be opening with Social Distancing, I reckon. It’s funny you should say that about the canon though, because I noticed, and only a dad would notice this, this is why I want to put the question to you guys. This song is almost identical to an existing Wiggles song, which is also about science except with different words. Charles, do you want to take a guess? Which branch of science is the older Wiggles song about?

Charles Firth:
I don’t know. Is it medical science, maybe?

Andrew Hansen:
Close. Dommie? Dommie, the original Wiggles.

Dom Knight:
I was thinking medical science. I was thinking intensive care medicine and Wake Up, Jeff. Doctors, we can’t wake Jeff up.

Andrew Hansen:
With the number of illnesses that The Wiggles all have, they’re going to need a lot more medical songs, I reckon. They’ve all got something wrong with them, the Wiggles. Well, no, let’s let’s hear it. I don’t know if you can remember Social Distancing. Well, the older Wiggles science song is of course this classic.

The Wiggles:
Meteorology, the study of the atmosphere.

Andrew Hansen:
Tell us more.

The Wiggles:
Meteorology, tells us why the skies may be clear.

Andrew Hansen:
Meteorology.

Charles Firth:
My kids were very big fans of The Wiggles for many years and we never got deep enough into the catalog to hear Meteorology.

Dom Knight:
Really? I think that was an unfair question, Andrew. They should have adapted a classic, like maybe, “Toot, toot, chugga, chugga, big red ambulance.”

Andrew Hansen:
Look, Charles, I’m surprised your kids don’t want to be meteorologists when they grow up because of that. Look, admittedly, that is a deep cut. It’s not one of the singles. Now The Wiggles, they’re not the only kids’ musicians making virus awareness songs. And one of the most infectious virus tracks, I guess I could say, comes from the artist DD and Friends. Goes like this.

DD and Friends:
Oh, no. Oh, no. Virus, go, go. Emergency, virus is-

Andrew Hansen:
Question for you, Charles. Virus is what? Can you tell me? What’s the next part of the song? Can you tell me, “Emergency, virus is,” what?

Charles Firth:
It’s something you can’t see? Or something?

Andrew Hansen:
Not bad. I mean, you’ve got to think, these songs are designed to calm children down and just make them feel that everything’s going to be okay. So Dom, what do you think?

Dom Knight:
I’m thinking virus is created in a top secret CIA lab.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, that wouldn’t be very comforting for kids. Let’s just hear what the rest of the clip is to make your kids feel better about the whole thing

DD and Friends:
Emergency, virus is attacking.

Andrew Hansen:
It’s attacking.

Charles Firth:
Oh. Great.

Andrew Hansen:
So that’s a good one to play for your kids if they’re a little bit worried. Moving genres now, and a pair of doctors have released, of course they have. In America, of course they’ve released a coronavirus. Rap, check it out.

Speaker 10:
Droplets spread. They can go in your eyes, or into your ears or your mouth from outside. Be careful what you touch because it may not be clean, sanitize or handles and even your screens. If you see someone cough, then you’re meant to stay away, yeah, so the virus doesn’t come your way. Those who get sick, you can wear a mask. It’s easy to do and if you need one-

Andrew Hansen:
So question for you, Dom and Charles, while you’re rapping. If you need a mask, then what?

Charles Firth:
You’re fucked because Donald Trump’s in charge of the supply chain.

Dom Knight:
There are no masks. They’re screwed. They’re all going to die.

Andrew Hansen:
That’s the kind of thing a rapper would say, I suppose, isn’t it? Charles, what do you reckon the rappers are going to advise? If you need a mask…

Charles Firth:
Just ask, surely.

Andrew Hansen:
Hey. Let’s reveal the answer.

Speaker 10:
Those who get sick, you can wear a mask. It’s easy to do it and if you need one, just ask.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, Charles first.

Dom Knight:
Donald Trump read that.

Andrew Hansen:
Just ask.

Dom Knight:
They don’t have any masks. They’re all going to die.

Charles Firth:
I’m basically as cool as American rappers, I reckon.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, they say COVID-19 affects the brain and I think those doctors have got it.

Andrew Hansen:
Just to ask though, Dommie, just ask.

Intro VO:
Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report.

Transition VO:
Chaser mailbag.

Charles Firth:
Yes, we’re going to take some questions from listeners who’ve written in during the week. First one is from Lucy Lockier who asks, “Have you joined Hillsong? I’ve heard it’s the stepping stone to parliament.” Andrew, have you joined?

Andrew Hansen:
Well, if it’s a stepping stone to parliament, then I’m definitely not joining. Who would want to end up in parliament? Look, I grew up in the Hills district, but I think I’m a bit too old, you know? I don’t think that church was really around when I was a kid, but yeah, look, I’m not putting my hand up to be a politician. It’s be awful. Awful job.

Dom Knight:
I mean, I was raised Christian and I’m extremely gullible, so you’d think I’d be the one to do it, but I can’t afford it. I’ve actually looked into Hillsong a lot and they’ve got ATMs in the foyer. I can’t afford to be a member.

Charles Firth:
I did want to sign up, but my credit card got rejected. So I suppose I’ll just never be able to go into parliament.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh shame, Charles.

Dom Knight:
In Hillsong’s credit, they are turning into, I guess, a mainstream church. They’re very big now, Andrew, and their global head, Brian Houston, protected a pedophile just like the Catholic church. They’re big time.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, well look, who hasn’t? Who hasn’t protected the odd one in their day. But I’ve been to a Hillsong gig. It’s like a gig, basically, when you go. That’s amazing. And actually, I went to one in Sydney and it was great. It was great. It was actually a fantastic live music gig. They had this incredible band, this superb sound system. It’s literally, I mean, before the pandemic hit, it was pretty much the only chance to see live music in Sydney. So no wonder they’re so popular.

Charles Firth:
Well, there you go, Lucy. I hope that answers your question. Next question is from James B. Murphy and he asks, “Is it ever going to be possible to dig around Queensland and tow it to the USA? We could just leave it on the coast, ring a bell and run away.” How do people like that idea?

Dom Knight:
They’re about to buy Virgin Australia so they could just all fly over there, couldn’t they? Couldn’t they do a new West Queensland or something over in the US?

Andrew Hansen:
It’s not a bad idea. I mean, turn the whole of Queensland into a form of transport. We could use it as a large boat, or a cruise ship. I mean, the cruise ship industry’s in trouble. What about Queensland? Just hop on that and go off for a nice trip.

Charles Firth:
And it’s full of coal as well. So you could probably just take it over to India, drop the coal off there and then drop the rest of the people. The people you’d want to get rid of, maybe just tip them into the Pacific Ocean. It’d be lovely.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, I love Queenslanders, Charles. I love Queensland because it’s a fun party. It’s a party ship. You go to Warner Brothers Movie World, Dream World. They take your life in your hands a bit, but I think it’d be great holiday.

Charles Firth:
And the final question is actually for Craig Reucassel.

Craig Reucassel:
Yeah, hi. I saw we got a question here from Sonia Deering asking me, “Which bin should I be using to recycle my used face masks, disposable gloves and empty sanitizer containers?” Well, let’s start with those empty sanitizer containers. And if they are PET plastic, for instance, it’s best to put those in your recycling bin, like… Hang on that one, that one’s filled with bottles and beer cans. Anyway, I guess you get the idea. I guess though, for the face masks, if there are paper ones and they’re not contaminated, you can put them into your paper recycling. Oh, that’s also filled with booze bottles. So I guess, look. I mean, they’re probably contaminated. You probably just want to throw them all into your red… Oh, also with booze bottles.

Craig Reucassel:
Well, I guess you should just probably, why don’t we clean them all and send them to America? Because God knows their government aren’t getting them any.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers.

Charles Firth:
The show today is also supported by Buzzfeed Australia’s news operations, which unfortunately have announced they’re shutting down. Check out Buzzfeed today to find the 17 reasons for why they’re shutting down, but only ’90s kids will understand.

Intro VO:
None of the medical advice contained in The Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Report.

Transition VO:
International global news world round up.

Dom Knight:
Charles, Andrew, another round of the world’s most important news headlines. Let’s start in Japan where they’re using robots during the lockdown for jobs, ranging from hotel cleaning to medical reception to security patrols. They’ve even got robots visiting aquariums so that kids can go on tours by remote control. Isn’t that cute? Should we be using robots during the lockdown here in Australia, do you think? Are we missing out on this high tech approach to COVID-19?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Look, I am dying for a robot to be able to take out in public with me and touch my face while I’m in public.

Dom Knight:
Wouldn’t that be nice?

Charles Firth:
Just a scratching robot.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, well we’re missing a trick, I reckon, Charles, in here in Australia, because we’ve got our very own Australian robot who’s perfect, absolutely perfect for the situation we’re in and that is Dexter from Perfect Match. I mean, the whole problem we’ve got is that you can’t go out on dates with people and sit close to them, whatever. But if Dexter would step in and fill in the place, you could go on a date with him. You could take him home to bed. You could tap his little metal butt and everything, it’d be great.

Charles Firth:
There’s a huge range of things you could use robots for. And not just, I mean, actually the sex robot is a great idea, but also just getting exercise. Imagine just sending a robot out to do your jog for you.

Andrew Hansen:
It’d be great, wouldn’t it?

Charles Firth:
So much better. Stay in bed.

Dom Knight:
Robot, go to the bottle-o, get some more booze. But do you think there’s a chance, though? I mean, the robots, they’re smart these days. They’ll figure out the problem is actually humans. We’re the ones with all the disease infecting the planet. Will they turn against us like in Will Smith’s acclaimed documentary, I, Robot, if you’ve seen that?

Andrew Hansen:
Dommie, that’s a very negative thing to put in our minds at the current time. As soon as we fix the pandemic, if we’re going to be overrun by robots, that is the last thing we need.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, killer robots.

Charles Firth:
No, but it’ll be all right, because what we’ll do is we’ll just get Bill Gates to write a virus to defeat the robots. Perfect.

Dom Knight:
Yeah. Which won’t work and then they’ll all break.

Charles Firth:
All right. Now I know we’re Apple fans here at The Chaser Report. Great news. So Apple have recently released a magic keyboard case for the fancy iPad Pros. It wraps around the iPad to protect it, it’s got a really fancy cable keyboard and so on. The ones for the biggest iPad actually costs $589, amazingly enough, in Australia. So one company, enterprisingly, has released a $100 case for the keyboard case.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh. I love that.

Charles Firth:
I know you guys are big on Apple gear. Are you going to get one of these case cases?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, no. No, I’m worried that the case case would get damaged and I’d need to spend $30 on a case case case.

Dom Knight:
Kind of like a turducken of cases, isn’t it?

Charles Firth:
And iTurducken.

Dom Knight:
Charles, you’ve just ordered some fancy Apple gear. Are you going to get on board with this one?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Well, the thing is, I thought that the keyboard case sounded a bit too good value. So I actually ordered some Apple wheels. Have you seen that? They’re $1049 in Australia for four wheels for your computer. So it’s absolutely true, I’m not making that up.

Andrew Hansen:
Wheels? What is it, so you can ride your computer to work, or what?

Charles Firth:
No, it’s because if you buy a Mac Pro, it’s quite heavy. And if you want to move your Mac Pro, instead of picking it up, you need to put it on wheels, which cost $1,000.

Andrew Hansen:
You can get wheels for 7.99 at Bunnings. Caster wheels. I’ve got them on my heater.

Charles Firth:
I don’t think those wheels from Bunnings will fit in my wheels case that I’ve just bought.

Andrew Hansen:
But do you have a wheels case case?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Well, I’ll have to get one now.

Dom Knight:
What do you think’s next from Apple? What have they got in the pipeline? Can they top the case case?

Charles Firth:
Look. I mean, I would like to see Apple move into fruit product. I think the Apple apple, costs $600, would be just amazing.

Dom Knight:
Yes, imagine how much the wheels cost.

Andrew Hansen:
And the case.

Dom Knight:
Finally, to the UK, where a curious trend is sweeping the video sharing app Tik Tok. Here is the original challenge that was set by a comedian, I think, in Canada.

Liam Weyer:
Pee your pants challenge.

Dom Knight:
It’s the pee your pants challenge where what you’ve got to do is film yourself wetting yourself. What do you think?

Andrew Hansen:
Right. I mean, well Tik Tok is for children, isn’t it? I mean, is it for very young children? I mean, is it for two year olds? Because I think there’d be a few of them that might step up to the plate.

Dom Knight:
Yeah, my daughter’s very good at this one. Do you think people are actually doing it, though? Do you reckon it’s actually taking off.

Charles Firth:
Well, I mean, this is actually an Australian invention, isn’t it? Because Todd Carney was the pioneer of this video form, wasn’t he?

Andrew Hansen:
But Charles, Todd Carney wasn’t wearing pants on his mouth at the time. It’s a different challenge.

Dom Knight:
Now this guy who started the pee your pants challenge, his name is quite genuinely Liam Weyer. And he meant it as a parody. He was like, “Can I come up with a challenge so stupid and easy and pointless that no one will do it?” But it turns out, dozens of other people have taken it on and they all use his deadpan audio. So if you watch a montage, just put pee your pants challenge in YouTube, you’ll hear this.

Liam Weyer:
Pee your pants challenge.

Dom Knight:
It is very, very strange. Charles, The Chaser, I know, has a Tik Tok account these days. Are we on board with this challenge?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Look, I didn’t realize it was a parody. I’m totally onboard with it. I actually have done one. Mike, I think you’ve got the audio.

Charles Firth:
Pee your pants challenge. Come on. Oh, bugger.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get it out. You know how it’s hard to pee on demand?

Dom Knight:
It’s hard.

Charles Firth:
Look, I thin people are criticizing this as a bit purile, but actually, it’s a high-skill challenge. I wasn’t able to do it.

Dom Knight:
I cannot believe. You haven’t been drinking enough to pee on demand, Charles. That’s not the Charles I know. But I can imagine celebs, and no offense to you, Charles, but even bigger celebs than Charles getting on board. Who do you think will be the first to have a go?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh yeah. I can imagine, I can just see somebody like Margot Robbie doing this on her Instagram.

Charles Firth:
Helen Mirren.

Andrew Hansen:
Helen Mirren, I can see.

Dom Knight:
Helen Mirren?

Andrew Hansen:
Absolutely. Robert DeNiro. Yes, I could imagine Leonardo DiCaprio getting in on this during one of his environmental message videos. Perhaps during one of his United Nations speeches, he might break into a pee your pants challenge.

Dom Knight:
I can imagine Donald Trump watching.

Intro VO:
The Chaser Report. More news less often.

Charles Firth:
Well, we’re coming up to the end of the show. Oh, hang on. We’ve got some breaking news from Rebecca De Unamuno.

Rebecca D.:
Yes, guys. An NRL player who takes hits to the head for a living says he’s worried that the flu shot might be bad for his health. “People need to be more careful with their bodies,” warn the 25 year old prop who was stretchered unconscious from the field six times last year.

Charles Firth:
Thanks, Bec. Now, check us out online at chaser.com.au and if you want to go on Tik Tok, you can find us at @chaser.com.au, and also Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Search for The Chaser Report in your podcast app of choice, and remember to hit subscribe and remember to review us so that we get all the reviews because that’s the most important thing. Isn’t it, guys?

Dom Knight:
No, they’re really mean about us.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, there’s that. That doesn’t matter, but even a bad review is probably better than nothing.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, look. If you’re related to Dom or one of Dom’s friends, don’t review us. But everyone else, please review us. And thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. Anyway, you might have heard during the week that Alan Jones announced his retirement, he’s of course the Sydney radio shock jock. So we thought we’d leave you with a little bit of a package looking back over the career of Alan Jones.

Andrew Hansen:
Alan Jones, you were always the gentlemen.

Alan Jones:
Oh, fuck this.

Andrew Hansen:
An understanding man, even when you were given the wrong instructions.

Alan Jones:
I don’t see why my life should be made a fucking misery because I’m not given the right instructions.

Andrew Hansen:
A man of great reverence, even when there was dust in the studio.

Alan Jones:
Oh, there’s fucking dust in the studio.

Andrew Hansen:
Someone who never felt threatened by powerful women, whether it was Julia Gillard…

Alan Jones:
Don’t have that lying bitch on your program again. I had to move the dial to another station.

Andrew Hansen:
Or Jacinda Ardern.

Alan Jones:
Just shove a sock down her throat. I mean, she is a joke, this woman. An absolute and utter lightweight.

Andrew Hansen:
Or even Clover Moore.

Alan Jones:
Put her in the same shark bag as Julia Gillard and throw them both out to sea.

Andrew Hansen:
A delight to work with.

Alan Jones:
Oh, God. Nothing is working today.

Andrew Hansen:
You were a ray of sunshine.

Alan Jones:
Jesus, I hope someone understands how fucking irritated I am by this.

Andrew Hansen:
A people person.

Alan Jones:
Whoever wrote that ought to be given a hot knife.

Andrew Hansen:
Kind to all.

Alan Jones:
Preferably across the lower part of the throat. Dreadful.

Andrew Hansen:
Not to mention, a wordsmith.

Alan Jones:
Fuck me dead.

Andrew Hansen:
Alan Jones, your flawless professionalism will be missed.

Alan Jones:
Shit. I have to start again. I don’t give a fuck, I’m not doing this again.



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