In an extremely rare appearance, God has broken her silence to come out and condemn the actions of former cardinal and guy who should not be allowed within 100 meters of baptism water, George Pell. In an update to her biography “The Bible”, God added extra pages to specifically discuss the allegations against and actions of Pell, passing her judgement calling him a ‘cunt’.
“Thou shall not use my name to defend that monster,” demanded God, as an Easter Egg to her previous work, “Please cut this shit. I have made my judgement on George Pell and that monster is definitely a cunt. I know everything so I, along with the police, multiple judges and a jury of his peers, know what he has done. My son is ready to welcome him with open arms after he dies. No, not Jesus the other one, the one George thinks every gay person gets sent to after they die. You love to see people like him going to Hell! He should have known I am not ‘all forgiving’, did he somehow miss the plagues and time I flooded the entire planet out of revenge?”
“How can someone who believes in my lessons do the shit he has done? Did he not read the bible? I will make it very clear. Don’t rape kids and don’t help cover up the rape of kids! I know I didn’t specifically say it in the 10 commandments, but come on. It’s the feel of the bible, it’s the vibe of the bible not to do that. I mean I said not to commit adulty and not to covet someone else’s partner, in hindsight those aren’t that bad in comparison since both probably involve consenting adults. ‘Thou shall not be a fucking paedo or help a paedo’ should have just been a given. I know everything and even I can’t believe I have to specifically say not to do that!”
“Lastly I want to clarify when the authors of the bible added that ‘only God can judge’ stuff, they meant trivial things not serious stuff. Like let me deal with why your friend showed up late for your birthday without telling you, or that guy that cut you off on the highway, or even people who say ‘he couldn’t care less’. When it comes to horrific crimes, those can definitely be judged by judges and juries. They are called judges, for heaven’s sake! Hopefully this will be the last time I have to wipe out a large chunk of people to get a message across. Kind Regards (not including Pell and the others like him). The og, God.”
In response to this many die-hard Christians said they still plan to defend Pell and others saying, “Like many parts of the Bible, I will just ignore that part and continue to focus on the bits that fit my view of the world. So please be kind to one another. Remember you aren’t God so you can’t judge me for that or anything else, including the way I continue to judge and dehumanise the LGBTQ community.
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