General News

[Edition 74] HOBART, Friday: A lonely Hobart man said he was excited yesterday to receive an email in his Hotmail account. The unpopular man, who has held the account for more than four years, said he’s never received an email before, and was caught completely off guard by its arrival.

[Edition 74] Hours of back-breaking work were made worthwhile today for Kenyan coffee picker Abuya Wakesa when she received her customer feedback forms from Starbucks. “Eighty-three percent of customers thought my beans were good,” said Wakesa from the comfort of her one-bedroom thatch hut. “It’s their satisfaction that gets me back out in the field…

[Edition 74] Residents of Bendigo woke today to find that a tornado had done half a million dollars worth of improvements to their town. Winds reached 130 kilometres per hour, cleaning up the streets and knocking down several of the town’s worst eyesores.

[Edition 74] Nayouf, remarkable for his unerring valour in the face of the the daunting US military machine, has begun to develop a pathological fear of reverse parking.

[Edition 73] Elements of the fashionista remain unconvinced about Lowes’ new line, describing it as “overly confronting” and baulking at its extravagant $12.95 price tag.

[Edition 71] The radical decision breaks the magazine’s run of 172 consecutive editions featuring Kidman on its cover, dating back to before the Australian actress’ marriage to Tom Cruise

[Edition 70] MELBOURNE: A local barmaid has called for a host of cocktails, including such as Hard Ons, Sex on the Beach and Orgasms, to be renamed in order to accommodate her wholesome Christian beliefs.

[Edition 69] ADELAIDE, Wednesday: There were shake-ups in the busking industry this week after acoustic guitar player Jimmy Wilson, based in Rundle Mall, introduced a ‘No Repeat Workday’.

[Edition 68] SYDNEY, Thursday: Woolworths chief executive Roger Corbett was devastated today to report an 18.3% rise in profit under his management over the last year. The result means that, in line with long-established industry policy of only rewarding failure, Corbett and his board are unlikely to receive any financial incentives this year.