Labor announces policy of still destroying the ozone layer but feeling really bad about it

Prime Minister Albanese has announced the Labor government’s official climate change stance ahead of the upcoming budget, saying they will invest more taxpayer money into fossil fuel projects but feel bad about it.

“I sympathise with climate,” said the PM, “it’s like I say whenever someone brings up how my government keeps people in poverty, I understand what it’s like doing it tough. The planet just needs to learn that sometimes you have to struggle, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel gosh darn bad about doing whatever the gas lobby tells me.”

“This isn’t all we are doing, Chris Bowen will commit to doing another press conference talking about Net 0 by 2050ish and Tanya Plibersek promises to cry next time she does a photo-op with a koala.”

In response to new fossil fuel investment, some Labor backbenchers have spoken out against the change telling reporters that they aren’t against it in the ‘voting against it’ sort of way, but are strongly against it in the ‘wanting good headlines going into the election’ way.

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