Reports have surfaced this week that Chimpanzees have started denying being related to humans, following a series of humiliating blunders by the human race that has seen the species somehow stuff up a census, lose their minds over some green water, and nominate an orangutan for President all within a matter of weeks.
Christopher Von-Clouse the head spokesman for his local community of chimps was appalled to hear the way humans have been acting since being left behind by the more evolved Simian species.
“It’s sad what these poor humans have been reduced to,” says Von-Clouse “I may fling my faeces at the mate of my choosing, but even I think going on TV shows like The Bachelor is a really shitty way for them to be finding a life partner.”
After being read just a single thread of comments on a public Facebook post, Von-Clouse said that it was also clear that humans have not learned to communicate beyond mimicking jokes and words that they’d heard from TV, and that it was obvious there was no deeper understanding of context in what they were saying.
“The sad thing is that if we’d had the same number of monkeys typing comments we would have ended up with a masterwork by now,” says Von-Clouse. “But with humans, it seems the best we can hope for is just a bunch of mangled Simpsons references.”
However, Von-Clouse believes that there are signs that humans may be undergoing the evolutionary leap to becoming chimps, pointing out the Footy Show’s Sam Newman, and The Real Housewives of Melbourne as possible missing links between human and ape kind.
Ending the interview bitterly, Von-Clouse stated, “Some of these humans are so simple that they refuse to even believe they’re related to chimps, and frankly I’m starting to believe maybe that’s best for our own reputation.”
The Chaser Quarterly