A report published by the Australian governments private division has stated unequivocally that KPMG has ‘Betrayed the trust of the Australian people and you should definitely pay more attention to this than anything PwC has done.”
The independent report, compiled by Australia’s “most trusted consultancy firm 20013-2022” (as rated by Canstar) has uncovered multiple instances of KPMG corrupting using its influence in the government to make millions in profits something ‘ a truly honest firm like PwC would never, ever even think of doing’ and further accuses KPMG of framing PwC executives for their alleged recent involvement in a similar scandal.
“KPMG has sullied the good name of private consulting forms everywhere” the report reads “The Australian government has spent billions of dollars giving shady private companies with foreign interests total access to our most delicate systems with no regard for due diligence or protecting the interests of the Australian people. This would never have happened if the due diligence had been followed and PwC was hired instead.”
Private consultants everywhere are speaking out, asking they not be stereotyped as ruthless class traitors, hell bent on stepping on anyone’s neck on their way to the top, with #notallconsultants and #HeToo going viral on LinkedIn.
“People seem to think we’re just corporate shells who unnecessarily insert themselves into the inner workings of government for profit but you’d be surprised how often we actually contribute while we’re there” said a former Deloitte consultant ‘In fact I was able to secure a high paying executive position within the government purely by recommending the government hire me.’
Official recommendations from the report include transferring all outsourced government work to PWC moving forward, a pay bump for reinstated executives and the constitution of Australia be amended to enshrine PwC permanently in its infrastructure ‘This would eliminate all those unnecessary discussions regarding contract extensions and will ultimately help the economy’ the report reads.
Former Defence Minister Linda Reynolds has announced she will be suing KPMG for defamation, citing the reasons to be ‘pending any mention of my name whatsoever.’
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