Just another regular episode of The Joe Rogan Experience in which Joe Rogan interviews Ben Shapiro, and both intellectual giants share their expert opinions on vaccines, climate change, and women’s. For the true Joe Rogan Experience experience listen to this episode on repeat 24 times to waste 4 hours of your day.
Scott Morrison has announced $1 billion to save the Great Barrier Reef after identifying its greatest threat is the Coalition’s own policies. “A large portion of the $1 billion will go towards changing the hearts and minds of the Coalition,” announced Scott Morrison today. “I know it’s no Hawaii, but if we can get some junkets organised that might swing the needle.”
The Coalition has confirmed that $200 million will be allocated to Hillsong for their thoughts and prayers for the dying reef.
“What’s more we intend to employ children to carry out the work, to save costs,” announced the environment minister. “Kids will drive the tourist boats, pluck out the starfishes and pour thousands of tonnes of ice to reverse the negative effects of our own policies.”
Reports from the party room said the Prime Minister faced an uphill battle to get his party on board. “I had to convince them that bleaching was a bad thing” he explained. “They’re so used to everything being whitewashed.”
Scott Morrison’s empathy consultant has today been rushed to hospital, after learning the PM claimed Grace Tame didn’t smile at him because she has “had a terrible life”.
“How the fuck is that what you took away from our lessons?” he was heard screaming on the phone minutes later. “Jesus fucking fuck you fucking idiot this stuff is not that hard. NO POINTING OUT YOU DIDN’T SHOOT HER WILL NOT HELP SCOTT.”
“What do you mean Jenny didn’t tell you not to say that Scott?” he continued. “Jesus Christ would you kill a person if Jenny didn’t say not to? NO DO NOT KILL A PERSON SCOTT.”
“Also, why the fuck would you brag that you and Jenny smile when people come over!? Smiling when Grace Tame comes over makes sense, people actually like her. She is awesome, she hasn’t spent a year showing no empathy to abuse victims.”
Members of the Liberal Party have today slammed former Australian of the Year Grace Tame for ‘disrespectfully’ choosing not to smile at the leader of the party which had previously called Tame’s friend a ‘lying cow’ for speaking out about her alleged rape.
“It’s about respect,” said a male MP talking over a female MP, “some people are just desperate to be the centre of attention.”
“Why would she go if she didn’t want to? That would be like if I showed up to our HR meetings regarding how to treat the ladies. As if I am not already an expert.”
“She should apologise for how she treated Morrison, I mean the pain she would have caused by forcing her way into that photo-op and not letting him speak up about the photo-op. This isn’t even a lack of comprehensive training thing, it’s just a simple basic human decency thing.”
“I know all about that kind of thing. Just ask my empathy coach.”
Viewers of the Project have today raised concerns regarding Peter van Onselen’s refusal to smile during a segment in which he was torn apart by journalist Amy Remeikis and co-host Carrie Bickmore.
“I mean why even bother showing up if you can’t seem entertained,” said Jamie who still watches that show for some reason. “He just seemed like he didn’t want to be there. Not to mention the way he was refusing to concede the point was just childish.”
“If you’re going to turn up to a TV show, and this is just my opinion, then you should at least offer your co-hosts the dignity of looking like you want to be there,” he continued. “If you don’t want to take part like an adult, then stay home. That would have sent a much more meaningful message I think.”
In response to the segment, Van Onselen has filed a defamation notice against the women for making him look bad.
History has been made today, after 37 year old Alex Watson became the first ever BMW driver to follow a road rule. This momentous occasion came as he accidentally tapped his indicator while making a turn, a move until now thought impossible.
“I just assumed they didn’t even bothering wiring in the indicators in those cars,” said one shocked bystander. “Are you telling me the orange lights on the side of BMW’s aren’t just ornamental?”
Likewise, Alex has stated that this has turned a new leaf for him, as he was never aware he could make a turn without causing a 7 car pileup behind him. “Before I just assumed that the turn signals were just flashing lights you can use for a party, and that the signs on the side of the road with numbers on them were how many people to cut off. This makes way more sense.”
The event has also inspired other BMW drivers to turn over a new leaf, with inner-city mum Sharon Richards stating she is now considering one day taking her four wheel drive BMW off-road.
The Australia Day argument has been settled once and for all today, after the federal government announced a compromise aimed to make nobody happy, ensuring true balance is reached across the political spectrum. “Today I’m proud to announce we’re not changing the date, but also we’re no longer celebrating the founding of Australia,” announced Scott Morrison. “Instead we will now be using January 26th to commemorate a different boat arriving and fucking everything up – happy Ruby Princess Day everyone!”
The news comes as Scott Morrison attempts to put out multiple fires from recent incorrect comments surrounding the basic facts of Australian history, including a claim that Australia never had slavery, and that Morrison knows how to use the bathrooms at McDonalds. “Clearly the historical record suggests that Morrison is wrong in this case,” said Sydney University Historian John Beard. “Just ask anyone who has a descendant that worked at Engadine Maccas and the oral history is irrefutable.”
Ruby Princess day will be celebrated with a public holiday, in which all Australians will be required to stay home and avoid friends, family and any kind of fun, because a few entitled fuckwits decided to spend their downtime on a giant floating fossil fuel pump attached to a gastro petri-dish. “Brilliant, now I feel terrible, but it’s in a way that Rupert Murdoch’s papers can’t deny the cause of,” said one local man. “Oh wait no I forgot NSW had a liberal government. Deny away Bolt and Miranda.”
Australian of the year and shoey world record holder Grace Tame has made headlines by not doing what a man tells her and not smiling for a photo.
Major news outlets across Australia truthfully reported the move as controversial, because even though the majority of the country supported the move, a couple of professional contrarians were able convince themselves telling a sexual assault survivor what do to was appropriate.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison initially did not notice the cold facial expression as he was busy ignoring women, however, was notified when conservative news outlets went into crisis mode because a woman wasn’t acting subservient in a man’s presence.
Scott Morrison joined the ABC in calling the move “childish”, however after a long consultation with Jenny and the girls, offered an olive branch in the form of a forklift licence, as he found it distressing that another child will be out of the job as of tomorrow.