The Woolworths corporation has today apologised for underpaying nearly 6000 employees over the past nine years, stating that it would repay up to $300 million in missing wages by offering all staff members a range of rare Ooshies.
“I cannot express how deeply sorry I am for this error,” Woolworths’ CEO John Fresh stated this morning, “It is against the spirit to underpay staff this blatantly illegal way. Normally we do it in much more sinister ways, like by only rostering people below 32 hours so they don’t get overtime, providing more work than is humanly possible in a shift so that employees have to work through their lunch breaks, and by constantly renegotiating our contract agreements so that staff progressively make less money as they give up benefits in exchange for small pay increases that barely match the rate of inflation, thanks to our helpful union friends at the SDA who are happy to sit back and let us walk all over employees.”
“Oh, and lets not forget the old trick of hiring a bunch of teenagers at reduced rates then magically reducing their hours when they turn 21. Anyway, point is we’re sorry. We’ll never underpay our office staff again. God knows we’ll just make all the money back from them through our pokies empire anyway.”
“Also if anyone happens to get a blue Mufasa I’ll pay good money for it. I’ve almost got the whole set.”
The Chaser Quarterly