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Qantas loses ACCC report in baggage claim

Departing CEO Alan Joyce has apologised to the ACCC stating that its report that found wrong-doing by Qantas has unfortunately been lost somewhere in its baggage system.

“We deeply apologise for any inconvenience and would like to offer the ACCC a redeemable voucher for another inquiry within the next twelve months,” he said grinning smugly at a press conference.

“We know that Qantas has made some mistakes over the past twelve months and we’re willing to do what it takes to reinstate the trust of the Australian people. Of course, as I’m departing as CEO it would be inappropriate for me to face any consequences. But I’m sure the woman I left in charge will be willing to cop the wrap on that stuff.”

A spokesperson for Qantas’s remaining three employees has said they take submissions from the ACCC very seriously and all paperwork is put on a series of dirty conveyer belts before being tossed onto poorly labelled trolleys by disgruntled workers.

“We have engaged a loss prevention agent to investigate the missing evidence and will endeavour to have an update for you in 7-10 business days.” The ACCC was told to go back to its office and await a text from Qantas baggage services.

“We take pride in our customer service and ensuring you have the best experience possible when trying to hold us accountable for stepping over our frontline workers and ordinary Australians to line our pockets,” adding that the missing report will almost certainly be found the moment the ACCC drops its inquiry.

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