National
As treasurer of this country, I think that objectively Tuesday was a cracking budget night!
We’ve learned our lesson from last year and did our best to make sure no one who can cause us issues got left out! You’re all getting 300 dollars towards your power bill while we promise to get around to the election promise for cheaper bills some time in the next 2-6 years.
That is assuming the election goes well because none of this really means anything if you vote us out, but you’d never do that to us right?
Our budget has outlined a vision for Australia finally turning a corner and investing its money into things that will make our lives better. That investment will conveniently start to kick in after the next Federal election, but in the meantime we’ll give you a couple of toys to keep you occupied so you don’t feel like we just manipulated you into voting for us..
First, we’re going to increase rent assistance so those pesky unemployed people stop whinging about being unable to afford food! You know there’s starving kids in Rafah that I’m sure would love a— I mean nowhere, there’s no starving kids anywhere, ever.
Rent assistance is going up by 10% which is a lot, don’t bother checking the actual number though.
In addition to getting $300 towards your power bill we’re also giving a huge tax cut to everyone, ESPECIALLY people in an MP’s tax bracket. If you make more than $250,000 a year, we’ll look after you. We are the party of the working man after all.
Speaking of mostly looking after men, we’ve allocated almost 0.01% of our budget surplus to ensure abuse victims get the equivalent of two weeks rent in cash and a $3500 voucher, which we assume is enough to fix the problems in your lives. (*selected participants only, support sold separately)
Sure, we could spend some of our $9billion surplus on helping more women escape violence and crack down on systemic problems that cause the violence like gambling, alcohol abuse etc but we looked into it and it might make some male voters uncomfortable so there is no way to funding. You never know when a $9billion surplus can come in handy, it’s also fun to say so we’ve been repeating it over and over again.
Our surplus would be even bigger if we didn’t have too build nuclear submarines just in case China decides to invade in 30 years, which is clearly the biggest issue facing the country today. You’re welcome for our action.
But for those talking about a ‘housing and rental crisis’ we are promising over a million new homes for investors to snatch away from first home buyers. So at the very least there should be more rentals to go around.
But enough about housing and safety, it’s time to talk about the future of Australia. We’re making sure if you want Australia to transition to renewables the only way you can do it is by keeping us in power for the next 8 years!
We’ve got a bold new plan that involves us quietly continuing to give millions to fossil fuel companies and to mine hydrogen gas and ‘critical minerals’ for renewables. We do that anyway but none of you greenie lefties pay attention to what we actually mine for so it sounds new and exciting.
We’re also going to ensure we throw around words like ‘a renewable superpower’ to distract from that most of our efforts for this involve asking foreign companies to build all our renewables in exchange for our last few indigenous sites that haven’t been blown up yet.
Of course not everyone is happy about this budget and to that I have one simple question. What other fucking choice do you peons have?
Peter Dutton would never deliver the needed vague empty promises to keep your hope alive.
Anyway, make sure you all get ready for the election that is coincidentally next year and enjoy your tax cuts… for now.