Idiot and Demon Spawn Dan Andrews has ridiculously decided to base the future plans of Victoria on the opinions of fact-based medical experts instead of the brilliant minds of genius former AFL players, in a move many people we spoke to said was the worst thing that has ever happened anywhere.

Heroically, only us, the Liberal party and the completely unbiased Murdoch media have helped show the crucial voices being ignored in this academic debate, helping us know what the ‘modern Einsteins’ Luke Darcy and Dane Swan think.

With real and thought provoking quotes like “I shall and will say WHATEVER the fuck I like whenever I like. Just like y’all motherfuckers do on your accounts. It’s not rocket surgery”, some in the media have questioned how the traitorous Dan Andrews can ignore such important voices. The so-called medical experts who Andrews chooses to listen to instead are so dumb that when we asked them about the previous quote, all they could say is “Sorry, did he just say “It’s not rocket surgery”? Is he being ironic I honestly can’t even tell.” A question that has concerned us deeply, these are meant to be medical experts.

So why does diabolical Dan ignore these thought leaders? Is it to push his socialist-fascist agenda? Is it because the illuminati told him to do it? Is it because the far-left Labor Party heard the ‘A’ in ‘AFL’ stands for Australia and they hate Australia? How come he only listens to experts, a suspicious amount of whom don’t like Sky News, instead of regular Australians like Chris Kenny, Andrew Bolt, or even everyday battlers like Gina Rineheart? Your guess is as good as mine, but whatever it is, it is pure evil!

We reached out to Premier of Doom Dan Andrews and his office for comments on all the very well thought out questions and debating points in this article. Here is a representative’s vomit-inducing response:

“The Premier is focused on trying to do whatever he can to help the state during this pandemic and is using all resources available to him and basing his decisions on the expert consensus. As for everything else you asked, I don’t understand what is going on. Is everything ok on your end? Is this some sort of prank? If you can think of a coherent, fact-based complaint please send it through but not whatever that was. Sorry, I am just really confused on what your point is.”