National

FRENCH Bulldog Ignatius III, who had been living a life of hedonistic luxury in his Gold Coast apartment for the past three years, has been suddenly confronted by the need to curb his rampant dry-humping habits now that he has to share his personal space with his family of four. “I didn’t even realise I…

“I really need a bit of me time.”

An angry Mr Morrison blamed people for being confused.

“Who knew that Australians would want $750 for free?”

“I haven’t felt this serene in weeks.”

Mr Morrison said he only dealt harshly with boats when they contained brown, poor people who pose a fictional threat.

“Frankly, laying off 20,000 workers moments after receiving a taxpayer bailout is exactly the sort of thing anyone in the Federal Cabinet would do.”

“This is the most unAustralian thing I’ve ever seen,” said the man who spent much of the bushfire crisis in Hawaii.

The latest government plan to deal with the coronavirus is by keeping snotty-nosed kids who have no sense of personal space in overcrowded classrooms.

Doctors described the Peter Dutton as “particularly nasty”.