Sport
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Sport
Javelin expert really hoping to make the most out of these two weeks of work
Australian javelin expert Tim Nicholson has trailed into discussing his grievances at length during the live broadcast of the Javelin events on Channel 7. “I’ve really gotta make these two weeks count for something, or I’m in some serious trouble with some seriously dodgy people.” “None of this new generation seems to care about throwing spears…
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Sport
Channel 7 postpones Olympic coverage until every Australian watches ‘Zumbo’s Just Desserts’
Chief Executive officer Sam Higgins of Channel 7 has decided to delay all live and recorded Olympic footage until the Australian public unanimously watches ‘Zumbo’s Just Desserts’.
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Sport
Teen no longer wants to lose virginity if it’s anything like State of Origin match
Following Sam Thaiday’s comment that the first game of State of Origin was ‘like losing your virginity’, 14-year-old Steve Humphries has declared that “sex must be pretty fucking boring.” “If losing my virginity is like that Origin match, then I’m never having sex,” stated Humphries, as he slurped from a poppa in his Sunshine Coast bedroom. “Think…
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Sport
Socceroos exploring “Eurovision” entry into European Championships
Following Australia’s second-place performance at Eurovision 2016, the Socceroos have announced today that they will follow suit by ignoring qualification processes and geography to land a spot at this year’s European Championships in France. Ahead of the Socceroo’s friendly match against England on the weekend, coach Ange Postecoglou said that SBS had effectively bribed the…
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Sport
Shock as plucky team of misfits thrashed in grand final
A combination of luck, team spirit, and a never-say die attitude proved little match to their highly trained opposition.
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Sport
Socceroos finalise World Cup preparations: will watch at beach resort
The Australian team are nearing readiness for the upcoming football World Cup, with most of the players having already completed their preparations to spend June 2006 at a luxury resort. The team only needs to dispense with the formality of a series loss to Uruguay before team management can book the trip to Fiji.
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Sport
England’s World Cup disaster: star hooligan breaks foot
“Wilson is an amazing striker, he can strike with both feet and his head. He’s also pretty handy with a baseball bat.”
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Sport
New sponsor deal for MCG: ground renamed McG
[Edition 53] Melbourne, Monday: A spokesman for the MCG trust announced this week that the multi-national McDonalds corporation had won a hard-fought battle for the catering and naming rights to Australia’s premier sporting venue, the Melbourne Cricket Ground, now to be known as the McG™.
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Sport
Selectors drop Slater from Orange mobile phone ad
[Edition 47] SYDNEY, Tuesday: Former test cricketer Michael Slater has been dropped from the Orange mobile phone advertisement, after selectors became concerned about his recent performance.
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Sport
Paralympics inspires ordinary Australians to acquire disabilities
[Edition 30] SYDNEY, Thursday: Just as the Olympic Games inspired many Sydneysiders to join gyms in an effort to emulate the toned physiques of their heroes, hospital emergency rooms across the city are reporting a sharp increase in business as Sydneysiders rush out and make themselves eligible to compete in future Paralympic Games.