humour
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National
Bernardi frantically rushes to get anti-discrimination law abolished before PNG refugee arrivals
Corey Bernardi has been frantically rushing to get 18C abolished before the closing of PNG and Nauru camps, hoping to greet the refugees with “A copy of the Australian and an interview on the Today Show.” Bernardi issued a press release earlier this morning stating, “We as politicians and representatives for society, are doing our…
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National
Census reveals Dutton answered ‘amphibian’ to question on gender
Hackers last night released Peter Dutton’s Census answers, which revealed that he answered “Cold-Blooded Amphibian” to a question regarding his gender. Several complementary sources have already come forward confirming that he is of Amphibian origin. One insider said that Mr Dutton “keeps a large blow up pool in his office at all times and he’s sometimes seen…
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World
Chimps begin to grow embarrassed by their close relation to humans
Reports have surfaced this week that Chimpanzees have started denying being related to humans, following a series of humiliating blunders by the human race.
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General News
Bigotry enthusiast takes time off work to prepare for marriage plebiscite
Local man Sam Wallace has taken time off work in preparation for the upcoming marriage equality plebiscite. He told his employer his leave was for “personal reasons” but Wallace’s true plans are to throw himself into his favourite hobby: homophobic trolling of people who are gay, lesbian or transgender. Wallace – who sees himself as more of a…
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National
Pell vows to become vegetarian, will still eat meat every day
Cardinal George Pell has vowed to become vegetarian this month, telling a congregation at the vatican, “All beings are equal in God’s eyes and hence should not be consumed.” Pell told his flock that he believed he would enjoy the vegetarian lifestyle. “When I saw how much fun vegetarians were having with all the shaming and the…
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National
Hanson caught replacing ‘Asian’ with ‘Muslim’ on old One Nation banners
When all else fails, go with what works.
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General News
Flatmates of ‘hilarious’ stoner student hope he moves out before he spirals into depression
A philosophy student at Melbourne University has decided to complete his Honour’s year while stoned.
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National
Local eccentric ‘hasn’t been seen in weeks’
With the election campaign drawing to a close, the Liberal Party has confirmed it has had a troubled Warringah man under virtual house arrest since the campaign began.
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General News
Woman swallows medicine ball: just gets sicker
A Melbourne woman has questioned the medicinal qualities of 5kg leather balls after demonstrating that, when ingested, they do not to improve patient health. Katrina Tsun, 24, swallowed a whole medicine ball on Friday night in the hope it would ease her stomach ache. “To be honest, it just made me feel worse,” the disappointed…
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National
Nationals do most of the swearing at new Cabinet swearing-in
Senator McGauran: has since given the finger to his own side National Party MPs have protested the loss of another ministerial post, disrupting the new Cabinet’s swearing-in with a chorus of obscenities. The protest was led by Nationals Leader Mark Vaile, who, after swearing allegiance to the Queen audibly added, “But the Liberal Party can…