Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison has fronted the media today, excited to be in a situation where he wont be compared to Boris Johnson for the first time in his career.

“My government would never be in the sort of controversy we’re seeing in the UK,” explained the PM. “I would never bring a party together or plan anything during the pandemic. You’re welcome Australia.”

“Boris Johnson clearly does not understand what leadership is about. You can’t hold parties during a pandemic, parties require large amounts of people in inclosed spaces all of whom need catering. That would require me to make food readily available.”

“To make a plan and enact it with all your peers, it’s just irresponsible. I have avoided that as much as I possibly can the last couple years. You’re welcome Australia.”

Former attorney general and soon-to-be unemployed dodgy guy Christian Porter has today praised the federal government for its legal victory over Novak Djokovic, comparing it to his own inspiring win against the ABC last year.

“Some people are trying to say the government didn’t actually win the case, just because the court ruled in Djokovic’s favour, but those who understand the law would realise the reality is more complex,” said Porter, who has since stepped down from his position to pursue his true calling as a foremost expert in legal and political strategy.

“Yes, the government wanted him to be deported but the court instead ruled that he can stay in the country and play in the Australian Open, and, yes, the government has been left looking like a bunch of incompetent buffoons once again, and, yes, it’s resulted in yet another totally avoidable own goal just months before an election, but it’s precisely for that reason that the government are actually the winners here. It’s just like when I successfully pursued that defamation action against the ABC last year. Everyone tried to say I actually lost, just because I wasn’t awarded any damages and the ABC weren’t made to issue a retraction and I then resigned in disgrace from both Cabinet and parliament.”

When asked what the government’s next steps should be from here, Porter recommended they sue the Serbian government. “Sure, that might be a bit costly, but I know a great guy they can speak to if they are hard-up for cash.”

The Australian Government has today announced that they don’t have enough money to be able to waste any on ‘making everything free’ in response to calls to make specifically just Rapid Antigen Tests free.

The Prime Minister told reporters that he can’t be wasting money on making the plague tests free during a plague, as it would be a waste of money unlike the government’s other investments like $80 Million of non-existent drought relief water.

“We can’t afford to subsidise everything,” said the PM, “we only have room to subsidise fossil fuels, Murdoch, refugee detention, Angus Taylor’s mates, carparks, Sports Rorts, Harvey Norman, 2 submarine deals, redoing the NBN, milkshake videos, and security systems for Hillsong. We can’t just give away money willy nilly.”

“Anyway, speaking of spending, big news everyone. I just bought 3.5 billion dollars worth of tanks! Now we can finally protect our border from land invasion. It is of the upmost importance that we invest in protecting each other and I have done just that. You’re welcome Australia!”

Prime Holidayer Scott Morrison has lept into action and ordered at direct flight to Hawaii today, after hearing the country has entered another crisis. “Don’t worry guys, I’ve got this!” shouted the Prime Minister from his jet window has he threw on his emergency flower crown. “Someone put some coffee on, this is going to be an all nighter and we’ll need some espresso martinis to help me dance through it.”

Mr Morrison has pledged that he will not return from his overseas trip until he has secured enough RAT tests for every Australian, even if that means he has to spend months or years in Hawaii. “My focus, as always, is on the health of the Australian people,” announced Morrison resolutely to his beachfront bartender. “You don’t happen to have a million rapid tests for sale here do you? No? Well I’ll just take a pina colada then. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see if the waterpark has any tests.”