National

The following is the full statement from Sam Dastyari, following his resignation from parliament this morning: 我在此立即从澳大利亚议会辞职。在过去的两个星期里，我被指责有分裂的忠诚，但没有什么比事实更远的了。我一直把新南威尔士州的筹款活动放在优先位置上，我与中国人的亲密关系仅仅反映了我对“百胜餐饮”和六位数捐赠的热爱。我希望能够通过“天空新闻”的脱口秀节目，或者更可能的是央视，为能够继续为公众生活做出贡献的方法。 Statement translated into English: I hereby resign from the Australian parliament effective immediately. Over the past two weeks, I have been accused of having split loyalties, but nothing can be further from the truth. I have always prioritised the…

The Big Four banks have rushed to appoint a lead counsel to represent them in the Royal Commission into the Banking and Finance Industry announced earlier today. The banks will be represented by lawyer Malcolm Turnbull, a Rhodes Scholar who has law degrees from Sydney and Oxford Universities. Mr Turnbull also spent many years as…

Australians around the world breathed sigh of relieve this morning when it was revealed that the number of dickheads has slumped below five million, in what is widely considered a first. The figures, released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics, show that there are now just 4,873,987 dickheads in Australia. In a surprise result, Queensland is…

Josh Frydenburg has mounted a robust defence of families fleeing persecution coming to Australia as long as they’re in his family. The comments come after it was revealed that Frydenburg’s mum fled persecution from Hungary in 1943, during Nazi occupation. “This has brought up a very sensitive series of events for my family. They were…

He was careful not to speak too loud in case any rural Liberal voters could hear him.

They also warned of a sharp increase in the consumption of haggis

“That should do it.”

Despite no-one ever suggesting that Sharia law be introduced into Australia, no-one supporting the idea, and no politician ever mentioning it, the campaigner believes it’s only a matter of time.

Mamma Mia! What an accusation!

“Dem orange monkey gonna be our nex premier”